So much for mellowing emotions...

I pride myself on being able to hide my emotions. I have a smug appreciation for being angry but only allowing it to gently seethe out of my body. How very well 'kept'. My elders would be proud. Hmmm? Well that is NOT NORMAL! It feels what I call painful. I am angry. I am looking at my life and it is not satisfying on a deep level. It is okay from the outside loooking in, only thing is...I am on the inside looking out and I want to die. Apparently. I feel like I am suffocating in this role I am playing. I continuously stifle myself to fit into the boxes that I deem necessary for this life, and I dont feel good about it. I am afraid that all these feelings are going to burst out of me in a very unhealthy way, as not eating has my thoughts and feelings in the forefront of my mind...and when they come, they come with such intensity that I stop breathing to keep them from exploding at an inappropriate time. If there is anyone out there, expect for my pscyoticness to become even more prominent now. I am going to free myself of this zoo of monkeys on my damn back if it kills what I think I am. Critical Mass is being approached, rapidly. I am finally more miserable than I can cover up. I hate this feeling. I crave release but I fear what I will be left with in life if I do. Hiding is no longer a desirable way to deal with life. I yearn to live. Honestly and deeply. I know that I will be in a much better position if I could get whats stuck...out. But I'm also full of what ifs?

What if no one likes the new honest me?
What if people laugh at my emotions?
What if people continue treating me the way that they are accustomed to?
What if I have to leave key players in my life behind, in order to move forward in life?

These sound pretty stupid once I see them, but they are very strong and very powerful inside of me. It is my desire to live like 'I dont give a fugg what anyone thinks of me'...In reality, I care. I care a great deal. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to feel comfortable enough to be REAL around me. I guess I cant be real in a fake world. Hmmmm? More shit to sift through. Its all good. I am being made aware of this faultiness for a reason...Hopefully I am having my last kiss goodbye!

Day 2

So far, so good. I didnt get hungry at all yesterday. I did have a headache for a little while, but discomfort is to be expected when your body begins to move all the 'gunk' out. Last night before bed, my face began to break out a bit, but was all gone when I woke up. My skin is smoother and my eyes are a bit brighter. My energy levels are up and rising. Today is a good day! I dont want to be obsessed with the scale since I am not doing this fast for weight loss, but I would be fake to ignore the tiny joy I found when I stepped on the scale and was 4 lbs. lighter!


My emotions, which were explosive yesterday are starting to mellow out a bit. I got stranded on the freeway after work yesterday, miles from an exit, no cell phone. Instead of panicking, I moved away from the smoking car and just leaned on the road and prayed. Within two minutes my angel appeared, and she sat with me. Offered me love and encouragement and called AAA and got my car towed to my dads house. My dad brought me to work today. My car should be up and running by the weekend. So I am super excited about that! Things are coming together...very nicely. Not in the way I would have guessed, but pretty good nonetheless. Have a great day!

Taking A Time Out.

Today is day one of a 10 day fast. I usually fast about 3-4 times a year, but with all the commotion of back to back pregnancies, I didnt get the chance (save once) in the last two years and I am feeling it. It is time. My body is overloaded with all the crapola that I have exposed it to, and its time for me to begin the arduous process of letting it go. I am excited about it, as I am actually prepared for the feeling of release. I am letting go of things that I dont need to be holding on to so tightly anyway. So here we go.

The plan is to do a full 10 days of fasting. And then two days of soup and two days of just vegetation and hopefully keep it like that. Optimally, I would like to cease eating meat after the fast. But that may be a bit ambitious, we'll see! Ideally, I will be eating only whole foods. No need to cleanse and detox and then go right back to the habits that have me in this bit of a cleansing crisis in the first place. I am so excited about it!

Mood: Optimistic
Energy Level: Higher than usual (specially with no cof-feine!!)

Gotta work now, been putting it off for an hour and a half!

Getting my ass beat again...

Fast Forward. I am 12 years old. I had a little middle school boyfriend. We will call him Joe. Because that was his name. We used to 'go together'. It was nothing serious at all...until he wanted to have sex...that wasnt even on my radar. We broke up or stopped talking, whatever you want to call it. He went on to 'talk to' my friend Brandi. She was very pretty, very curvy, a popular kid because of that. She was a very innocent type of girl though. However, the combination of those attributes made her a hot commodity in the middle school circuit.

