Long azz post...

Well I think I have a friend who has turned on me...AGAIN! During my first pregnancy this friend of mine seemed to be there for me. She was supportive and listened with seeming interest as I went through all of the changes that one goes thru during a time like this. I tried to be considerate of the fact that she did not have children of her own and spare her ALL the gory details that I would not hesitate to share with other mothers. Well just because before I experienced pregnancy, a lot of the details would have been pointless for me to know. Besides there was always this 'feeling' that I had...that just kept me at some sort of distance. I really REALLY needed support during this time...as me and my man were not as tight as we could have been. And tho this was not something that was discussed in depth...this friend knew this. I really tried to reach out and connect to other people, because for the first time in a long time...I knew I NEEDED that. My mom had the been there done that attitude...and none of my other TWO friends had children...so I was pretty much on my own. I joined an online community which was my saving grace during this time. Anyway...this friend was there to offer kind words and her brand of support. I cherished this...cuz if you cant tell...I dont tend to allow people that close to me...

Fast forward a few days (months) I am pregnant again...and I.WAS.TERRIFIED. Life is better for me this time...as I have a CLOSE relationship with my crazy mama, have a HEALING relationship with my man, and by bout with post-partum hopefully is a wrap. But I am scared. At the time my son was only 5 months and my mind is racing with what are we going to do? How am I going to have TWO LITTLE BABIES. This friend knew my feelings and offered me the whole "God" thing like a good practicing Chrisitan is supposed to...but I felt something underneath. Choosing to ignore that I continued through this experience just relying on my families support and encouragement and my sons faith in me. I feel the distance growing between us with every remark disguised as a "joke". I dont really know how to tell her that the things she says are affecting me. As I think a friend would know. The idea of ME being a parent was one that I wrestled with the ENTIRE time I was pregnant the first time around...and you KNOW this...however when YES by my actions and my choice I am going thru it again...you have total disregard for my feelings during this time. I am closing up. I dont want sympathy...because through all the changes of the last two years...I am AWARE that becoming a parent is the single most AWESOME thing that has or ever and will ever happen to me. There is nothing in this world that can compare. I am so thankful for my children and EACH and every experience that the birth of my motherhood has brought to me. No matter how painful (or how much I complained), I am deeply appreciative for the sacred knowledge that only one who has felt the movement of life INSIDE them could know.

sidebar-{And I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL, God. Cuz I know it wasnt my honey's sperm that got me pregnant. It was you. Kudos. Job well done. Hopefully you think the same...}

Anyway...being this as it is...I am still deeply hurt by the changes in this friend. And just in case you are wondering...could it be that I have changed?? Yep! Sure have. The world is mostly about me and my baby now. I have withdrawn...not being funny acting, but just because my attention is constantly drawn to me...I DO have a BABY growing inside of me!!! I do care about whats going on around me...but not as deeply as whats going on within me...as I grow as a mother and a mother to be. This is LIFE CHANGING. I am dying (LITERALLY) as this new being is being birthed. It is nothing short of AMAZING! It is one of lifes true miracles. And most people understand this...and offer me encouragment and if they KNOW then guidance. Not smart azz comments. Am I being too sentimental?? Dont think so....I'm just NOT feeling this. Mood: Happy cuz I'm eating!! :D Sad: cuz another one bites the dust!

Check this out!!

she's so flyy: she was sooo pretty....for a black woman.

