By Sharing His Spirit...
He connected worlds!!!
I will always love you Mike Jackson! I admire the strength of who you are. You did it! You did good! We appreciate all that you shared with us. And we are thankful that you left so much of yourself here. you have touched so many souls...generations!! MY BOYS ADORE YOU! Especially Jeremiah. I am so thankful to have been alive to experience your presence. You are an inspiration, even more so now that you died for it. You prove to me that greatness, and its lasting effects is always worth the cost! All-ways. Thank you. See ya on the other side...
Me
28 June, 2009
25 June, 2009
...Que Sara, Sara
I try to make him mine, but
...he is not for me
I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.
There is one for harvesting and for sowing...
I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield
...he is not for me
I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.
There is one for harvesting and for sowing...
I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield
Do I want too much?
When the vision that you hold for your life and your actual life dont add up...
Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??
I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!
I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.
Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.
This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?
No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.
I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.
I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.
Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...
I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...
But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?
Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??
I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!
I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.
Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.
This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?
No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.
I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.
I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.
Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...
I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...
But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?
19 June, 2009
If you knew...you'd feel pity. So usually, I dont share.
So much of my thoughts are here...but some I just cant. I wish I could. because telling them to God hasnt done much...so I need to get them out. But there are just too many people that I know that read this, and I truly dont feel like the questioning eyes, random pleasantries that otherwise would not be extended, and just that feeling... poor you!!
Looking at my sons makes me stronger. Looking at them and wondering if I can do this for us? Makes me feel my failure DEEPLY.
I work (albeit late as hell) every day. And the payoff is not what I need. Do you know what it feels like to not have what you need? Do you know what it feels like to not have what you NEED with two children? Maybe, maybe not. But it doesnt feel good. I am a fighter. I have suffered worse. But sigh... So tired. I smile through it...DAILY! I smile over it and around it, minute by minute.
I.am.tired.
That is all.
Working on making the best out of the rest of this day. Hope you are too! Hope its easier for you too!
So much of my thoughts are here...but some I just cant. I wish I could. because telling them to God hasnt done much...so I need to get them out. But there are just too many people that I know that read this, and I truly dont feel like the questioning eyes, random pleasantries that otherwise would not be extended, and just that feeling... poor you!!
Looking at my sons makes me stronger. Looking at them and wondering if I can do this for us? Makes me feel my failure DEEPLY.
I work (albeit late as hell) every day. And the payoff is not what I need. Do you know what it feels like to not have what you need? Do you know what it feels like to not have what you NEED with two children? Maybe, maybe not. But it doesnt feel good. I am a fighter. I have suffered worse. But sigh... So tired. I smile through it...DAILY! I smile over it and around it, minute by minute.
I.am.tired.
That is all.
Working on making the best out of the rest of this day. Hope you are too! Hope its easier for you too!
17 June, 2009
I need...still
I need rejuvenation of my mind, body and spirit.
I need my soul to be magnified and expressed purely and potently through my experience of life.
I need this heaviness in my abdominal cavity to be cleansed and released!
I need this brain fog to clear so that I can SEE!
I need for my burdens to be lifted, so that I may move about in the fashion that is most beneficial. I feel stuck. I feel a constipation of spirit, if you will. I know its there. I KNOW IT IS. Cuz it is...but how the hell do you get it to come out??? I need an essence laxative.
My life depends on it. My health depends on it. My sanity (whats left) depends on it.
Whatever this is... me no likey! I need to remove the restrictions, but they are invisible and I just dont know how...
I really could use some life tools. Sigh... cuz its not working... This is why people run from life, because staying here and looking at it...SUCKS! Running doesnt do much either...but I want to scream. I want to cry. But...I cant...my tears wont fall, so they cant dry.
I need my soul to be magnified and expressed purely and potently through my experience of life.
I need this heaviness in my abdominal cavity to be cleansed and released!
I need this brain fog to clear so that I can SEE!
I need for my burdens to be lifted, so that I may move about in the fashion that is most beneficial. I feel stuck. I feel a constipation of spirit, if you will. I know its there. I KNOW IT IS. Cuz it is...but how the hell do you get it to come out??? I need an essence laxative.
My life depends on it. My health depends on it. My sanity (whats left) depends on it.
Whatever this is... me no likey! I need to remove the restrictions, but they are invisible and I just dont know how...
I really could use some life tools. Sigh... cuz its not working... This is why people run from life, because staying here and looking at it...SUCKS! Running doesnt do much either...but I want to scream. I want to cry. But...I cant...my tears wont fall, so they cant dry.
10 June, 2009
Tell the truth; ignore the devil.
