Where are my limits?

I have this problem right? It keeps showing up in my personal relationships, my finances (especially here), my eating habits and my spending habits...I dont know where my limits are. Some times my limits are held close to me. An example of that would be the fact that I yearn for more intimacy from the depths of my soul, but I cant allow myself to enter that realm with anyone else. And if I do...I have to keep away from that person, lest I panic. Other times, my limits appear to be much too broad for whats real. I overspend. A LOT! Always. It is a trait of mine that is as old as I...and I hate it. I hate that I want to live carefree and have no regard for money...well I dont hate that so much as it is a natural thing for me to desire this lifestyle. I hate that I cannot. I hate that what I want...I cannot always have. And when I do allow myself to have it...it is being taken from something else. Why do I not ever seem to have enough? Why cant I have enough money to cover my needs, living expenses, recreation, personal things...and have enough to save? Why cant I have enough money to get my car fixed when it needs it...AND have money to get my sons pictures and groceries for us to eat? Why? Now mind you...i get by. and better than most, I am aware and for that I am vaguely grateful. But its hard to be really appreciative, when even though I have more than some....I dont have enough to satisfy MY goals. in MY life! Sigh! No matter where my limits are, they are nevertheless not where I would like them to be. I feel like such a brat for wanting more...but this is me. This is now. And I do not have enough. Is it my belief in lack that is creating it? Perpetuating it? Could it be that my circumstances are the "result" of my thoughts and not the other way around...like I really want to believe. I will work on this. Because the idea of that just came to me in the middle of a vent, and I've been here long enough to know that I should pay attention. Thank you. I love you.

I have found all that I need

Yesterday...I found all that I have been searching for my entire life. I would like to say that it was magnimous and that it was earth shattering and turned my reality upside down...but instead it was just like going somewhere and having the strange sensation that you have been there before. At first it was so unfamiliar, but a part of me relaxed..."at HOME" . I was on unfamilar territory, but I was not afraid. why? Because there was a strange presence there with me. I dont know what that presence was...cant even describe it now that a whole day has gone by. But...I know. I stood in awareness of this presence. I was there with it. And it was there with me. We were...together. And thats what counts. I finally understand it is not about any of the other things that I thought it was about ....it is simply being there.
Now icing on the cake...is that not only is this presence there...but it can communicate with me. It can see me...and though I cant see it with my physical eyes. It did make a way for me to understand?...if I may use that word. It did make its presence known in a way that I would be for sure. It was so peaceful to be there. Everything took on a whole new glow. Life was ethereal. It was exactly the same...but something about it 'seemed' different. It was more alive. More real. More intense. But still just here. And just here...is just fine with me. One Love.

I have decided to answer the call

Well...I have been hearing a whisper in my heart and mind every time I opened my mouth to complain about something. It has said...RESET! I didnt understand at first, mostly because I didnt want to. It was too easy to make excuses on why I couldnt or shouldnt. Lately I have been eating junk, saying junk, believing junk, and just being a human dumpster. Garbage in--garbage out. I have been in a foul azz mood, and unable to easily process or deal with my "normal" everyday. Its been pathetic. I have been exhausted beyond belief...Thank you Bernard for not dogging me and just letting me go to sleep. I love you. I have been losing faith along with my mind...and just feeling 10 steps behind the game that I created. I need more energy but I dont have enough available to create any more in my life. My skin suffers, my hair suffers, my mental health suffers, my body suffers, my work suffers, my family suffers, my ENTIRE life suffers because I am not creating that 'space' for myself to get things together. When I spoke to Keir the other day, I told him that I wish I could reset...I completely forgot that I can. I have decided to fast for 10 days. I was making excuses on why I could not start until I got my next check, but I'm so done with excuses. Either I want to help myself, which is my God given right, or not! I choose to. I will be going to the health food store today to get what I need to start my cleanse tonight. I am doing the Master Cleanser. This will be my fourth time doing the fast. It has been past time. I have been polluting my life and not allowing for removal, and now I am backed up physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is time to make that space. I have done it before, so I notice the attitude within myself that I know whats going to happen. But honestly, this is a whole new experience. Which is some of the fear of actually doing it again. My goals for this cleanse are to re-establish a connection between my body, mind and spirit. To clear OUT the debris that remains between us. To improve my emotional health. To feel myself. To improve my physical condition, which is not the best right now. And to reset the contols on everything, especially my diet.