I'm going....shopping.this.weekend...sigh

Okay I MUST buy some maternity clothes now! I dont know why I dont like maternity clothes...seeing as though I am VERY pregnant, but I have some type of psycho-somatic avergence to clothes with a big belly part!! When I was pregnant with my first son...I kept wearing my street clothes until I LITERALLY couldnt get them on. I mean I didn the open button, unzipped zipper, the cover up a too tight shirt with a big azz jacket thing. My ass kept expanding...so my shirts got longer. My heels got shorter...but my clothes stayed the same. Weird huh? People started to ask me why I wasnt maternity shopping...and I gave every excuse I could come up with. But I think its just because I dont want to buy these BIG AZZ CLOTHES!! Now my mom thought it was because I didnt have any money...so she tricked me one day saying she wanted me to help her buy something and took me MATERNITY SHOPPING! I bout died! The whole time we were there, my nose was turned up (very ungratefully) and I just felt disgusted by all the panels and elastic...and HUGENESS!!! I felt embarrassed almost. I tried to only buy things that didnt "look" maternity. I wish I could embrace this like NORMAL. But I cant. As soon as I delivered my son, I packed up all my M clothes and gave them to the Salvation Army. Mind you I still have 2 garbage bags of regular clothes that I have been "donating" for years! So when I got pregnant again...so soon after my first pregnancy...the denial is even deeper...cuz I didnt even loose all the baby weight from my first pregnancy. So the clothes that I need are going to be EVEN BIGGER!!! Today I had to literally use a pulley method to get my azz into what I have on today...so my path of denial has come to an end. I must go shopping! My man sent me money to go a few weeks back...and I lied and said I did...so I really have to go...he will be back in 6 or 7 days!!!! I cant let him see me prying myself into these clothes. I am so ashamed--not so much of my body---but of my feelings about this whole thing. Sad part is I got a visa checkcard just to maternity shop...and I have not bought not one thing. its been weeks. NOT ONE THING. I have issues. maybe my shirt is cutting off circulation to my damn head!!! I dont know...but my discomfort today is going to have to trump whatever "issues" I have surrounding this...sigh....Dude! I REALLY need to see if my insurance covers therapy...cuz I'm reading this and I'm like..."THIS CHICK IS OFF!" [insert psycho laugh here]

Repost: Dear Hair

My hair loves me so much. Even on the days where I find it hard to show it love back. When I pretend to be ashamed of it, because I dont think people will understand it, My hair loves me. When I pull it back, because I live under the guise that I am too busy to take the time and care of it that it deserves, still the love stands unwavering.

Dear Hair,
I love you. I know that I dont tell you nearly enough, and by the way that I neglect your needs, you wouldnt think so. But I do. Its just so hard for me to deal sometimes. There is so much going on...and you know you are not the easiest to deal with. I want to do whats best for you...but I just fall short sometimes...okay A LOT! I dont blame you for not putting on a show, I dont do my part--how can I expect for you to perform? I will get better. I promise-PINKY SWEAR!

Dear You,
I love you too. I dont want to stress you out. I just want to remind you that I am not difficult to deal with at all. Your thoughts about me make me seem like mount everest, but its not that serious. Happiness for me is health. Same as for you. I just want to loved, appreciated, touched, watered, fed, and nourished. Give me that and I will show you an expression of love like you have never believed was possible. It doesnt take a lot. It just takes your attention. You can love me during your day, you can love me during your entire life. Just look out for me. Help me to rebuild and stay strong. Keep me out of the winter elements. Make sure that I stay hydrated and moisturized. Wrap me up at night, and keep me detangled--unless of course you want me to do what comes naturally and loc up on dat azz! lol And please dont compare me to anyone else's hair. Take the time to learn about me...I am more than just a reflection of you. I am original and I feel bad when you ignore what is special about me because it doesnt necessarily 'fit' into what you 'think' is the norm. I am beautiful and I know it...and it hurts me when you see my uniqueness as troublesome or a burden. I am as I am. We have a lot in common you and me...and not just our scalp. We have the same needs and the same hurts. So help me help you. Heal me and heal you. I love you. See you soon--hopefully with some conditioner and comb! Love, Your beautiful head of hair

Not again...

Me leaving my mamas house...on my way to..sigh WORK!

My mama peepin around the corner of her porch: They gone think we Jamaican mon!
Me: Why they gone think that? (knowing damn well what she talking about)
Her: Cuz of our hair.
Me: Well "they" should just think we are black! (irritated to no end!)

Me in the car talking to myself...who the hell is "they"?? And why did you grow your fro...if you're going to wear a wig every day? And why are you trying to put your insecurities about your hair on me? MO-THER!! Sigh! I am much too tired for this!

I have been natural for about 6 or 7 years...and for six or seven years I have had to hear my mom ask questions about my feelings about being nappy. And for 6 or 7 years...I have been happy bein nappy! There have been trials, tribulations, permed hair dreams, insecurities surfaced and surpassed. Ignorant comments, militant assumptions and lots of growth...but thats life right? Sigh...Why?

Check out MRS. Chokkk--Doin her thing!

I am so proud of you and happy for you. Go on girl! Circa 90! lol

Welcome to Blogland...Val!

