...Speaking of Black Thursday

Well I know I didnt speak of Black Thursday...but I am well aware of whats going on today in Jena, Louisiana....and YES I AM WEARING BLACK FROM HEAD TO TOE! This is proof that I am having an excpetionally GREAT DAY! If you work in an office...then you may know what a toner phoner is. They call and ask for the model number of your copier is...the unassuming new person might check and tell them...then they mail you all sorts of pricey goodies for your machine...and by law...you have to pay. Well I am not a newbie...so this toner phoner calls in a very pleasant voice might I ad.

Toner Phoner- Hi! This is [whoever]...I am calling for the model number on your copier.

Me-Hmm? (in a pleasant tone) Did anyone call for service because there is nothing wrong with our copier?

TP-NO...but we call and check model numbers every couple of months.

Me- No thanks! (happily)
TP-Bitch! All your stupid ass has to do is give me the fucking number...{many more curse words}
Me-You are crazy...its not my fault you have a fugged up job...dont take it out on me [barely containing my laugh]
TP-Are you black? Yeah you're black...at first I thougt you were white...but now I hear the savage coming out in you...you must be a hoe too...Black hoe...you gone go home and fuck your black man???
Me-Why? Are you Jealous??? [wondering why I have not hung up on this fool]
TP-Stupid azz hoe, bitch, blah blah blah...
Me-Deciding that I HAVE to tell someone about this crazy ass man...so I cut him off.

I told the sales coordinator in our office...She thought it was a friend because I was smiling and laughing into the phone. Dude! For real? I was just in such disbelief...you dont have that happen every day...I was totally not expecting that...I did thank him for making my day more interesting tho. I loves crazy people! I do! I do!

When did I become Misses!

I have a friend who has a 12 year old daughter. She is one of the most beautiful chocolate babies you ever want to see. She reminds me so much of myself at 12. Very cute...very "grown", but not really...yet very sweet! Anyway...could write a whole post on little Ms. Dirah...but the point is...she calls me by my name. Like most children I know do. I even let my four year old niece call me Keelah...cuz it never really occured to me to have her call me....Auntie. I'm not the "auntie" type! Am I??? hahah But Dirah called me Keelah one day...and I responded...as I do whenever anyone else says Keelah...but her stepdad corrected her. And said, Ms. Keelah. And in that instant...I felt MATURE. And not necessarily in a good way. Now the strange thing is...I refer to myself as Ms. Keelah sometimes...but I'm thinking jazzy Ms. ya know? LIke Ms. Thang! Not Miss...as in elder. But dude...I am NOT a child. Hell I've got a child--Two! Hahaha Funny how this is on my mind to actually write about it. But how yall feel about that? Do younger people call you Ms.? I know its respect...but it just feels quite odd to me. Even tho...I guess at 28 I AM good and grown! Right?

I feel wise today......hahahahhaahaaha

Today...I am TWENTY EIGHT years old!!! I feel great! Today is a GREAT day! The sales coordinator in my office asked do I feel older...and usually, I dont...but today I actually do. And its a good thing. I like 28. It feels very grown and sexy. Old enough...but nowhere near "old". I am a mother to a wonderfully spoiled son...with one more coming soon to a hospital near you. I am a great daughter, a loving sister, a good friend, a so-so A/P person (hey something had to give right?), I have my health, a roof over my head...GOOD food to eat every day, reliable --ish transportation. Money in the bank, a smile on my face...and clothes on my back. I have people that love me...and people that I love. I have goals. I have a fro! (yeah thats an asset!). I have optimism for the upcoming year! I have a beautiful mind...and few stretch marks! Well considering...haha! Its all good. There is nothing I need right now...IN THIS MOMENT! Cept maybe a drink...this is the second dry birthday in 2 years!!! Ah well...Happy birthday to ME!

My New Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. It is not going to be celebrated...in a traditional way. I dont really do parties, usually I get taken out to dinner...eating being one of my MOST FAVORITE pastimes. And I will probably get a card from my mom...dont know what my MIA man is going to do...prolly call me from 11 hundred miles away...so sorry that he's not here...and blah blah blah. But I'm not really excited about it...it is very much a time of reflection for me. This is my new year...and I thought...well no...(honestly i stole this from someone) why not make resolutions??