I dont remember feeling any ill feelings towards her about breaking the code. Probablyl because I didnt even know a code existed. I was however, a bit perturbed that she told me that Joe didnt even acknowledge that we used to kick it. I wondered why? But it passed whatever, I was young and those things were really unimportant to me. One day, Joe came up to me and said he missed me. He said that Brandi was pretty but he really wanted me back. He missed our conversations. So...naturally I told Brandi...because she was my friend, he on the other hand wasnt shit! Well the next day at school as I walking through a crowded hallway I saw him marching towards me with fury in his eyes. Immediately, I felt that familiar panic. I knew this wasnt good. He asked me why I told Brandi those lies. I saw her cowering in the hallway behind him, avoiding my eye contact. I looked him square in the face and said, "I didnt lie". And so he hit me! Right in the hallway in front of everyone. And then proceeded to put me in the headlock and keep punching me in my side and gut. Background noise was just that...I couldnt BE-LIEVE this was happening!! I also remember noticing that my friend Brandi was nowhere to be seen. When the bell rung, he let me go and the chaos cleared. I went into science class and I heard people talking about it. "I'm okay...it was nothing" was what I said. Humiliation is what I felt. And hurt that my friend didn't even come to my defense. She told me she was afraid. "Afraid of what??" I thought. He wouldnt hit his precious Brandi! Sigh...but alas. Here I was again, being attacked...with noone to come to my defense.

The beliefs that I have because of these two events alone are:

I am not good enough.
I am out here all alone.
I cannot trust my friends.
Telling the truth attracts punishment.


I'm sure I was supposed to learn to depend on myself. To be able and willing to defend myself in times of need. To not have expectations of others just because I have them for myself. But I was young...and I took the experiences with the wisdom of a young child. And now they are locked in my consciousness as victimization. And I honestly for the VERY LIFE of me dont know the 'technical workings' of getting them out. Or changing them for the better.

I am crippled by outdated beliefs, but I dont know how to change them, in a meaningful way. Sigh...well just anotha day...blasting to the past!

Memories

Well it seems that I will be going down memory lane again. As I cant avoid it. I have been asking questions regarding how I got here in my life. Where did I develop some of the beliefs that I have, and usually when I get really really quiet a scene will begin to play itself in my mind. My mind starts to recall things in detail and I feel the urge to write. Normally I would write in my at home journal...but here I am.

The place in time- Summer 1989
My age-9.5

The scene-walking home from school with my best friend and a group of her friends.

I always felt like the dark outsider looming over the 'pretty girls' life. I loved my best friend. With all my heart and soul. I loved so hard back then. I loved her and even though she treated me differently when other people were around, I accepted it for what it was. My friend acts weird sometimes. I loved her still. This particular day, I was tagging along when a group of big boys (probably around 8-10 years old) came and started to harrass us, as little boys do. I remember pleading to myself, "Please dont mess with me". Well of course they horsed around with a few of the girls and then one of them came and bumped me. You know the old school bump, to let someone know its about to go down. I remember hoping that someone would come to my defense, how they always did with my best friend. But you know what? Noone did. The guy slapped me SMOOOVE across my face. I am not a fighter by nature. I did not want to fight...even after that. But the heat on my face said...ITS ON! So I began to swing on him, the best my little arms could. He hit me, pushed me, picked me up and tossed me to the ground repeatedly. The entire group of girls and boys made a big circle around us, and all I could hear was their screams. I dont know what they were saying, but I know that noone even tried to help. The boys were being really rough with me and I was scared for my safety. I remember trying to run up on the porch of one of the girls and the boy pulled my legs and dragged my body down the stairs. I just checked for the scar...it finaly faded. I remember wondering what it was about me that made people pick on me. I had popular friends, was nice to pretty much everyone...but out of a group, it was always me. I remember being so embarrased and sad. When they tired of me, I was left to pick up my books, which were spewn all around the yard. I believe someone helped me pick up my books. Where were you while I was getting my ass beat though? Someone also said, "But you held your own..." WTF???

If you are wondering, yes I still hung with them after that. No I dont remember it being talked about, but the shame and embarrasment and un-sureness of my worth that I felt that day still lives in me. I still wonder...What is wrong with me? What kind of scarlet B (for bitch) do I have on my chest? Why would anyone want to hurt me? I love you.

THE MOST BEAUTIFULLEST THING!!!

Yesterday evening my 17 month old said..."I LOVE YOU" to me. Greatest moment EVER!!! :)

Satizfaction Guaranteed

I was going to get some KFC Hot wings for lunch. Even after I complained about my weight plateau, even after I searched the web and found out that only 6 wings are a WHOPPING 450 calories.

Well my office manager asked me where I was going for lunch...I was embarrassed as I admitted the truth. Needless to say, that feeling stopped me in my tracks. I reluctantly followed her into the cafeteria in our building...and very painstakingly bought a veggie spinach salad and a water. As I ate, I felt a strong urge to crunch on my wings, but my body had a different reaction. She is ELATED! My body literally began to REJOICE more and more with every bite! If I was not paying attention, I could have easily missed it. I am so HAPPY! Good food=good feelings. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that truth!