How honest are you in your life? Not how often do you tell the truth, but how often do you say what you truly feel and think...inside. How often do you find yourself tempering what you say and do because you are more concerned with how other people will be about your expression? I am a humble person by nature. And I am extremely empahtetic, which basically translates into: I dont want people to feel bad, so if I can avoid it, even at the cost of my own feelings, i will. and I usually do. Only thing is...that shit is not working for me anymore. And its time to switch the shit up!
Mind spill--Shut the fuck up!! stop crying and fucking whining about ohh...poor you! how badly the world has fucked you over, how he deceived you, played you, used you. how they did you, what they said or thought about you. SO GOT DAMN WHAT!! Quit talking about the same shit over and over again. Dont convince me...I'm tired of hearing the shit!! Convince yourslf on you your own time. Cuz I dont want to hear the shit any more. I want to sock you in your fucking face every time I talk to you...because you get on my nerves!!! I hate how you get all vacant in the eyes as you try and hide behind those dumb ass thoughts of yours. YOU ARE DUMB. If you are willing to believe the shit you tell yourself...then you DESERVE everythign you get. You must want it...shit you turning it around in your head an awful lot to dislike it so!
If you are in denial...how can I sit there and listen to you tell me of a problem, when its APPARENT that there is an operator error in your life?? How can I sit there and listen to this for the millionth time???
I cant.
I won't.
Why not? Its not because I'm judging. Its not because I want to be mean, or self righteous on you. Its simply because I have been there before. I've been you. I've wandered through life with my eyes WIDE shut. And I have suffered.
I've read things, wrongly!! And instead of accepting self responsibility for it...I labeled the circumstance into a neat box of karma, bad luck, or my personal fave: God and His oh-so-mysterious ways!!! When in actuality, I chose not to see the truth. I saw hitting walls as a sign that I needed to be stronger, in order to knock them down. Instead, perhaps they were just spiritual boundaries, to let me know that I was heading the wrong way. Maybe that wall means that that road is not on my path.
Know better, be better! Stop bumping your head up against that wall. I dont remember where I was going with this...its late...im sleepy...and now my energy is all frazzled....cuz i let all of yall come and dump your self imposed agony on me.
Word of the day: Self-Accountabilty
Be accountable, for whatever happens. law is law. You really do reap what you sow. not just in actions, but in words, deed, thoughts and intentions. That is how you plant...your life is your harvest. What is it that you are reaping? The answer is.....whatever you are sowing.
If you like your answer, great!
If you dont...join me in getting busy digging up and replanting some thangs. Seasons are changing...time to plant what I intend to harvest. Happiness, honesty, freedom, love, passion, joy, truth, beauty, peace, laughter...and lists!
Life.
Live it!
YES!!!
Mind spill--Shut the fuck up!! stop crying and fucking whining about ohh...poor you! how badly the world has fucked you over, how he deceived you, played you, used you. how they did you, what they said or thought about you. SO GOT DAMN WHAT!! Quit talking about the same shit over and over again. Dont convince me...I'm tired of hearing the shit!! Convince yourslf on you your own time. Cuz I dont want to hear the shit any more. I want to sock you in your fucking face every time I talk to you...because you get on my nerves!!! I hate how you get all vacant in the eyes as you try and hide behind those dumb ass thoughts of yours. YOU ARE DUMB. If you are willing to believe the shit you tell yourself...then you DESERVE everythign you get. You must want it...shit you turning it around in your head an awful lot to dislike it so!
If you are in denial...how can I sit there and listen to you tell me of a problem, when its APPARENT that there is an operator error in your life?? How can I sit there and listen to this for the millionth time???
I cant.
I won't.
Why not? Its not because I'm judging. Its not because I want to be mean, or self righteous on you. Its simply because I have been there before. I've been you. I've wandered through life with my eyes WIDE shut. And I have suffered.
I've read things, wrongly!! And instead of accepting self responsibility for it...I labeled the circumstance into a neat box of karma, bad luck, or my personal fave: God and His oh-so-mysterious ways!!! When in actuality, I chose not to see the truth. I saw hitting walls as a sign that I needed to be stronger, in order to knock them down. Instead, perhaps they were just spiritual boundaries, to let me know that I was heading the wrong way. Maybe that wall means that that road is not on my path.
Know better, be better! Stop bumping your head up against that wall. I dont remember where I was going with this...its late...im sleepy...and now my energy is all frazzled....cuz i let all of yall come and dump your self imposed agony on me.
Word of the day: Self-Accountabilty
Be accountable, for whatever happens. law is law. You really do reap what you sow. not just in actions, but in words, deed, thoughts and intentions. That is how you plant...your life is your harvest. What is it that you are reaping? The answer is.....whatever you are sowing.
If you like your answer, great!
