Forgotten Memories

I am a student of life. I love my mind and THE MIND! I am obsessed with humanity and its corresponding spirituality. I can clearly see the connection between the two, in a lot of places that most people I encounter cannot. It used to haunt me, but now I can accept it. Problem is...and this is serious. I wanted to blog about it in depth, but I am really not sure where to go next with this, so I will just keep it pretty general.

This past sunday after a wonderful weekend, of spending time with family, baking brownies with sister and just having fun, I journaled early in the AM. It is my favorite time, Sunday mornings, because they are lazy and my man and children are asleep and God can have me to Herself. :) I walk around, sipping water, REALLY paying attention. Just enjoying the moment that I am in with no noise, no distractions. Well after yoga and a healthy breakfast and light cleaning (yes I have been on top of it! House stays neat!) I sat down at my computer for a little free-writing. I started to ask God about the guilt that I feel. I am always feeling guilty for something in my life. Whether it be saying yes, when I want to say no or visa versa. I feel guilty for not wanting to always k.i.t with my fam. I feel guilty for not being MORE than I am sometimes. Some is warranted, most is irrational. So I decided to ask God for help. As I have finally reached critical mass, and am ready to let go of it.

What came next distrubed me. Now if you are a writer, then I'm sure ther are times where words just seem to flow out of you. With you as the watcher. Well I had one of those times. I sat there watching the screen for what would come next...as I truly had NO IDEA! I wathced my fingers as they deftly and efficently typed NONSTOP for seven pages. SEVEN full pages were typed. And in them a revelation that SHOOK up my world. I had typed, IN DETAIL, an occurence that happened to me as a little girl. While I typed, I saw images of things. Clear as if I were in the day. I saw my little girl legs, I saw my clothes, I knew my surroundings, though they were vague. I saw my mothers face as a young woman, probably a little younger than I am. I saw what she wore. I heard what she thought. I had an awareness that was above and beyond that of a child, but at the same time, I was aware that I was infact a youngun!

I am afraid. I dont know what to do. Because what I wrote, if spoken with my mouth could shake up my ENTIRE FAMILY! I have reason to believe that a person who I grew up with pretty closely, did something he didn't have any business. And after reading this back to myself I was shocked. In these pages were insights that I have never known. But they were so vivid and so clear and so FAR from where the journalling was originally going...well not really. It TOTALLY explained where my GUILT stems from. The writing explained how this occurence has altered my life, pointing out situations to THIS DAY, specific situations, where I am affected by this, without having had conscious knowledge of what happened. I am afraid. It all makes too much sense. It all makes PERFECT sense! There are so many feelings that I avoid in my life, because of this. I feel dirty and ashamed and guilty and now I am hesitant to even bring it up...because even though I KNOW its real and I believe it with all my heart to be TRUTH...I dont know what move to make next.

Let me point out, that I am aware that the obvious move is to seek therapy. However I must admit...I feel a bit weird about that. I mean what do I say?..I was writing one day and remembered that...oh yeah...I was molested as a youth! In fact, I think that's why I have intimacy and trust issues in my life. That is also why I avoid normal pleasure. That is why I am afraid of giving in to good feelings and LIVE in bad ones. I dont think I deserve to be happy or genuinely loved. I avoid friendship and even deeper connections with my closest family, because...I feel damaged. That is why at the age when my sexuality sprouted...I was hypersexual, then when I was unable to handle all that came with being sexual...I began to put on weight. To protect myself from having to feel sexuality at all. Sigh...and knowing all this...doesnt help. AT ALL!

I dont know why I am sharing this, or why I have not found it difficult to talk about with a few choice people. I know that there is nothing that is going to happen because of this. I guess its because even though it happened to me, and I feel pretty detached from it...I just can't accept it. Sigh...Oh well...

Back to life...back to reality, back to the here, and now, and then.

Explain please!

How did we allow the media and fashion designers to tell us what a body is 'supposed' to look like? How.does.that.happen?