Those wings would have been soooo good, but the feeling would have been very short lasting and would have definately led to guilt afterwards. Dodged that bullet! :)

Go me!

I am...

...a proud mother.
...a cohabitating wife. (yeah...time is running out for this role!)
...absolutely LOVING my SPRING CLEANING EXTRAVAGANZA!
...a receptionist
...a visionary
...eternal optimist
...a chimney
...a spritual being navigating this physical existence
...losing weight
...a natural woman
...in Love with Obama (and Michelle!)
...happy for Beyonce and Jay-Z!
...feeling good about my future.
...a daughter
...a sister
...pretty funny if I say so myself
...obsessed with the Biggest Loser
...scared to love people
...excited to move through the confines of my past
...anticipating the joy that is on the other side of my growing pains.
...a budding yogi!
...an undercover fashionista! (Deeeep undercover-lol)
...an avid reader
...terrified of my sexuality. (read: may be an undercover ho, if left unchecked)
...a BIG flirt
...content with life today
...breathing
...anticipating having a 'convo' with Jeremiah when I get home.
...working with the Law of Attraction currently.
...better than I was yesterday
...Here. Now.

Responsibilty

My name is Wakeelah. In Arabic, it means a responsible leader (according to mom). It means a worker for God, (according to gas station man). I choose to believe that it is a mixture of both. Growing up, I loathed that my name wasnt Tiffany, or Kimberly--something normal. Why? does my name has to mean something? And why oh why does my mom bring it up whenever she needed some type of leverage. When my room was junky..."You are supposed to be a responsible L-E-A-D-E-R! How can you do that with a junky room?" I have heard variations of this over the years, enough times to last for the rest of EVER!

Well the older I get, the more I find its easy for me to live up to that name. And yesterday I found my reason why. I have a purpose. During prayer on Sunday, it occured to me that I am good at making things functional and pretty. Those are two 'gifts' that I possess. I sometimes discount them because they come so naturally to me, but they truly are energies that have served me very well over my short life so far. It behooves me to accept and exploit them even! They are wonderful qualities to have. And I have the responsiblity to express them every chance I get.

We are all one. When I make things beautiful, I am an artist. I get to express a side of myself that I dont normally get to see, and I give permission by admission for others to do the same. When I am scared to stand up for myself, I add to the fear in the world. I am done with that! It doesnt work. And I'm out of the business of trying to continue doing things that dont work. They.dont.work! Sounds simple, but lots of us do that every day. And still have the nerve to be frustrated that things are still the same.

My mom has been 'losing weight' for as long as I can remember. Her story has always been the same. I dont want to be skinny she says with disdain. As if being skinny is a disease. (This hurt especially when I was skinny) She says, "I just want to lose my gut!" I offer her helpful tips that I have come across (since I have lost 11 lbs. the hard way), and she immediately rebuffs them, without even giving them a chance! I understand the obese mentality...I do! Me of all people knows, but if you say you want something and your habits lead you in the opposite direction, then why be upset when you dont ever get what you want? Why pretend to have all this faith in God? The Lord knows what I need. Lots of people lean on God like that. Yes he knows what you want and need. But most times, in my experience, he doesnt just send the object of your desire to your doorstep! He gives you many ways, people, circumstances that MOVE you in the direction that you CLAIM you want to go.

Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I had a list, and I didnt plan on deviating from that list. I am making myself adopt discipline as a rule. I got lots of fresh fruits and veggies, fish, water and other goodies. Because I am losing 10 lbs. this month!!!!!! My mom resisted my choices as if my buying healthful food for my family was offending her in some way. She went on and on about how healthy her doctor said she is, depsite the fact that she eats fast food 6 out of 7 days of the week. She says and I quote, "My body seems to run better on junk food!" Thats when I realized...I am not just making improvements for myself, my man and my children. I am being an example for my whole family! The weight of the world was on my shoulders for a split second, before I decided to step up me game and be up for the challenge.

For the first time in a long time, I realized I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggles, and I wont be alone in my triumph. I will encounter resistence, and it may be from those I love most, but thats okay! Since I expect it...I will be prepared for it. I can handle it. I will continue to move TOWARD my goal. I owe it to myself, my family, and my community to do so. I am finally ready to take responsiblity, OUT LOUD for the condition of my life! I am so excited!

Mood: Fired up! and I'm feeling it! ;)

Never give up hoping!

