What the fugg???

Me: Are your hardwoods light, medium or dark?

Her: Ugly! (laughter in unison)

Her: Well dark I guess...dark is ugly, right?

Me: (Pause of disbelief) Um.... so what color?

Her: Probably medium.


Hmmmmm? Is this only weird because I am dark?

To you:

You are the last thing I remember before I drifted off to sleep.
The sound of your voice, the feeling of your tenderness and understanding helped me drift off in such a wonderful way.
You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning.
I smiled.

I think of you, often.
I wonder...I imagine.
I try and tell myself, slow down. Dont go there, yet.
But my heart is full of love for you and no matter what I say to it...it simply continues

There is no room for this right now. I have to FOCUS. I have ish to do! I cant take a pause right now.

Invitations. Confirmations...

Damn. I cant DO THIS!!!!

But I so want to...does that count at all?

You have my mind scrambled...and its invigorating!!

Ssshhhh! Dont tell nobody....

I really, really like you!

Pruning

Some things dont deserve to be in my life.
Some people dont deserve to be in my life.
Some thoughts dont deserve to be in my life.

So they wont!

Some things need to be changed, evolved, or released in love. IT IS DONE.

Sometimes you have to open your eyes, W-I-D-E, and see things for what they are. Nothing is ever as bad or as good as it seems. It is. Allow it. Thats the only WAY.

You cant deal with what you refuse to see. I get it!!!

I vow to remove all things that keep my sight at bay. I desire truth. I crave it like clean water and fresh air. It is necesssary. It is LIFE.

I'm so excited, because I am building my dream life right now. And I get to choose all the little details. How exciting!!! Its decorating...but a LIFE!!! MY LIFE!!!! How yummy!

I am thankful that I get to do what I love for a living, and for a hustle.
I am thankful that I found a way to gain extra income that allows me creative freedom and control over my destiny.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful place to live.
I am thankful that I have a reliable car to drive.
I am thankful for all of my possessions.
I am thankful that my children are the most AMAZING people I have ever met!!! They keep me humble, real and motivated!
I am thankful that I am intimately enjoying this new love affair I am having with TRUTH and him!

I love the newfound freedom that comes along with speaking it, demanding it, and practicing it...ALL THE TIME!

I love the challenge of being true to myself, when surrounded by those who benefit from me being the way I have always been. You remind me WHY I decided to make these changes. I dont care if you dont like it...or me for that matter. Keelah has things to do. And if you are not wit me...then you know what to do with those rocks over there right?

Do it!

Love. First and Always.

Random things....

I had the same nightmare all night.
I would hurt, then ease out of the dream, only to have a different variation of the same dream.
Same pain...slightly different intensities.
I am still alive. So...I guess I can live through the worst case scenario.

I thought of you last night. You must not have thought of me...you didnt call.

My yesterday was FULL! I enjoyed it immensely. I only disappointed one person. I hope she appreciates that I really tried.

I am at home. In the midst of spring cleaning... I guess there is always time for a blogging break.

I am ready to start attacking my demons. Shit...its the least I can do...bitches been on my head for YEARS!

I want to pick up my stake.... but I think I may just fly away.....

On a scale of 1-10, I am at a 5. And no...I dont like riding the middle. 8's or better, man. Eights or better.

I am already resisting work tomorrow. I really dont want a regla 9-5. It really does seem to take away from my life instead of adding to it. Maybe if I made more $.... Who am I kidding? I dont wanna go! I'd rather be making Mickey Mouse(ish) panna cakes for my boys.

I havent trained as consistently as I shoulda...Whelp! Today is a new day...and YES! I am still running the race.

Later on...I will get back to my business setup. After cooking, laundry, front closet, bathroom cleaning... I need another me to help out with my life. I guess this is why people get married be-FORE having children. Having help is REALLY important. Sigh...

Not going down that road...(even though its pretty unavoidable, cuz I live on that road)

I wouldnt change much in my life...but I sure am sad about being a single mom. It colors my whole world. I feel shame, guilt, and hopelessness.

Good thing they are just feelings...and can be worked through.

I am more than enough to handle this...but I find myself asking quite often..."Why?"

There was a big bowl of popcorn prepared for my boys for after lunch....Now there is a big pile of popcorn waiting for the vacuum. LOL. My bad!! Truly, I should have known.

Chocolate Milk is GOOD!

I need to start logging my food again, something (and not just this heavy feeling) is telling me I have been wilding out a lil too much, lately.

Time to go clean something.

Love.

wwoooohssssahhhh

I sit.
...and I wait.

I wait for the next time it comes around. I wait to see how I respond.
Will it be painless this time? Or will it ache long after the wound has been...
TOUCHED.

I wonder how much I really gave, because the pain is lingering...I feel.
I feel the past slipping, to wherever it goes, when its no longer NOW.
It hurts. Deeply.

So I cry. Sit. In stillness. Waiting.


I move forward, chagrined. Destined to succeed.

How naive of me to believe that I could walk this earth, and love...unscathed!!!

I laugh bitterly at myself for that one! I mock the promises of life after death.

Fuck later. I need NOW!

I am afraid of the day when I wake up...totally okay.

But I yearn for that day as well. Because then, I can pick up the pieces, and continue crafting my masterpiece!

Its will be beautiful. Not inspite of, but in light of.

So through this...I say thank you.

Thank you for revealing to me that place that still needs. Still hurts. The place in me not protected by the wall.

You have shown me, my vulnerability. My softness. My love.

I will continue...not inspite of, but in light of.

How could you? How could you say something like that to me?

A joke? Is that what that was supposed to be?

I'm a funny girl, with an AMAZING sense of humor.... that ish was NOT funny. NOT ONE LITTLE BIT!

Am I being too sensitive? Again???

Maybe, just maybe...I'm not too sensitive. Ever think that its you thats too harsh?

Or maybe...its just another misunderstanding...

I know you wont ever read this...but feel this babe....

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

Ding! You know what to do after that!