How do we let our culture tell us what is acceptable hair and what is undesirable? What the ideal skin tone is...One season sunkissed is in...the next, something else...and if you happen to be naturally in season...good for you!..if not stroll into your local dept. store and find that look...for a price. We are being sold a generic beauty...and the price, is our own. How does this happen? Sometimes its so subltle that it sneaks beneath even the most discerning persons radar, but there as a force...it is. It bothers me. It bothers me how women are portrayed in the images that we see. I know that TV is not real, but the way it impacts all aspects of our society and life is.

Do they tell us what we like in bed? How we like to be stroked, caressed, loved? No. Then why in the hell do we let them commercialize other aspects of our identity that are personal and specific to each person?

...Because I live in my body. I know what I like. I tell YOU what I want. So why is it that when it comes to our beauty, we allow ourselves to be told what it is we should desire? We have been told so long, that most of us believe that it is our OWN opinion. Biggest travesty ever, someone outside of yourself making decisions on how we are "supposed" to be. How bout...Im'ma be who I AM! Deal with it. Or not. Whatever!

One less thing!

I had visions of having a new kitchen, so I thought that I was maybe previewing my dream kitchen...well my landlord came by this morning and told me he is about to gut and rebuild my old kitchen. New cabinets, shelves, a whole NEW layout!!! AWESOME! One less thing.

I wanted to get my carpet cleaned, before my son starts crawling,...that comes with my lease renewal!!! One less thing.

My man is studying for his builders liscense. He is about to start a Home Improvment Company here in Detroit. But...saving for all of the tools he would need, was going to take a while...His uncle, who used to do Construction before his accident, offered to GIVE him all of his tools. And these are not cheap tools. Unc only bought quality things! One Less thing to worry about.

My car has been violently shaking, and I kept putting it off until I had a nice chunk of change to invest in the fix-up. Part of me knew that I was playing with fire, driving it that way, but I just dont have a lot of 'extra' cash right now...Took it to a shop (best shop in the world), found that it is not as bad as I thought. Got the most important thing fixed this morning, and the VERY AFFORDABLE remainder will be done next week. Then my car will be like new! One less thing.

And on top of that...I lost another 2 lbs, without effort. My goals and my actions are finally in alignment! And yes...it IS GOOD!

My son used the potty for his first number 2 today!!! So excited. Hate that I missed it, I came into work instead of sitting around the house for the remainder of the afternoon. Gotta save my vacation days for a real vacation! Which I am seeing in the horizon. Now I dont know how its going to happen, but I'm sure there is a way! So...I'll keep ya posted!


I want to SCREAM!!!!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But that will have to work!

A day in the life...

It is sunny summer day! I am cute. Thats the scene. I am doing an interview for an up and coming health magazine for Detroit. Here is my interview:

Interviewer: Welcome Wakeelah, You look Great!
Me: Thank you so much!
I: I read your bio and your accomplishments are quite impressive. It says that had two children in two years, got married, started your business empire, AND lost 60 lbs. all in the same time period. I'm tired just thinking about how you did that? Whats your secret?
Me: Well its no secret really...I just relaxed in life and allowed it to guide me where I was needed. And everything just kinda worked out.
I: I find that hard to believe. Things dont just happen, you have to have had a plan or something?
Me: I know, I know...seems crazy. But it all started out with me taking more time for myself. Having two young children can definately cause an identity crisis, so just the opportunity to have that time was so crucial. It gave me the opportunity to do things for myself that I had been neglecting and just helped me to reconnect with my spirit. I am a naturally very mental person so grounding myself by working on my phsical self was the best way to go. I practiced yoga twice a week, ran every day, did weight training. Took mini vacays regularly...Just loving myself thoroughly helped me to enjoy life more and to be a better wife and mother and ultimately made me successful too! Its really a blessing. Its a great feeling!
I: Sounds like your plate is full?
Me: Yes my cup runneth over and its ALL GOOD! Taking care of myself gives me an abundance of energy that helps me to care for my family, friends and community. I just started my health ministry for young girls locally, a few months ago. I go to schools all over Detroit and talk to girls about the benefits of health-full living and how it can completely reshape their lives. I offer real-life tips that can completely change their experience of life, you know? And thats what its all about. Transformation, re-connecting with who you really are. You really can do anything! I am proof and I want to spread the word!
I: So if you had to offer five words that expresses your truth, what would it be?
Me: When in doubt, trust God! or better yet, In ALL things, God first!
I: Nice! Thanks for your time.
Me: Thank you for having me. Be blessed!