Visit her here: www.specdark40.blogspot.com

Match Made In Heaven

I am so blessed...and I am sure that God perfectly matches children and their parents. Cuz my boy is SO AMAZING! He is only 8 months...but he is fiercely independent. He loves to eat, and tries so hard to feed himself. He prefers forks to spoons (because he already aware that forks grab BIG foods...spoons pick up mush--and mush is for babies with NO teeth, not little men with TWO!). He sleeps well and all through the night! Many a parent is envious of that! HA HA! He doesnt like his diapers and takes them off ALL THE TIME! I know the feeling...when I'm at home...I prefer to be al-fresco also! He knows that when he practices keeping his pimp arm strong and slaps the dog shit out of someone....that a smile and an innocent face rights all wrongs. He knows that he can trust me to keep his sly and knowing smile that emerges later just between us. 'Cept that time he slapped me...didnt like that so much. He is so affectionate...something that he teaches me about daily. He feels you out...and if you're good people you will rewarded with the world's warmest hug! If not...you will know. Try again when your colors are correct. He practices his vocabulary daily...da-da, ma-ma, ba-ba and ya-ya--an occasional gan-ma...and his famous "huh?" when his name is called. He is just so smart and PERFECT! And the most perfect thing about him...the way he loves. I know he remembers how un-swift I was on the mommy thing...but he was patient and encouraging and supportive. And when I got it right...he smiled at me the way that only perfection can and let me know he is proud. The same smile that I gave him the first time he snatched his own bottle and took matters into his own hands cuz I was taking too long. I love my Miah Man...and I cant wait for us to meet his little brother. They are a pair of perfection and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be their mom. Love.

Earth Child

I love the sky
I LOVE the moon
I love midnight blue skies in silence
I love bodies of water...and puddles alike
I love trees
I love wind on my face
I love the smell of fresh cut grass
I love the feeling of the sun on my skin
I love gray skies
I love thunderstorms
I love bloody skies...I just love all skies, really.
I love fire--its grace, its warmth, its power to mold, transform or to destroy
I love love LOVE this planet! Thank you for all of the beauty that you surround us with every moment of every day!

I am inspired...

I am so excited!!! I have lost motivation for a lot of things lately. Well not lately. Its been a progressive decline of caring about things that used to matter so much to me for the past few years. At first I called the bitch depression, now I relize its more accurate to say that I have been living with an opressor. Cuz the problem is never very far from me...ironically neither is the solution. I was in the car talking to myself yesterday (nope havent gotten my car speakers fixed yet...so!) And I was thinking about how often my mom complains that I let myself go...I look at myself. And I'm not SO disappointed with what I see. I mean yes, I could do my hair daily..yes I could keep my nails polished with my crystal clear coat that I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE. Yes I could keep my brows done (and not just reserved for vacations). Yes I can alwayz have me toes tight...Yes I could iron daily...these are things that used to be givens for me...but now its hard pressing to get them done. Why??...partially because of the fatigue factor of back to back pregnancies. I used to try and tell myself that was an excuse...but dude. I am straight up narcoleptic lately. My mind is going...and normally I would think thats kinda fun...but I'm grown and have RESPONSBILITIES!!! and such...anyway...I was pondering how I tried to tell myself that the things I was beating myself up about were superficial...and then my wise and loving self said...they were not superficial. They were bare minimums for my physical confidence in this physical world. I would not be able to concentrate on anything else until I satisfied those urges. They are valid...and are of EXTREME IMPORTANCE. There is a certain standard that I hold myself to...and as of late I have been finding any reason or justification to relinquish control of that satizfation ...only I didnt give it up to anyone else...I just plain dropped the ball. And so now my consciousness is OBSESSED. I am obsessed with my lack of personal care...Please dont confuse this with hygiene...I mean they go hand and hand...but I still washes me ass and brushes me teeth. but I have not strived. I stopped caring...well not really...I just stopped BEING ME. long story short...I went to a website for natural hair that reminded me what it is that I am. And how good it feels to represent that...ALL THE TIME! I'm hoping that I dont get all fired up...and then fall my ass to sleep as soon as I get home...hahahsee but at least the fire is reignited!!! Now I remember what it is that makes me feel so good everyday...it was loving myself enough to put forth the effort to make myself FEEL loved. And taken care of. And appreciated and celebrated and all that good stuff. Its the care that makes what other people give me...icing. I cant wait! I deserve this...we all do. And now I remember...Thank you so much...Prayers really do get answered...Now lets see can I close the circuit by doing my damn hair tonight!