My problems are my God!

I treat my problems like God. I believe in them, wholeheartedly. Because I can see them. I can feel them. I know that they can and do "affect" me. I know that without them I would lose a part of myself, as I have much of mySELF invested in them. I have faith that in one way or another, they will always be there for me. I can be sure that no matter where I am or what I'm doing in life, they will be there with me to keep me company. I think that they are all pervasive. They have enough power to alter my world, afterall. So tell me? Whats a girl to do when she worships the wrong God? Whats she to do, when she cant help but? help me

The world only APPEARS to disapper

I was just having a much needed conversation with an old friend. We speak nowadays only like once a month, but everytime we do it is the most healing and spirit-freeing time that I know. He tells it like it is. Not always right, but always truthfull. I love him. Anyway...I was venting my issues to him. Telling him how I feel...trying to capture the profundity and complexity of my situation. And after I had let it out...with the utmost precision--i waited. I waited for my soul to be receieved. And he said to me" Do you think that I disappear when we get off the phone with each other?" My first instinct was to say "of course not" but I thought about it for a second
and I REALLY DO! We had a good laugh off of that. He let me know that my problems are NOT my problems...they are just problems! Problems that lots of people have...and a vast majority of people have it way worse off. I laughed and laughed. I do consider my situation all pervasive. I feel they are the real ALMIGHTY! That somehow my plight is more important that most other things in my life. Even things that truly deserve my full attention. Sigh...I cant really say that I fully understand the concept that just when I close my eyes, the world only seems to disappear. Its still there and its still happening, whether I'm there or not! So profound, but I'm much to tired to ponder this further at this time. Just had to get that out...

Cleansing is Cummulative!!!

Okay two weekends ago, I cleaned my flat from top to bottom. Okay..I didnt get in the nitty gritty like windows and corners, but I did make sure everything was cleaned, wiped down, swept, vacuumed and picked up. I washed all of the laundry and all the dishes were clean. I felt SATIZFIED!!! Well as the week went on, things were popping up on the floor, a folded diaper here and there, circulars from the stores I needed to check for sales, coupons on the table that I needed to use next time I went shopping, and bills that NEEDED my attention. And I wondered to myself, how did I get back here, and the answer that I received astounded me. You dont clean something one time and expect it to stay that way. You dont practice that with your body, your hair, your teeth so it certainly wont fly for anything else in this natural world.
LIFE CREATES WASTE. That is a truth that I didnt easily take to. But it is real. Nothing in this world does not create waste or excess and if you dont have a system in place to process and eliminate it, then what you will end up with is a helluva job to conquer later. Overwhelment is a feeling that I try to avoid, because it causes me to suffer and take on a defeatest attitude. So it serves me better to do a little as I go. I keep viewing cleaning as taking away from my life, when in actuality it IS a part of my life. It is the way that I deal with things that are of no use to me. Or keeping the things that I do desire to keep in a "space of their own". Which is what we all yearn for...maybe doing that for my things will help me to do that for myself. hmmm

Me and Tima are planning a weekend that she is gonna come and visit and we are gonna have a ball. Hopefully by then I will have a cam, so that I can begin to document my life 'en photo'...lol but part of our weekend is going to include going to the holistic center and getting a colonic. Colonics were a phase that I went through a few years back, when I was really adamantly into colon health. And yes...with that too, I assumed that one good one would be enough. Ha ha YOu would've thought I would have learned my lesson from that. There seemed to be no end to the shit that you sweep up under the rug. Or in my case bury in my body. So now in preparation for change, (not just the colonic) I am taking fiber in the morning and drinking more water as a part of my daily routine. I am going to begin the cleaning now and never stop. That seems like a hefty goal, but some things you just dont stop until you're done living. Like Breathing, loving, growing, and yes cleansing! Thank God for clarity and its ever evolving presence in my life. Thank you1 Eternally, Keelah

Problem Solved

Gina suggested that i try my plan for a month--and since this is the beginnig of the month I will be able to effectively guage how it works out and if not, then follow some of the suggestions on the financial website. Good deal! Mood mooovin on up! thanx girl!

