Why does vomit taste so bad?

I was just pondering why upchuck has to hurt, be violent, AND taste bad on top of that. Ever since the parting in my depression, I have been existing on two levels, it seems. One part is still heavy and weary, and surrounding that part of me is hope and knowlege that things are indeed improving. So I am learning what it truly means to maintain faith. The only thing is, as life is clearing things to make way for better things...it feels pretty bad sometimes. And I am finding it not yet an automatic response to relax and let God do his thing. My car is dying. The one car that we have...When it became apparent to me, I freaked out!!! My man has three jobs, last month he had none...today he has THREE! And I work 20 miles from home. I am thinking, what are we going to do? I dont want a car note. Been there, done that. Not prepared to do it again, we need childcare for two infants, and gas is $4.00 a gallon, and he needs a truck? WTF? And while I'm spewing negativity left and right...complaining about how hard it is to live in the 'meantime'. My man is looking at me in disbelief. "Who are you?", he asks me. While I feel that life is falling apart, he feels it is finally coming together. And things are sometimes uncomfortable when forces are being rearranged. What the? When did he get all Guru on me? haha Of course he is right, and I am just trippin'! How did I get in this place? Where am I? Its so unfamiliar here...and scary, but this is life! LIfe is clearing out all the old garbage. Car is breaking down, phone is messing up, I am being held accountable for things that never used to register on my radar. I am having bouts of emotional upheavals, hopelessness, despair, fear, optimism, love, elation, joy, pride. I am excited about the postive side, but I am literally sick with the 'other' side. I dont like to feel bad things...but they are there. Ugh. Upchuck sucks!

Bitter but SWEET news!

Due to that awful cold I sported last week, I am down to 203!! I am about to get out of the 200's. Lawd! I am so excited! That is 50 LBS...GONE!!! Yep, I'm counting these sick ones. And the ones that were baby! So what...sue me! I havent been under 200 lbs in about 3 years. And even before then, me and 195 were inseperable. I am finally no longer considered obese and my goal is by the time I turn 29, on Sept. 19th, I will be at a normal and healthy weight! Being sick, but still being a mom and having ish to do gave me a hands-on-lesson about the MUST of taking VERY GOOD care of myself. And I shall! :) Have a great week all!

I actually have to go to a tailor and get my clothes altered! Like...this was unimaginable to me! I am getting my clothes taken IN!! AAAAAAHHHHHH! The impossible is possible. Prayer WORKS! :)

New terrain

I bought two skirts on Tuesday! I have been challenged to wear one before next Friday. Will I do it?? Stay tuned! :)

Good News!!!

I have been depressed for about 22 years now. I am 28 years old. At first I just ignored it, then when the load became too heavy, I stewed in it and allowed it to take over my mind. This affected my body and continued to suffocate my spirit. Then as I learned more about life, I began to try and understand it. Trying to understnad dysfuntion just fills your mind with more dysfunction. Finally I accepted it. I have a depressive personality, is what I chose to believe. I believed that for MOST of my life!!!

Then I realized that what lots of people said was true, I really do have a CHOICE in how I am in life! I started reading things that were along the lines of what I wanted to believe. I started to monitor myself, which has proven to make the BIGGEST impact in my life! I regularly checked in with my feelings, my thoughts, my intentions and tried my best not to judge myself too harshly for the things that I didnt like about myself. I journaled. I practice conscious eating. I try to refrain from complaining, and I am a CHRONIC complimenter. I seek beauty everywhere, and when I cant find it, I look up at the sky. That is one thing that is ALWAYS beautiful and AWE INSPIRING!!! I meditate daily, share my journey with a friend who is traveling the same path as I. I have distanced myself from the WOE IS ME' folk. And the results are AMAZING!!! (Unbeleivable, had I not known the darkness of depression first hand.)

Without much effort on the weightloss area of my life I have lost 17 lbs since May 1st. My relationship with my man is DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED, my self esteem is at the very least normal, but dare I say...soaring!!! I have more energy, less stress, more patience, less worry. My mood swings still happen, but the difference is, I'm not at their mercy. The moment I catch myself, I can CHOOSE differently!!! I can!!!

There is a crack in the foundation of whatever had me tied to my depression. I KNOW it is there. There is an opening of light, where there was one only cloudy darkeness. There is lightness where there was once heaviness. There is appreciation where there was once only negativity. There is hope where there was once only despair. I dont want to go on and on, but to live life from this perspective is so encouraging!!! I KNOW that one day soon, I will be completely free of this stuff, and all the stuff that it attracted as a result. I am MORE THAN WILLING TO LET THAT GARBAGE GO!! And the proof is evident in my life! There is something else along the ride of my life with me. And in that space, life is GOOD!

I didnt even notice the depression lifting until I blogged answers to questions and my answers were completely contrary to any belief I had before. I am comfortable with my 206 lb frame. I used to be in despair at 175. Haha youth! I am fine with myself, just the way I am. I'm really okay.

Thank you God. I have been faithful, and you have answered as you said you would. I promise to ALWAYS know you and never be brand new again. I promise to be all that I can at any given day, because you are. I will not go back to livng life as a leaf in the wind. I promise to be rooted in you. Your are my substance and my nourishment. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you. And thanks to you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE me too! okay. I'm so grateful! Amen!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Monica Mingo!!!

That is all. :) Everyone have a wonderful weekend!

What do your children think about how you treat YOU?

