Do I want too much?

When the vision that you hold for your life and your actual life dont add up...

Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??

I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!

I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.

Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.

This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?

No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.

I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.

I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.

Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...

I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...

But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?