If you dont...join me in getting busy digging up and replanting some thangs. Seasons are changing...time to plant what I intend to harvest. Happiness, honesty, freedom, love, passion, joy, truth, beauty, peace, laughter...and lists!
Life.
Live it!
YES!!!
01 June, 2009
Just checkin
Does it mean because I deeply enjoy and appreciate breaks from my two lovely toddlers...that I raise ALONE...mean that I'm a selfish mom?
My mom told me that I am selfish...and must be losing my mothering instincts. Sharp tongue, harsh words.
They hurt me.
Not so much because of what she said...but her intent.
Once she let me "know bout myself", she thanked herself for 'correcting' me and moved along to something else. While she spoke, I reminded myself of who I was...
And continued to enjoy my hiatus! Hmph!
You can be fake all you want with your mumbo jumbo... not even you were in this predicament, so tell me how you REALLY feel. Silly rabbit! Guilt is for kids! LMAO!
**Side note, a caller at my job just took 2 minutes to tell me what a wonderful and helpful person I was. She complimented my ability to make her feel at ease and better about her situation. I am deeply thankful for this. Because this is my whole purpose for being alive! And customer service is something I take an usually great pride in. I love customers, and they love me! Gotta love healthy and fucntional relationships!**
Now can we get those a bit closer? too much too soon? okay...I am thankful!
:D
My mom told me that I am selfish...and must be losing my mothering instincts. Sharp tongue, harsh words.
They hurt me.
Not so much because of what she said...but her intent.
Once she let me "know bout myself", she thanked herself for 'correcting' me and moved along to something else. While she spoke, I reminded myself of who I was...
And continued to enjoy my hiatus! Hmph!
You can be fake all you want with your mumbo jumbo... not even you were in this predicament, so tell me how you REALLY feel. Silly rabbit! Guilt is for kids! LMAO!
**Side note, a caller at my job just took 2 minutes to tell me what a wonderful and helpful person I was. She complimented my ability to make her feel at ease and better about her situation. I am deeply thankful for this. Because this is my whole purpose for being alive! And customer service is something I take an usually great pride in. I love customers, and they love me! Gotta love healthy and fucntional relationships!**
Now can we get those a bit closer? too much too soon? okay...I am thankful!
:D
Happy First Day of the rest of your life!!!
Something about June first created anticipation in me for the last two weeks! Dont know what it is...I mean there is a retrograde ending...so thats good if youre into that type of thing. But for me. June 1 is a time of new beginnings...it is the beginning of the 'put up or shut up time'. It is a time for pruning this life and leaivng behind a beautful hand chosen pattern. I am SO EXCITED!!!
This weekend was somewhat kid free. My mom and sis kept the boys Saturday, and their dad spent time with them Sunday. I had a few interim hours, where I had to do a few mommy things, but mostly I got to focus on getting things done for me (and ultimately us)...so that the transformation can begin.
I am ready. I got up early enough to greet the morning. Even though I ran out of gas on the freeway on my way to work. That sucks, becauase I inteded to start the rest of my life doing the damn thang. Sigh....
Well I guess whats best is that I am able to maintain a positive attitude, even though things didnt go according to my plan. The funny part is...I actually made a plan for this morning...
Most of it went off without a hitch. Should I even try to appreciate small progress?
Yep! Me thinks me will. Cuz progression is forward movement.
I miss my friend. I may have lost one. Luckily not to death, so all is not lost. But... Seems like it. It hurts pretty bad. My friend doesnt get it. This life is not a vacuum. We all affect each other. A little consideration goes a long way.
Well N-E WHO!!! I am here. Alive. Feeling industrious and prosperous. Lets get this life started!!! Lets make June 09, the BEST MONTH SO FAR!!!!
:D
This weekend was somewhat kid free. My mom and sis kept the boys Saturday, and their dad spent time with them Sunday. I had a few interim hours, where I had to do a few mommy things, but mostly I got to focus on getting things done for me (and ultimately us)...so that the transformation can begin.
I am ready. I got up early enough to greet the morning. Even though I ran out of gas on the freeway on my way to work. That sucks, becauase I inteded to start the rest of my life doing the damn thang. Sigh....
Well I guess whats best is that I am able to maintain a positive attitude, even though things didnt go according to my plan. The funny part is...I actually made a plan for this morning...
Most of it went off without a hitch. Should I even try to appreciate small progress?
Yep! Me thinks me will. Cuz progression is forward movement.
I miss my friend. I may have lost one. Luckily not to death, so all is not lost. But... Seems like it. It hurts pretty bad. My friend doesnt get it. This life is not a vacuum. We all affect each other. A little consideration goes a long way.
Well N-E WHO!!! I am here. Alive. Feeling industrious and prosperous. Lets get this life started!!! Lets make June 09, the BEST MONTH SO FAR!!!!
:D
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