I have been in prayer. And not that whole I'm "SOOO spiritual" prayer...but some serious...down and dirty, deep from my heart of hearts prayers. I have been hurting for so long...some things I was aware of, other revelations were truly a shock to me. All of this shit has been quite overwhelming and that is very much an understatement. I'mma tell you, when I asked God to cleanse me and help me to rejoin Him, I was expecting a few dark clouds, maybe a sprinkle of rain and then this parting in the sky of Heavenly GOODNESS! Sheeeeeeyid!

I got fugged up repressed memories, aches and pains, mood swings out of this world, gas and a host of other shit that has me feeling very low!

But all the while, I tried to maintain a semblence of hope. Why? Because I am a believer in this process. Even though it has its highs and low-lows, I believe that who emerges on the other side of this will be stronger, healthier and just better.But how do I keep my faith during trying times such as these? I have to FIND things that are good in my life even amidst the stormy weather. I have two wonderful children, so its not that hard. They make me smile and refocus on the good things in life, even when I dont see them right off. So on the days when I feel the worst, I am truly blessed to have my Boys.

So in keeping with the traumatic trend of my last few weeks, on my way to work on Wednesday I hit a huge sink hole which made the bottom of my car hit the ground. I got ish to do, so I cussed, got angry, then chugged on back home. Once there my man changed my tire (JUST bought a new set...was pissed about it) and boosted my car and sent me on my way. When I passed the scene of the crime there was a beligerant lady with her car parked in front of the sink hole. So I detoured to add my two cents. Long story short...The local gas company made the hole that was left uncovered...so they are paying for whatever is broken on my car to get fixed! WHATEVER???!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME? I AM TOO EXCITED!! I got new powersteering, the whole arm and leg of the car that was hit, new front end, wheel alignment and they are throwing in an oil change. And they are paying for the rental that I have right now! I had a list of things that needed to get done to my car, and thankfully that list has been whittled down to just ONE THING! So despite how my moods want to tell me life is...I know otherwise. I know that there is a silver lining in every dark cloud. I know that I am being held and loved as I travel through life. I just wanted to share this testimony. I hope that it uplifts someone, cuz it sure as heaven uplifted me. It challenges me to look at what I perceive to be setbacks in a whole new light. I am thankful.

Good times are coming. I KNOW IT! Thank you. I do appreciate it!

Some things in my heart...

I love you. I love you so much, but sometimes its not easy. Sometimes I dont know how. Its so hard to feel what you feel and still maintain my sanity. I want to be there for you. To help you move through your pain and into joy. I want for us to be BONDED. I want you to trust me and I want so badly to trust you. I know we have both been hurt very badly in the past. And our hearts are not distinguishing that the time has past. But it has...I am willing to let go of the pain so that we can move forward, together. Whether we like it or not...we are connected. But I would much prefer we be connected in love than in pain and hurt. Lets remake the tragedy of our lives into something beautiful.

I love you. I dislike a LOT of your ways, but if I have to be honest with myself...I must admit. I KNOW you. I know you better than you think anyone does. I know you hurt, and I know that the hurt you feel causes you to lash out in ways that are not natural to your heart. I know you cannot always 'see' the effect of repressing your pain, but I do. And it hurts me to see you hurt. I hurt so bad sometimes, because you make me hurt. You are careless with your energies and they affect me. Self preservation is strong in any species, but I cannot abandon you. I cant leave you out here without anyone to truly UNDERSTAND you, so I stay. At the expense of my own feelings. I hurt for you...with you. I dont know how to be any other way.


I love you. I love you so much. I know that I need to extend myself to your more, but I dont know how. I think that I am not enough. That you need more. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am enough just the way I am, but I guess I cant give you what I am unable to give myself. That old adage holds very true. I think that I would resent being there for you in the way that you need me to, because I so often ignore those needs in myself. I CANT give you what I dont offer myself. Its just not humanly possible without resentment. I am sorry. I just dont have it right now.

I know you want me to let go and let God. I know that you are ready. I know that you have a vision and that it is I that keeps you from achieving it. I know that it is my fear and my determination to keep things status quo, that keeps you from blossoming into all that you are. I know that I will have to relinquish this unhealthy compulsion, but I dont know how. I dont want to lose. And letting go feels like giving up, which equals losing in my book. I yearn to live from the depths of my entire being. My desires may not seem real to you, but the pain of living beneath my potential is. My fears are. And my desire to live and grow and be well are just as strong as yours. HOw do you let go, when letting go could mean death? How do you reconcile this? How? I really really want to know. Seriously.

To be continued.

Lady in Waiting

...waiting for God to give me permission to live in Glory
...waiting for God to give me permission to be my best
...waiting for God to give me permission to live the life he gave me to the fullest
waiting...
still