After the short interview, I go into the next room and kiss my husband and hug my kids. I tell them how it went. It was very laid back and beautiful. Stimulating. We all get into our new truck, that we won at the Casino and go to the Zoo! On the way we snack on our cut veggies that I packed in our travel cooler and sing along to the radio. We are livin' free and loving life! Dont get much better than that? Or could it...? Hmmmm?

Got me some new 'skins baby!

What can I say about Parenthood? Its GREAT! I was very concerned early on, because I constantly questioned myself and my ability to handle this job. I worked myself up in a tizzy for every mistake I made, as if??? It was going to be the last. I had many sleepless nights asking God what in His green earth could he have been thinking to give me children, because while I have always felt 'motherly', it wasnt until I had children that I truly understood what it was to be maternal.

As time went on, I continued to pray about it. And not that pray to sound spiritual, but seriously...bare my soul, ask and listen for the answer, because even in my haze (of depression--haha), I knew that there is little else that I can do in this world that can compare to MOTHERHOOD. Nothing. It is my Zenith. It is my salvation. My kids are literally my saving grace, every day. They are the force that makes it possible for me to change. Not that I couldnt, but for them...I AM. It is so crazy to be in the midst of change and have the perspective to recognize it as that. Usually, life moves so fast that I dont realize what happened until I am out of the thick of it, and have that refractory period, where the winds have calmed and THEN I can see and understand what happened. But life NOW is in the present tense. I am literally changing as I type. And its AWESOME!!!!

I had this view of being a mom, as pure MARTYRDOM! I would settle for nothing less...I would spend myself until there was nothing left, if it meant that my children would be happy and provided for. However upon laying my feet on this holy ground, I realize that I dont have to do that at all. All I HAVE to do is stay black and die! Both of those will happen without any extra effort on my part! HAHA!

Being a parent is easy. Not without challenges, I have had to adjust my life and my ways of thinking constantly, but once the groove is found, then life and parenthood...FLOWS! And its quite lovely. I have learned to LOVE LOVE LOVE housework! And anyone who knows me...KNOWS that is Strange City FOR REAL! I love the feeling of accomplishement in my household. A few of my new passions...Having bottles made for the day, having all the cloths cleaned and folded and neatly arranged, making my sons SMILE from ear to ear, dancing with my kids and daddy! Having laundry done regularly, keeping health-full foods for my fam to eat, spending TIME together! I am really loving life right now.

Fun stuff: Jeremiah (16 mos. is beginning potty training!) He is so awesome! He loves to dance and tell jokes that only we can understand, but still HILARIOUS! He is learning his colors and body parts....got the NOSE down pat. He goes around touching everybodys nose now!

Xavien (nearly 3 mos.) smiles often, very laid back style. He sleeps through the night most nights and is just a PLEASURE to be around. He is curious and uber strong for such a young person. He is trying to talk already! He just babbles and coos and has an expression...like "You know??" Love them!

Whatever they need, it seems God has infused us both with it! Our family is really gellin'! Its a wonderful look for us. Honey and I are treading on the outskirts of a deeper love and respect for one another. Our communication over the past two weeks has been incredible!! Knock on wood, but since that 4 AM thing...(vaguely salty), things have been great! We make sure that time spent with fam is FIRST! We both also have time to self, or for other interests. Even though a lot of place still need that touch of balance, I can honestly say that life now is running more smoothly than it ever has. I have MORE time for myself and all the things that I used to complain were missing from my life. Health and fitness, yoga, time to play with hair or read are all in there now! And since I work out now, I have enough energy to do ALL THE THINGS that I want to do! Its truly FANTASTIC!

I havent written much lately, because its been quite strange adjusting to this 'newness' about my life. But it is truly a joy, and I am deeply thankfull! I just want to send a shout out to my homie, God! Your presence in our lives is SUCH A GOOD LOOK! Thank you...for EVERYthing. You are the ish!