So here is what I'm turning around in my mind so far. To be revised and posted.
~Create a....budget and stick with it.
~Create an account with 6 months living expenses in it...NOT TO BE TOUCHED.
~Save $100 dollars a month (yeah I know...but hey gotta start somewhere!)
~INCREASE my income!
~Keep eyebrows maintained (sounds easy...but lately notsomuch)
~Actually begin to (REALLY) eliminate my debt.
~Take time every day...JUST FOR ME!
~Go to church at least once a month. I really miss church...but on Sundays...I pass.
~Buy myself a great book once a month! (serious cutback)
~Take a class--yoga, feldenkrais, energy healing, chakra clearing...something that I really am interested in...but always talk myself out of.
~Continue to participate in family fun stuff happening around the city with my son. So far we've done a basketball game and the circus...Good times!
~Catalog my pictures, so that my boys can see their childhood en photo! (Something I dont have)
~I guess this could all be summed up as--GET MY LIFE IN ORDER! ORGANIZE MY LIFE!--

Now that I wrote all this out...I feel so overwhelmed. This seems like so much. If I could just incorporate these things...Life would flow so much better for me...but how am I actually going to have this life? Sigh...I will think on this later...I've made my head hurt. I am mad now!

Dropped the ball...

I work at a virtual office...and one of our clients numbers must be similar to a crisis center, because I have received two calls from there since I have worked here...the first one being a new mother who had NOTHING for the newborn she was about to receive the next day. I was a new mom myself, so my heart went out to her. I packed up all of the clothes that my baby could no longer fit...and took them to her. I dont know what motivated me to do it...I just hate to hear people in distress...specially when I can relate...however--

Fast forward to today...a young lady called in...looking for a crisis center. The correct response being, "You have the wrong number". But I asked her...well what is the problem? And she told me...NOt to tell all her business..but she has a mental illness that she cannot take medicine for due to her being pregnant, 7.5 months to be exact...sound familiar?? Well it should, cuz I am...and her baby will be one in a week...mine in a month. She told me that her family doesnt want to deal with her...because they dont understand her illness and they just think she is a liar, with "issues". Her man just left her because of the same thing. When I heard all of this...my heart began to ache. She was obviously a young woman...and I felt the "tired" in her voice. I heard a voice...offering her my number just in case she needed to vent. I heard myself saying this over and over again...as I searched online for a number for her to call. I BLATANTLY ignored this voice. Telling myself, that I am not a professional, I cannot help her...and this may be true...but I honestly think that I was more afraid of actually having to KNOW her pain. Because her pain was VERY similar to my own...and it scared the shit out of me. When I hung up...I immediately regretted not extending myself...at a time when we could both have used it. I immediately regretted it. I feel heavy. Not as heavy as I do with my own...ish! But i feel like that could have been for me...that could have been a way for us both to heal...or at least talk to someone who could truly understand the other...tho I'm not bi-polar! (At least I dont think I am--sometimes I must wonder :)) I guess that if it is really meant for us to hook up...then somehow we will find each other again. I'm sorry God, for dropping the ball on that one. I dont think it could have been more obvious...and I ran away like a little POWNK! Please forgive me.

I cried and cried some mo yesterday...

And it felt so good. So much has been going on...so intense to me that I chose not even to blog about it. I just didnt feel like actually complaining and then complaining some more. Complaining is so draining...and I already am spread thin. To summarize...my man doesnt understand that I NEED him to come back. He thinks we should move along with the original plan. That hurt. My mother decided that she doesnt want to watch my son anymore, cuz he cried too much...That HURT. (She even tried to play the victim-to a TEN month old!) I am probably going to return to work after my baby is born...Sadness...but when I cried yesterday...I felt myself trying not to let it out...or to cry all cute and shit! But then I just let them flow. I let the hurt consume me...beyond the point of overwhelment. I let it take over my whole body...And then I prayed. And to my surprise...instead of praying for the pain to be taken away...my prayer was simply, "I thank you God, for my tears mean I am alive. I feel hurt...but I grateful for my life." Mid-cry...I wondered...where that came from?? Cuz I swear I was thinking...I dont want to feel this...but I guess for a moment...I was able to just be okay with how things were. My feelings were hurt...I felt victimized, confused, offended...and downright angry. And instead of pretending like I had it all together...I just sat with the fact that I dont...and since I knew nothing better to do...I just wept. Shit...wasnt nothing else to do. My life is not changed...but things are not as bleak as they once seemed. My friends husband has volunteered to watch my son, while I'm at work. And this is a new friend. Thank God for them. They are AWESOME yall! I am not satizfied...but not as uncomfortable as I once was. I am not where I want to be...but THIS is where I AM....so...I can deal with that. Come to think of it...I think a few months ago...I might have prayed for this. Well not THIS! But I remember praying to be developed...and used by God..and all this other ish...that I SO thought meant something else. I guess you cant ask for your lessons to come in a specific way...cuz I WOULD NOT have asked for this. But I know I am growing...and being pushed to grow and confront about every fear that I could possibly have. So if growth doesnt come from this...let me not think like that...that is SUCH an impossiblity! Hope all is well!