Inside/out

I have been thinking a lot about the quality of my life. And to determine that, of course, I have been aware of what really makes up my life. What I have come up with is my relationships and the quality of them. My dreams and goals, and how I act on them. The way I spend my "free" time. And how clear my mind and heart are--which to me is the most important. Without that one, ALL of the other areas will and do (at times) suffer. Next I thought about how satisfying each of these areas are to me. Because no matter how selfish that sounds....I am well aware that I am of no good use to anyone if I am unhappy and unfulfilled. That is NOT a good look. So I have had to examine my motives with a fine toothed comb. I have been focusing a lot on my home. I want a home that looks like a beautiful picture. And I am willing to spend all of my money to do it. I keep imagining how beautiful it will look and how good it will feel to walk inside and step into a little world--created just by me for the healing, enjoyment, relaxation, and pleasure for myself and my family. But behind that is the motive to create some sort of world that looks a certain way...I cant even be sure that this is the place to start. What if I do get my world to look like the beautiful picture that I see in my mind? Will it make me happy? Will it satisfy anything deep within me? OR will it be just another band-aid that to put over a stab wound? Just a superficial fix for something that is deeper than my normal awareness. Right now I feel like I want to be surrounded by beauty and beautiful things (whether they are currently affordable in my spending plan or not!!!). could it be that I am not in touch with the beauty that is within me? And that is why I am seeking to surround myself with it...because I cannot truly 'feel' it? Hmmm? I sure do ask myself some good questions. lol