New Years Resolutions...again!

I was sitting with Tima yesterday and she said that she had to come up with a New years resolution. And through the haze (of thought) I congratulated her on such a smart comment. She said "A" new years resolution...not resolutionssss, like most people I know. Why is it that we all try to use the new year a reason to completely overhaul our lives. Most resolutions of people I know sound like this...I am going to lose weight, get my money in order, start having more fun, start my own business (sans plan...lol) and blah blah blah...the same things that we need to work on all year round in order to make change all of a sudden, to us, seem like they can become fruitful after the first of the year. And I cant lie, I had a list of new years resolutions that I swore if I planned just right, they could all be habits and fully functioning in my life by March! Well I am gonna take a cue from my sister and take it slow. I only have one resolution and that is to BE present for my life. Any and all other changes will come through that. Nobody seems to be listening to me right now...but thats just cuz yall dont know no better yet...lol just kidding. If a lonely stranger happens to read this...Have a wonderful and prosperous new year. Two Thousand and Seven is going to be the BOMMB!!!

If not me, then who?

Okay I was just having a conversation with Chris that led me to believe that I am one of those people who refuses to take responsibility for the circumstance in their life. I don’t know why I assumed that I wasn’t but I am. And the other thing is that I have so much information on what does what, that I am immobilized trying to figure out the best combination of things to try. I know so many therapies that could probably help me to get unstuck, and first they cost money. And I have already told myself that I cannot afford any of the things that I need to make my life “work” for me. Second, I don’t have time or energy to get these things done, because I have so much going on in my life! Now really...there is 24 hours in everyones day. Excuses, Excuses I am full of them. and even worse, they all seem to make sense to me. There are so many goals that I have had over the years, that I have totally cheated myself out of accomplishing because I always made up reasons why I shouldnt try or how it wouldnt work. Or how circumstances needed to be different before I could take the chance of doing anything. As if somehow my external world was going to miraculously get itself into order and then I could enjoy it more or be more accomplished or confident or whatever else I thought was going to happen...with no input from me? Who else is going to make changes in my life? How disfunctional is that? I mean I have been trying to lose weight for almost 11 years. When I first started out...I was just like 10 lbs overweight. Now I am like 50 lbs. overweight, becasue it never really REALLY sunk in that I would have to actually exert effort to make change. I thought that I was going to eat what I wanted, make excuses not to work out...complain about what needed to change and that was the perfect recipe for my Perfectly healthy body...what the fuggg??? Is that crazy or what? Well Im not gonna put myself down about it anymore...now I know so ignorance (no matter how obvious the truth may have been) is no longer an option. I KNOW now...and now I am present enough to take conscious action to become more of the woman that I imagine myself to be. No longer will I blame my weight on my cravings, our food sources, mass marketing, or anything else. None of these can stand up to the power of choice that I have. No longer will I be mad at myself subconsciously humming the McDonald's jingle. (Destiny Childs version--of course) and then blaming the programming that I allowed to infiltrate my mind. It is me that allows that stuff to penetrate me and alter my mind. If I am being bombarded with things that are counterproductive to my goals, which is damn near everwhere then I must program myself for accomplishment of my goals, not to be swayed by...'everythang else'. Its absolute BULL SHIT! And I am not standing for it any more...if I dont take a stand in my own life...who will?

Sloooow down!

I was just at KMart today, buying bottles for my little one. Yes...irrelevant, but I felt like such a mom! Whatever that is...anyway I digress. I noticed that the cashier wasnt looking anyone in their eyes. Sher hardly recognized that they were there at all, except to get them to sign the credit receipts and turn the little baggy merry go round. Even then she was not paying much attention to the fact that there was another human standing right in front of her. When it was my turn...I spoke first, which threw her off guard a little. She looked as if she was awaken in the middle of a dream by a loud noise or something. As if she didnt know she was at a store...working!!! Lately I have been noticing how often I am not present in my life, but now I see its not just me...we are basically all sleepwalking. How often do you actually pay attention to what you are doing? Even when you are doing things that you have done a million times before, how often are you present enough to be completely aware of what you are doing? Or are most of your daily tasks on autopilot. I caught myself washing the dishes the other day and I was rushing through it...then suddenly I had the thought, "what am I in such a hurry for?", what am I doing after this? The answer was absolutely nothing! Now I try, (when I can, which is not often, but I'll get better) to remember to slow down frequently during the day. I try to put my full attention on what I am doing. If I am in the shower...I take the time to feel the water on my skin and the feel of the soap and the coarseness of the towel, and how it feels different on each part of my body...the smell of the soap, the way my body responds to all of these. I pay attention to the feel of the tub beneath my feet and how it feels when I step out on my bath mat. (wish they were more plush) I especially love lotioning my body and paying attention to how good it feels to rehydrate my skin. You will be surprised what messenges come to you after you give your full attention to the actions that you take during the course of the day. I have made washing dishes a time for meditation, because I found that when I go deeply into the act of dishwashing, that I feel sooo calm and peacefull. I often wonder what it would feel like If I never phased out, and was just present and took my time with everything...all day long. If thats possible...I'll bet it is the bomb! ....ONE DAY, MAN...ONE DAY!

Can you learn style?

I am style challenged...let me start off by saying that. I have never been that girl that looks great every day. Or most days. I look okay, but honestly I am not as pulled together as I would like to be. I must admit, I was one of those girls who used to envy (secretly hate on) girls who could pull it together with what seemed like sooo much ease. People who seemed to have style that "fit" intimidated me and just made me feel much worse about my situation, because I wondered why for the life of me could I not put myself together the way some seemed to do naturally. Now that I am a woman, I am no longer jealous of that quality, though I still want that...I am more aware that it is something that I can learn, but real style it seems comes from a working knowledge of who you are and what you really want. These are two questions that I ask myself frequently and still come up blank a lot of the time. I overheard a conversation today about a girl who didnt want to go to school because her hair was frizzy, and I thought that was the stupidest thing I had ever heard!!! I have went places with my hair blew out some days, and it didnt matter, so I assumed everyone felt that way. Then someone said that hair is important to girls and it got me to thinking about how many things that are considered...girl stuff that I missed the memo on. I mean I didnt grow up in a house where I had to 'look' a certain way. I mean I was harrassed for my chronic ponytail (which some considered lazy, but I like to call it my signature, *smile*), but for the most part it was okay to be how ever I wanted. Well I have finally come to a point in my life where it is not okay to just go out of the house any old kinda way. I dont have to look like a fashion magazine photo (cuz I cant afford that ish--secretly wish I could tho), but its time to really just go ahead a face my fears and do the damn thing. I just dont really know where to start. I mean anyone can buy the outfit on the mannequin, or thats in the catalogue, but I want to have a style that is unique to who I am. I want to unveil the new me for the New Year!!! I want to be so fly, and by fly I dont mean that other people think I am, but that I know that I am!