I pride myself on being able to hide my emotions. I have a smug appreciation for being angry but only allowing it to gently seethe out of my body. How very well 'kept'. My elders would be proud. Hmmm? Well that is NOT NORMAL! It feels what I call painful. I am angry. I am looking at my life and it is not satisfying on a deep level. It is okay from the outside loooking in, only thing is...I am on the inside looking out and I want to die. Apparently. I feel like I am suffocating in this role I am playing. I continuously stifle myself to fit into the boxes that I deem necessary for this life, and I dont feel good about it. I am afraid that all these feelings are going to burst out of me in a very unhealthy way, as not eating has my thoughts and feelings in the forefront of my mind...and when they come, they come with such intensity that I stop breathing to keep them from exploding at an inappropriate time. If there is anyone out there, expect for my pscyoticness to become even more prominent now. I am going to free myself of this zoo of monkeys on my damn back if it kills what I think I am. Critical Mass is being approached, rapidly. I am finally more miserable than I can cover up. I hate this feeling. I crave release but I fear what I will be left with in life if I do. Hiding is no longer a desirable way to deal with life. I yearn to live. Honestly and deeply. I know that I will be in a much better position if I could get whats stuck...out. But I'm also full of what ifs?
What if no one likes the new honest me?
What if people laugh at my emotions?
What if people continue treating me the way that they are accustomed to?
What if I have to leave key players in my life behind, in order to move forward in life?
These sound pretty stupid once I see them, but they are very strong and very powerful inside of me. It is my desire to live like 'I dont give a fugg what anyone thinks of me'...In reality, I care. I care a great deal. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to feel comfortable enough to be REAL around me. I guess I cant be real in a fake world. Hmmmm? More shit to sift through. Its all good. I am being made aware of this faultiness for a reason...Hopefully I am having my last kiss goodbye!
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4 comments:
I don't think it's a fault Keelah. I have a cousin who is a Virgo also and she is the same way. I find that everyone loves her for her ability to keep cool under pressure, including me. You see, I am the opposite. I explode and no one likes me because of it except for a few but it's fine with me. I've gotten used to it.
Follow your heart....
We all desire to be accepted... even people like me who say we dont care what people think of us, our actions prove otherwise... just be you... and follow your instincts
You can't be no one but yourself.
We are humans. Of course we care what people think. Just don't let it get you down.
Yeah, it can be hard. Some folks get you some don't. The ones that really matter will take you as you are and support you through your journey.
My bestfriend loves me even when I am be SO Shai. He listens, remembers and accepts. He gives advice and it is gentle. He supports me. He gets me SO well.
I am more like my fellow Lionnes UKD. Yet, my boy sighs or listens and says that is Shai just having her moment.
I feel ya. Everyone has given some great advice. Work on you just don't let it work you if you get what I mean.
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