Round and Round

I have a startling realization. I have been dreaming of the same accomplishments for at least 4 years. During this transitional time in life, I am being led to get to the root of a lot of my issues. For the current moment that means purging and cleansing. I was going through some notebooks and realized that my goals are EXACTLY the same as they were FOUR years ago.

In my right mind...they are not so huge that they should have taken this long. Basically most of my entries were about how I wanted excellent health, healthy finances, lots of love, an active and satizfying social life, a beautiful appearance, warm and inviting home, real frienship, confidence, creative outlets, and entrepeneurship.

Each notebook was full of variations of this. Then sidenotes from God or my angels, or just the part of me that KNOWS that I can be, do and have anything that I set my mind to, would offer me encouragment, inspiration and LOVE..in the form of GO FOR IT!

Yet years later...here I am. More responsiblity, more emotional and mental weight...and the EXACT same goals. Why? I asked myself...and the answer came to me last night during a conversation with my neighbor.

There are a few 'things' necessary for success and accomplishments of anything. And those things make me have a physical reaction so strong that it became BLATANTLY apparent what the problem was.

The reasons were not not, as I previously assumed, that i wasnt good enough...or worthy of a happy life.
It is not because I did some ill ish in the past and this is payback.
Its not because I am just not smart, cute, confident, open...[insert any other self perceived flaw here]...


its simple...I dont plan to achieve my goals...I 'hope' to.

Hope is a sticky thing for me. I am a believer that if a dream is placed in your heart, then it truly is already yours. So why dont i have mine God?

The answer:

Because you dont intend to have it. Because if I did...I would plan for it. I would prepare my life for it. Thats what people do when they know that something is coming into their lives. Just like when I knew my children were on their way. There were preparations that were made. Thing to buy, think about , learn....but somehow that doesnt automatically translate into other areas of my life.

I want to lose weight! What is the plan? uh.... eat better, work out more...
That is NOT a plan. That is a vague and grossly underestimated phrase that describes the basic premise of what needs to be done. Thankfully, God gave me (and all of us) the ability of self awareness...so that while I know that is the basis, I also know that I have issues with portion sizes, binge emotional eating, and late night snacking. KNOWING this opens up the space for me to make a (sharp inhale)..PLAN!!

I want to be a WAHM! whats the plan? open my own business
That is not a plan, that it the solution, but the PLAN...needs to be specific, step by step INTENTIONS that measures your progress.

As smart as I think I am...this concept is like Swahili to me. I've heard of it. It may be nice to know...but I just cant get behind it! WTF?

I REALLY am my biggest sabateur... Now its like...what now?

PLAN to be your biggest motivator!
Plan to achieve what you see in your mind.
Noone else can imagine, work towards or achieve my goals for my life. Oh how I wish they could...

My name means responsible leader.... God help me to live up to my names sake. I do NOT want to read my journals in 2011, and still be wanting basic things, that are easily within my reach. I am too good for that! I know too much, our relationship it TOO tight, my resources are TOO abundant, I have TOO much potential to continue to play myself out like I am cheap AND on the clearance rack! Help me to love me enough to push through the irrelevant thoughts in my mind that tells me, "you cant do that!", "who do you think you are?", "thats unrealistic...for you"
"you'll never be on that level" "Why try? you will just fail and be embarrassed for even thinking you deserved to be happy" SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP!!!! I HATE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO ME!!!!

I must hate me, cuz they are me.

And then I go to other places, where the people seem genuinely happy and at ease in their lives. They have lives, that are true and authentic and unique to them and they are fed and renewed by their lives. And I LOVE them for showing me what it looks like, but I feel so much envy...because I just dont think I will ever be that way... I say I do... I act like I believe that (Hey! fake it til you make it right?) But...alas the truth remains the same... I dont believe that love is in store for me. I dont believe success is in store for me. I dont believe that there will ever be a time where I will be anywhere near at ease. I expect stress, hurt, and lack. And by the Laws invested in the Universe...that is what I receive. I know its not a coincidence... I believe in the Law. How do I change my beliefs? How do I go deep into my heart and change whats there? HOW (method wise) does one truly change from lack to abundnce consciousness.

I do affirmations. I pray, I meditate, I attempt forgiveness, I give, I encourage others to reach for the stars... but....

Fuuuuuuuckkkkk! Why cant i just snap the fuck out of this and get it TOGETHER??!!!!

Questions

Will it always hurt so bad?

Will I ever be able to look at you and not feel failure and rejection?

Will I ever smile, and be thankful about how things worked out?

Will you ever come and tell me that you love me? And I feel it?

Will I ever be able to stop telling myself "Its okay"....?