New Ahleans Cuisine

I ate CRAWFISH! Was good! I ate shrimp that had legs and eyeballs on it! Crab legs, lobsters- Was good! Normally wouldnt eat this...but on this particular day...I had been left at the hotel ALL DAY with no food...so I got to crushing shells and chewing meat like the best of em' Ate Gumbo! Was THE BEST! I had seafood gumbo, steak gumbo and turkey sausage gumbo--ALL OF WHICH WERE the BEST FOODS I have EVER TASTED!!!! EVER. I ate at a ghetto place called Manchus--the best DAMN fried chicken I have EVER HAD! I got over my fear of the area as I ate there twice. And had enough for my middle of the night binges...err um snacks! I ate indian food! Never again. Wasnt good...wasnt awful...but not to me likin. Ate McDonalds...just like everywhere else I had tasted it...which is weird and made me think of just how 'scientific' their flavor is. How the hell can any food taste the same damn way no matter where you get it? I am really working on not eating fast food anymore. Cuz that is just...weird! Loved the New Ahleans food. The best was some chicken that my man made! Boy do I miss his cooking! Havent gotten on a scale...but Im sure I did a good 5-10. Sigh! Yes in only 4 days! But I did do a lot of walking...yep! Thats my justificatin and I'm sticking to it!

I'm having....

ONE LITTLE BOY! I was in disbelief over the little penis! For real! I have been saying 'she' for the longest...but He is definately ALL MALE! Everything looks good...he is HUGE! He is already a pound...and he waved at us during the ultrasound. He has really big feet too! His profile looks just like mine! I cant wait to meet him face to face! He is LONG! I'm going to stop eating so much before I have one of those 8 lb. babies that I fear! Well gotta go try and work...(after I visit yall spots of course ;) I'll be back...I know I still havent written about my trip yet...but its just so long...and I'm so lazy. I HAVE to figure out how to get pics off my camera into this site...I have about 6 pictures that could completely sum up the trip! Catch yall later!

I'm back...

and tied as HELL! Somehow we made a 17 hour drive into a 28 hour one! And still I managed to drag myself in today! I will write about the trip later. It was AWESOME! And yeah...We left late enough for me to make my ultrasound...well until tomorrow! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Waaahhhh!

My doc just called and set up my ultrasound for tomorrow afternoon at 2:15..and I am going to be somewhere in Ohio by then. They actually got the ultrasound for the very next business day, cuz doc thinks she is so sure!!! I want to postpone the trip...but we have a long trip ahead of us...and I really misses the Nardster! I have to wait until the 10th! I am so excited!! I would love to go tomorrow and take the good news (or better news) to the boot with me...but instead it will be as I expected...the following week! I am trippin!!! I hope its just one! And I pray that I can maintain a semblence of sanity and grace if there are more than one. May the Good Lord be with us all!

Hearing Double???

I went to the doc on friday...for a regular prenatal exam. I am excited because this is the one where we schedule my ultrasound!!! So we talk...about my 8 lb. weight gain!!! Yep in just FOUR WEEKS. Girl been eating GOOD! OR not...perspective I guess...any way we get to the listening of the heartbeat...and to both our surprise it is LOUD AS MINE!! I'm lookin at her and she's looking at me...I'm thinking..."wow this baby is not shy at all...its like right behing my skin!!" She said..."that's pretty loud huh?". Then she drops the biggest bomb ever on me! I'm going to schedule your ultrasound for next week, I think youre having TW...TW....TWINS!!! [insert open space here] She said...you were feeling movement at 8 weeks! Your tummy is a bit larger than normal, your weight gain IS EXCESSIVE...and I have a set of twins that I am about to deliver next month...and this sounds just like their simultaneous heartbeat. [insert mental picture of me slapping this big ass smile off her face]. She goes on to tell me how she is SO EXCITED!! And she is just grinning from ear to ear! Then the baby kicked...and it sounded SO LOUD! She's like...Wow! They're playing! hahaha So I am not going to freak until after my U/S...It cant be this week because I wont be here, but since she is putting a rush on it, it should be early next week. [EXHALE] Wow! My man sounded excited! My mom is excited. And sadly...I'm wondering will I be able to afford a tummy tuck. Cuz I know that twins are going to rip my shapely abdomen to shreds! Oh yeah...and all the thoughts of having THREE BABIES IN DIAPERS!!! Me!! Three kids!! in DIAPERS!!! bwahahahhahaa God DOES have a sense of humor! He wants me to go crazy early in life, I guess! Well until next week...