Some things in my heart...

I love you. I love you so much, but sometimes its not easy. Sometimes I dont know how. Its so hard to feel what you feel and still maintain my sanity. I want to be there for you. To help you move through your pain and into joy. I want for us to be BONDED. I want you to trust me and I want so badly to trust you. I know we have both been hurt very badly in the past. And our hearts are not distinguishing that the time has past. But it has...I am willing to let go of the pain so that we can move forward, together. Whether we like it or not...we are connected. But I would much prefer we be connected in love than in pain and hurt. Lets remake the tragedy of our lives into something beautiful.

I love you. I dislike a LOT of your ways, but if I have to be honest with myself...I must admit. I KNOW you. I know you better than you think anyone does. I know you hurt, and I know that the hurt you feel causes you to lash out in ways that are not natural to your heart. I know you cannot always 'see' the effect of repressing your pain, but I do. And it hurts me to see you hurt. I hurt so bad sometimes, because you make me hurt. You are careless with your energies and they affect me. Self preservation is strong in any species, but I cannot abandon you. I cant leave you out here without anyone to truly UNDERSTAND you, so I stay. At the expense of my own feelings. I hurt for you...with you. I dont know how to be any other way.


I love you. I love you so much. I know that I need to extend myself to your more, but I dont know how. I think that I am not enough. That you need more. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am enough just the way I am, but I guess I cant give you what I am unable to give myself. That old adage holds very true. I think that I would resent being there for you in the way that you need me to, because I so often ignore those needs in myself. I CANT give you what I dont offer myself. Its just not humanly possible without resentment. I am sorry. I just dont have it right now.

I know you want me to let go and let God. I know that you are ready. I know that you have a vision and that it is I that keeps you from achieving it. I know that it is my fear and my determination to keep things status quo, that keeps you from blossoming into all that you are. I know that I will have to relinquish this unhealthy compulsion, but I dont know how. I dont want to lose. And letting go feels like giving up, which equals losing in my book. I yearn to live from the depths of my entire being. My desires may not seem real to you, but the pain of living beneath my potential is. My fears are. And my desire to live and grow and be well are just as strong as yours. HOw do you let go, when letting go could mean death? How do you reconcile this? How? I really really want to know. Seriously.

To be continued.