Does the pain ever lessen or will it continue to hide for weeks at a time, only to resurface at the strangest, most embarrassing moments?

Do you miss 'us' as much as I do?

Will my children blame me?

Will anyone ever be able to love me?

Can I stop crying now?

Why cant I just 'get over it' like you have?

Why does heartache feel so 'personal'...I know its not...but I feel that I am the only one who feels this way?

Why does the thought of being a part of your past...tear my heart to shreds?

Why am I still here? Its been MONTHS!!!

Whats real?

Life has slapped the shit out of me. THANK GOD its gone! I am currently facing many criseees at all once...but ya know what? I asked God to reveal Himself... and I guess at a time where you have two small children in the dead of winter, probable eviction, car died, job an hour away... 3 busses, -30 degrees.... and you simply wake up early and do whatcha gotta do. No stuttering or stalling. THATS WHATS REAL! I keep getting all these inspirational thoughts and wishes from people who are AMAZED that I catch the bus to work!! Keep my head up, they say. Uh....yeah! Where else am I gonna keep it? Keelah is a bit heavy on the drama sometimes....and thats just cuz I'm passionate about shit and drama being a part of life is no different... Sometimes it gets the best of my mind...but never me. I KNOW! I know that when times seem the toughtest, its not a time to fall (all the way) apart. (carefully ignoring my last post) Its time to get quiet...cuz BELIEVE there is a helluva lesson involved. Sometimes, I need to sit back and accept kind words, and thoughts from loved ones. sometimes I need to understand that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I need to learn that if it is to be...then its up to me. Depending on the situation...I adjust and act accordingly. I love connection, because I can 'feel' which way to lean...and let it do what it do. I am thankful that somehow arrangements are being met to keep our place. My car will be fixed soon, but for the time being, I get to meet some very nice and interesting people on the bus. God has sent me quite a few lovely souls to accompany me on my journies. I get to save money on gas, and just get in a few more steps to my day!! I get help from my family in keeping my kids and they get to spend quality time with grandma, who despite my feelings...is a great disciplinarian and teacher. My son actually respects time outs now. Whooda thunk it? Time out? WTH? I get to feel that accomplishment of doing what I need to BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY! I need that sometimes. And in this process, I relearned that productivity can be as good a feeling as relaxation. Still trying to integrate that one into practical living! My mind resists that notion something fierce! But the fact that I KNOW...THATS REAL!

And in the spirit of changes and changing... CONGRATS TO AMERICA! Happy Innauguration day, ALL! Its a great day to be free!

If I didnt have the WORLDS BEST KIDS....

I would want to die RIGHT NOW!

Have you ever been so unhappy that you just wanted life to end, so that your soul could be free? Maybe I could live another life, in a another universe. And in that universe...I'm okay, just the way I am.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I do. I KNOW this. But I cannot lie, even after looking at all these things, this terrible unhappiness is doing me in. I just dont feel like living much anymore. Usually being at work intensifies these feelings. Not that I dont like what I do...but because I dont want to do it right now. Does that make any sense. My job is fulfilling in a lot of ways... but my soul is just so restless playing small. Yet, I'm terrified of revealing my true nature. I'm so tired of being afraid, but I cant shake this feeling. This monkey on my back is gaining weight. I am not getting stronger carrying all these burdens...I am being worn down. I have visions of a happy life, a fulfilling life, a truly blessed life. And in some ways, I honestly do believe that it can be mine...but will it? In my heart, I dont believe it.

I believe that I am destined to do what I think others expect of me... be a burdened broke down single mom. Eventually running from man to man, searching for the love that little girl Keelah never got from Daddy. Trying to be all that mama tried to make her be. Trying not to repeat the past, but living the predestined role without opportunity for change.

I either starve my sorrows, or compulsively feed them.

I either ignore them, or chief and listen to them.

I know who I am...but I cant live it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged...how can I fix it? Is it even possible?

I'm good people, I know it! But I'm so afraid. Of life, of love, of success, of failure. I am LITERALLY scared to breathe!!! (I hold my breath MOST of the time)

I feel like I am suffocating in this life! Literally unable to function... I want to go lay down under the covers and cry til I cant cry anymore.... but I cant even do that right!

I need an epidural...removal of all pain... I'm tired of being hurt... I'm just so, so tired.

My sons deserve better than this... but I am not better than this...and I'm all they've got!

I need a shot of faith...in the vein. I am dying today.... but the tragic part is...I will probably live until tomorrow...to suffer all over again. But if God is so gracious as to take my spirit from this wretched existence...then will my sons even know how very deeply I love them? How I pray so deeply that my love for them is enough... How I pray every night to wake up different. For them. To feel that I deserve them.

