Responsibilty

My name is Wakeelah. In Arabic, it means a responsible leader (according to mom). It means a worker for God, (according to gas station man). I choose to believe that it is a mixture of both. Growing up, I loathed that my name wasnt Tiffany, or Kimberly--something normal. Why? does my name has to mean something? And why oh why does my mom bring it up whenever she needed some type of leverage. When my room was junky..."You are supposed to be a responsible L-E-A-D-E-R! How can you do that with a junky room?" I have heard variations of this over the years, enough times to last for the rest of EVER!

Well the older I get, the more I find its easy for me to live up to that name. And yesterday I found my reason why. I have a purpose. During prayer on Sunday, it occured to me that I am good at making things functional and pretty. Those are two 'gifts' that I possess. I sometimes discount them because they come so naturally to me, but they truly are energies that have served me very well over my short life so far. It behooves me to accept and exploit them even! They are wonderful qualities to have. And I have the responsiblity to express them every chance I get.

We are all one. When I make things beautiful, I am an artist. I get to express a side of myself that I dont normally get to see, and I give permission by admission for others to do the same. When I am scared to stand up for myself, I add to the fear in the world. I am done with that! It doesnt work. And I'm out of the business of trying to continue doing things that dont work. They.dont.work! Sounds simple, but lots of us do that every day. And still have the nerve to be frustrated that things are still the same.

My mom has been 'losing weight' for as long as I can remember. Her story has always been the same. I dont want to be skinny she says with disdain. As if being skinny is a disease. (This hurt especially when I was skinny) She says, "I just want to lose my gut!" I offer her helpful tips that I have come across (since I have lost 11 lbs. the hard way), and she immediately rebuffs them, without even giving them a chance! I understand the obese mentality...I do! Me of all people knows, but if you say you want something and your habits lead you in the opposite direction, then why be upset when you dont ever get what you want? Why pretend to have all this faith in God? The Lord knows what I need. Lots of people lean on God like that. Yes he knows what you want and need. But most times, in my experience, he doesnt just send the object of your desire to your doorstep! He gives you many ways, people, circumstances that MOVE you in the direction that you CLAIM you want to go.

Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I had a list, and I didnt plan on deviating from that list. I am making myself adopt discipline as a rule. I got lots of fresh fruits and veggies, fish, water and other goodies. Because I am losing 10 lbs. this month!!!!!! My mom resisted my choices as if my buying healthful food for my family was offending her in some way. She went on and on about how healthy her doctor said she is, depsite the fact that she eats fast food 6 out of 7 days of the week. She says and I quote, "My body seems to run better on junk food!" Thats when I realized...I am not just making improvements for myself, my man and my children. I am being an example for my whole family! The weight of the world was on my shoulders for a split second, before I decided to step up me game and be up for the challenge.

For the first time in a long time, I realized I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggles, and I wont be alone in my triumph. I will encounter resistence, and it may be from those I love most, but thats okay! Since I expect it...I will be prepared for it. I can handle it. I will continue to move TOWARD my goal. I owe it to myself, my family, and my community to do so. I am finally ready to take responsiblity, OUT LOUD for the condition of my life! I am so excited!

Mood: Fired up! and I'm feeling it! ;)