Confused

I know that I should be focused on savings and investments, but as I stated earlier this morning, I am really want to live a fabulous life. Unfortunately every financial site that I went to is saying cut out all of the things that I want to add to my life in order to build wealth. Which makes me wonder is the exchange worth it? Do I have to sacrifice living a comfortable and enjoyable life to build wealth and have savings? It doesnt seem fair. Should I believe what the 'experts' say or should I set out to do what I feel I must to satisfy myself? I dont want to make unintelligent decisions that will hinder my family later, but I dont want to sacrifice any more life that I have now. Age old adage...now or later. *Sigh* Why every time I get all hyped up to make what I consider to be a breakthru...I run across ish like this? Now my mood is going down!

Broke is a state of mind!

I was pondering on my way to work, how I seem to not have enough money for the lifestyle that I would like to live. I dont think that I am wanting for too much. Actually I think its perty damn reasonable. I want to have all of the conveniences that I need at home to make my home 'feel' like it belongs to me. I want to have all of my things, including my car in excellent working order. I crave organization...even though the actual work of making that happen proves to be challenging for me. I want a functional life. I want all things to just "work". I want to have nice clothes, money in the bank as well as a little in my pocket. I want to have a couple of fabulous handbags and at least 3 pairs of sexy yet comfortable shoes. I want for my bills to get paid as soon as they come through the door...and I want enjoy life. I want to always have healthy foods and good recipes on hand...and social activities that stimulate my mind and invigorate my soul. I want to include massages, facials and mani's and pedi's here and there. And yoga at least twice a week...seems like a must. I would love to swim a couple of times a week ideally, but I know that since I work and have a little baby, that is probably not feasible. Anyway...these things, I believe that adding these things to my life would definately make life more livable. I see this as a healing that I NEED to take place. I need to satisfy the inner urgings of my soul that is directing me toward a life that is more aligned with my true needs. Now I dont know if any or all of these are necessary for me to reap the benefits, but I do know that the number one reason that I cannot do these things is not time, like I like to think it is. I keep telling myself that I dont have enough money for them. But I have to question. Is that the real reason?

I mean I know that I dont have a lot of money, and I am in debt up to my knees...but is there a way around that? I have this sneaking suspicion that there may be, and I am refusing to look at alternative methods of getting my so-called "needs" met. I am putting priority on brokeness instead of focusing on the state of SATIZFACTION!!! Now some of these things I have to pay for, like the massages, but if I wanted it to be affordable in my budget, I could go to a massage school and pay about half that I would for a regular massage. The mani's and pedi's. I could actually get one done and maintain them myself...Its not like i dont know how... for some reason, I just think that it takes away some of the luxury of having someone else do them. But I guess the point is not having someone do them so much as having them done. I could make it a priority to schedule time for all of the things that I feel I MUST include in my life. Instead of using downtime or time with my son as an excuse not to do things--I will learn to incorporate my life with the life that I want to create. It seems so simple when I am 'thinking' about it, but when I am living it...and emotions and energy levels come into play its just like...whew! I feel to exhausted to make things happen. But maybe thats why things dont happen...because I dont MAKE them. If I dont make my desires a priority? Then who will? My man? The universe? God? He put these desires here and I am trying very hard to negate them. Making up every excuse under the sun. I am not living in poverty, why and how do I have a poverty consciousness? Its not my lack of financial ability that hinders my growth and enjoyment of life...it is my thoughts about my finances. So from now on...faking it til I make it. I have enough. I find creative ways to affordably get my needs met. I find time to do what I want to do. I do what I want to do. I am fabulous. None of my desires are too big for me. They are custom made for me.