But...alas...I woke up, (late again) still this FUCKED UP MESS! God...why are you not ending this misery??? Why? If you love me so much...why not just KILL ME NOW!!!?????

I cant do this for much longer...I.just...cant!

Random Thankfullness

I used to doubt that God really REALLY heard me. Because I expected that things would work out the way I saw fit. Well... lately, that has not been the case, but now that I am awake, I can see the perfection! I am in awe...again!

Due to economic times, and the recent dissolvement of my relastionship and just... life, I have been a bit less fortunate. I have fallen behind on bills, cried myself to sleep countless nights, wondering how the hell did Wakeelah end up in this predicament? As you can see, sometimes I really do think highly of myself. I'm much too smart to end up like this right? Well...whatever...here I am. And in this place, I learn what it means and feels like to have faith, to know that in the midst of the perfect storm, I can and will come out unharmed, unscathed and actually stronger than I was before. I learned the true meaning of humility, and how to appreciate the growing pangs that come with leaving your comfort zone and exploring a different 'style' of living. I am learning how to truly find myself, amidst all of the things that I thought was me...I am understanding responsibility, surrender, and compromise on a whole different level. I am learning that life may not look how we think it should, but by paying attention, the lesson will be CRYSTAL! The experience is always PERFECT for developing or revealing that elusive quality that we all strive for. I am living with an increased amount of peace and its wonderful! I am thankful...and the fruits of my acceptance:

A friend of mine gave me a beautiful Christmas Tree so that my children and I can actually have one this year!!! It even has decorations and lights and everythign to put on it!

I received countless gift cards to places from grocery stores, to dept. stores, to home stores so that I can improve, decorate and revamp my environments, myself and my family. I can even use them to buy a few gifts for people who I would otherwise have not been able to shop for.

I have a strong plan in place to pull us out of this financial situation...and my business plan is almost complete...and its looking REALLY OPTIMISTIC!! I even have my first client already!

My relationship with my kids dad is much better, now that we are 'friends'. Still feels strange, but I cant deny the amount of respect, laughter and lightness that accompanies our interactions nowadays...as opposed to constant complaints and 'sighs'!

My children are absolutely PERFECT in every way. They are well behaved, smart as ever, and they are genuinely GOOD PEOPLE! Yes...we made them!

My backbone is becoming more and more apparent and I love the way that I am forcing certain people in my life to adjust to 'how it is!"... I'm gonna smile, cuz I deserve to!

God is LOUD!!!! Not just a whisper or an afterthought...I am fully aware of our connection most of the time now!

I have friends!!! I am not sure how to trust them, or confide in them, or even how to utilize their presence in my life...but dammit!!! Ive got people in my life who REALLY REALLY care for me--as I am. I wonder would they still care if they knew.... SHUT UP VOICE! THEY DO!

I feel bummy on the outside, but absoluelty beautiful on the inside...because I really am blessed!

Sadness is as it is....

Today it is nonexistent, cuz I know who I am...and from whom my sustenance comes. Thank you!

Love Always and First!!

Keelah

Happy FIRST Birthday Xavien!!!!!

You are the bestest little boy in the world!! Mama loves you very much! Cant belive its been a WHOLE YEAR!!!

Few other Pics of the Birthday Boy and our family

Mistakes...Yes already!

I ate 3 cookies yesterday eve. I know, I know...it was a test...but they were my auntie Mary's homemade oatmeal chocolate chip boys (coincidentally she brought them over the DAY I decide to change)...and I resisted them forHOURS!!!! Then I decided...just 'taste one'.
Was that me or the addiction?
Hmmm....either way I did...and that quickly turned to 3. They were DEEEELISH! Must ask her what form of CRACK she put in them??? Everyone in my house kept gravitating to them...but sigh, everyone is not chanigng their eating habits...I am! I get it.

Lesson learned: When you feel the temptation.... counter that! I SHOULD have removed them from my sight. Instead, I kept them on the counter, so every time I went into the kitchen...there they were there...whispering softly in my ear..."Taste me...I'm so gooooood." The sound was so seductive, so enticing, so completly romantic. Promising me delectible pleasures that I could only imagine...


And they did not fail to deliver.

Moving along....Today is a GREAT day!!

Breakfast: Oatmeal w/ honey--1 boiled egg white
Coffee

Lunch: chicken, brocolli and potatoes w/ onions

Snacks: Grapefruit, celery sticks, 1 boiled egg

Dinner: Chicken and whole wheat pasta and broccoli

Snack: NOT COOKIES! Pinky swear!! :)

Everyone have a fab day!