"Children do not treat themselves the way you tell them to treat themselves," "They treat themselves the way you treat yourself."

This was such a powerfull thing to read in the AM. I believe this to be so true. I am a wonderer by nature. I enjoy 'enjoying' things, but you could not tell by my life. I sacrifice my enjoyment and pleasure all the time for things that 'someone' deems more important. I say someone, because I am SURE it is not in my nature to deny mySELF. Monica asked what was the first thing you let go of as gas prices rise and economic conditions change, and my answer was personal luxuries. WTF??? Seriously??
When I think about it, it makes absolutely NO SENSE at all. But this is how I operate. So I thought of where I could have gotten such a message and I have concluded, that it is another giftfrom mom. I am not blaming her. I know she did what she felt she had to. And unlike me, she was a single parent with two children, so there were probably times where she had no choice but to sacrifice certain elements of life, in order for us to have. but I am learning at a fast rate that that choice depletes your reserves and barely leaves you with enough to sustain a positive energy, never mind an ABUNDANT AND JOYFUL one. And besides, I am NOT my mom. I dont have to live everything I was introduced to growing up hook, line and sinker! And the last thing I want to do is inspire my children to put themselves last. I want my children to love, respect, value and honor themselves. An attitude like this will produce love and reverence for all of life and all the things in it! So that everyone they encounter will have to be as in love with life as they are, or they will not sustain in their presence. Is that a tall order? WE will see. I'm on it! ;)

I just noticed that my weight is ON the ticker!!!

How the hell did that happen? Oh well. FYI, I am 5'11. That doesnt make it much better, but people tell me it does all the time, so I'm gonna roll with that! :)

Good Deeds fills Gods needs

Now mind you, I dont believe that God has a need for anything, but I'm sure he has preferences. If God gets to choose, I believe He would choose happiness for us over suffering. Thankfullness over unappreciation. Beauty over ugliness. Love over stress.
Lately, my honey and I have been REALLY counting our blessings. We have been praying together, communicating more honestly than ever before, and just being better people. We are gently helping each other stay on the paths we claim we want and life is better. Over the past several days we have had several miracles, and I'm very thankfull. We have been getting free gas money all over the place as thank yous for random things that we never considered reward worthy. Our neighbor got us a $50.00 gift card so that we may have a date night, as a thanks!!! My uncle gave us some free bass to eat! We need food. My sister volunteers her babysitting services two days a week and mom does the other days, until we can find an appropriate daycare. And this is just what I'm thinking about right now, I'm sure there's so much more. And I honestly believe its been because we are giving instead of thinking about how little we have to give. When someone is hungry, even though we dont have much, we offer to feed them. When someone needs to go somewhere, we offer to take them. If someone needs a place to come and collect themselves, we offer our home. Not because we want blessings, but simply because we both NEED to feel helpful somehow. Sharing what little we think we have fills that need for us. I never thought that what we did was all that important, but it means so much to the people we help. And their kindness means so much to us in returen!! It just a big ole ball of love!!! God, I know how I can get sometimes (as the hole in my door confirms) but I dont want you to think that I am sleeping on your love! We appreciate EVERYTHING that you put in our hearts and and our lives. Thank you. From the deepest part of me.

Please continue to bless our home and family and lives. We are TOTALLY willing to do YOUR will. And if you find us being resistant, please continue to keep our awareness high enough, and our intentions clear enough, so that we rebound quickly. Thank you. We love you. Amen.

Give

I was sitting at a red light with my man and children. We were having a very laid back trip to grandma's. There was such a serene calm in the air. The air was hot and humid, the sun melting into orange and purple skies. And we hear a saxophone. So we look to the right, and there is a guy standing next to the pick up window at the Taco Bell playing the saxophone. I automatically looked for his cup (conditioned negativity). There wasn't one. He was sincerely playing to share his gift with the world. I mouthed the words THAT IS AWESOME! Nard and I couldnt stop staring at this man, hypnotized by the meaning behind this moment that we got to share. Then the man pointed his sax at us and said, "This is for yall too! I see the love in that car!" We pulled of...and all that was said was a common, "Wow". I wanted to talk about it. Find out what he was thinking...I felt like I needed to know if it affected him the same way it did me. Me and my busy mind. Instead I just relaxed and enjoyed that moment. God sent us another angel to remind us what we are here for. Simply to share what we have to share.

Too often I ponder what I can do to unleash myself unto this world, and I always dream up these big elaborate dreams that I often honestly believe are too big for me. But it never really takes that much. Give what you can. And somewhere, somehow it will be appreciated. He was so courageous, so honest, so love filled! I am in awe of that man. In the 60 seconds that we waited at that light, I was hopeful for humanity. A stranger showed me the way. Thank you, God. We appreciate your presence in our lives. Love, ALWAYS Keelah

Go Barack!

Thats all folks!

RA.N.TINGS!

Late last night...scrounged around for money to put gas in car. Found enough for a qtr tank....It rained.

Basment flooded, dont know how ALL my books are :(...Had to boil water to wash up in--ewww. Sigh...

Leave on time...find myself 16 miles in the wrong direction, in fog. Wasting gas.

Need to find payphone to call in. Stop at SIX payphones, miles apart, before I find one that works.

Leave angry message. I HATE MICHIGAN SUBURBS!!!!

Get here nearly 30 minutes late...weird vibe!

Hate this morning. Love this peace.

Thank you God for this calm behind my thoughts. growth is beautiful...AMEN!