Dear Hair

My hair loves me so much. Even on the days where I find it hard to show it love back. When I pretend to be ashamed of it, because I dont think people will understand it, My hair loves me. When I pull it back, because I live under the guise that I am too busy to take the time and care of it that it deserves, still the love stands unwavering.

Dear Hair,
I love you. I know that I dont tell you nearly enough, and by the way that I neglect your needs, you wouldnt think so. But I do. Its just so hard for me to deal sometimes. There is so much going on...and you know you are not the easiest to deal with. I want to do whats best for you...but I just fall short sometimes...okay A LOT! I dont blame you for not putting on a show, I dont do my part--how can I expect for you to perform? I will get better. I promise-PINKY SWEAR!

Dear You,
I love you too. I dont want to stress you out. I just want to remind you that I am not difficult to deal with at all. Your thoughts about me make me seem like mount everest, but its not that serious. Happiness for me is health. Same as for you. I just want to loved, appreciated, touched, watered, fed, and nourished. Give me that and I will show you an expression of love like you have never believed was possible. It doesnt take a lot. It just takes your attention. You can love me during your day, you can love me during your entire life. Just look out for me. Help me to rebuild and stay strong. Keep me out of the winter elements. Make sure that I stay hydrated and moisturized. Wrap me up at night, and keep me detangled--unless of course you want me to do what comes naturally and loc up on dat azz! lol And please dont compare me to anyone else's hair. Take the time to learn about me...I am more than just a reflection of you. I am original and I feel bad when you ignore what is special about me because it doesnt necessarily 'fit' into what you 'think' is the norm. I am beautiful and I know it...and it hurts me when you see my uniqueness as troublesome or a burden. I am as I am. We have a lot in common you and me...and not just our scalp. We have the same needs and the same hurts. So help me help you. Heal me and heal you. I love you. See you soon--hopefully with some conditioner and comb! Love, Your beautiful head of hair

Baking Soda...

Is the bomb!! I was just thinking of how much I use baking soda for. I use it for my tub--I have a glazed tub and to make it last...I cant use harsh detergents. I also use it for the stove to remove grease stains. I put it in baths and it helps deep clean my skin. I use it as an exfoliator for my face and body and as a neutralizer for my skin peels. I also use it as a clarifier for my hair, to remove product buildup on my hair...and it also helps to relieve indigestion!!! Of course I have one in the fridge and the freezer and I sprinkle them in my trash cans, as they are a great deodorizer! What doesnt it do? I LOVE things that multi-task! And so far baking soda is by far the best multi-tasker that I know!

Inside/out

I have been thinking a lot about the quality of my life. And to determine that, of course, I have been aware of what really makes up my life. What I have come up with is my relationships and the quality of them. My dreams and goals, and how I act on them. The way I spend my "free" time. And how clear my mind and heart are--which to me is the most important. Without that one, ALL of the other areas will and do (at times) suffer. Next I thought about how satisfying each of these areas are to me. Because no matter how selfish that sounds....I am well aware that I am of no good use to anyone if I am unhappy and unfulfilled. That is NOT a good look. So I have had to examine my motives with a fine toothed comb. I have been focusing a lot on my home. I want a home that looks like a beautiful picture. And I am willing to spend all of my money to do it. I keep imagining how beautiful it will look and how good it will feel to walk inside and step into a little world--created just by me for the healing, enjoyment, relaxation, and pleasure for myself and my family. But behind that is the motive to create some sort of world that looks a certain way...I cant even be sure that this is the place to start. What if I do get my world to look like the beautiful picture that I see in my mind? Will it make me happy? Will it satisfy anything deep within me? OR will it be just another band-aid that to put over a stab wound? Just a superficial fix for something that is deeper than my normal awareness. Right now I feel like I want to be surrounded by beauty and beautiful things (whether they are currently affordable in my spending plan or not!!!). could it be that I am not in touch with the beauty that is within me? And that is why I am seeking to surround myself with it...because I cannot truly 'feel' it? Hmmm? I sure do ask myself some good questions. lol