Long azz post...

Well I think I have a friend who has turned on me...AGAIN! During my first pregnancy this friend of mine seemed to be there for me. She was supportive and listened with seeming interest as I went through all of the changes that one goes thru during a time like this. I tried to be considerate of the fact that she did not have children of her own and spare her ALL the gory details that I would not hesitate to share with other mothers. Well just because before I experienced pregnancy, a lot of the details would have been pointless for me to know. Besides there was always this 'feeling' that I had...that just kept me at some sort of distance. I really REALLY needed support during this time...as me and my man were not as tight as we could have been. And tho this was not something that was discussed in depth...this friend knew this. I really tried to reach out and connect to other people, because for the first time in a long time...I knew I NEEDED that. My mom had the been there done that attitude...and none of my other TWO friends had children...so I was pretty much on my own. I joined an online community which was my saving grace during this time. Anyway...this friend was there to offer kind words and her brand of support. I cherished this...cuz if you cant tell...I dont tend to allow people that close to me...

Fast forward a few days (months) I am pregnant again...and I.WAS.TERRIFIED. Life is better for me this time...as I have a CLOSE relationship with my crazy mama, have a HEALING relationship with my man, and by bout with post-partum hopefully is a wrap. But I am scared. At the time my son was only 5 months and my mind is racing with what are we going to do? How am I going to have TWO LITTLE BABIES. This friend knew my feelings and offered me the whole "God" thing like a good practicing Chrisitan is supposed to...but I felt something underneath. Choosing to ignore that I continued through this experience just relying on my families support and encouragement and my sons faith in me. I feel the distance growing between us with every remark disguised as a "joke". I dont really know how to tell her that the things she says are affecting me. As I think a friend would know. The idea of ME being a parent was one that I wrestled with the ENTIRE time I was pregnant the first time around...and you KNOW this...however when YES by my actions and my choice I am going thru it again...you have total disregard for my feelings during this time. I am closing up. I dont want sympathy...because through all the changes of the last two years...I am AWARE that becoming a parent is the single most AWESOME thing that has or ever and will ever happen to me. There is nothing in this world that can compare. I am so thankful for my children and EACH and every experience that the birth of my motherhood has brought to me. No matter how painful (or how much I complained), I am deeply appreciative for the sacred knowledge that only one who has felt the movement of life INSIDE them could know.

sidebar-{And I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL, God. Cuz I know it wasnt my honey's sperm that got me pregnant. It was you. Kudos. Job well done. Hopefully you think the same...}

Anyway...being this as it is...I am still deeply hurt by the changes in this friend. And just in case you are wondering...could it be that I have changed?? Yep! Sure have. The world is mostly about me and my baby now. I have withdrawn...not being funny acting, but just because my attention is constantly drawn to me...I DO have a BABY growing inside of me!!! I do care about whats going on around me...but not as deeply as whats going on within me...as I grow as a mother and a mother to be. This is LIFE CHANGING. I am dying (LITERALLY) as this new being is being birthed. It is nothing short of AMAZING! It is one of lifes true miracles. And most people understand this...and offer me encouragment and if they KNOW then guidance. Not smart azz comments. Am I being too sentimental?? Dont think so....I'm just NOT feeling this. Mood: Happy cuz I'm eating!! :D Sad: cuz another one bites the dust!

Check this out!!

she's so flyy: she was sooo pretty....for a black woman.

I'm going....shopping.this.weekend...sigh

Okay I MUST buy some maternity clothes now! I dont know why I dont like maternity clothes...seeing as though I am VERY pregnant, but I have some type of psycho-somatic avergence to clothes with a big belly part!! When I was pregnant with my first son...I kept wearing my street clothes until I LITERALLY couldnt get them on. I mean I didn the open button, unzipped zipper, the cover up a too tight shirt with a big azz jacket thing. My ass kept expanding...so my shirts got longer. My heels got shorter...but my clothes stayed the same. Weird huh? People started to ask me why I wasnt maternity shopping...and I gave every excuse I could come up with. But I think its just because I dont want to buy these BIG AZZ CLOTHES!! Now my mom thought it was because I didnt have any money...so she tricked me one day saying she wanted me to help her buy something and took me MATERNITY SHOPPING! I bout died! The whole time we were there, my nose was turned up (very ungratefully) and I just felt disgusted by all the panels and elastic...and HUGENESS!!! I felt embarrassed almost. I tried to only buy things that didnt "look" maternity. I wish I could embrace this like NORMAL. But I cant. As soon as I delivered my son, I packed up all my M clothes and gave them to the Salvation Army. Mind you I still have 2 garbage bags of regular clothes that I have been "donating" for years! So when I got pregnant again...so soon after my first pregnancy...the denial is even deeper...cuz I didnt even loose all the baby weight from my first pregnancy. So the clothes that I need are going to be EVEN BIGGER!!! Today I had to literally use a pulley method to get my azz into what I have on today...so my path of denial has come to an end. I must go shopping! My man sent me money to go a few weeks back...and I lied and said I did...so I really have to go...he will be back in 6 or 7 days!!!! I cant let him see me prying myself into these clothes. I am so ashamed--not so much of my body---but of my feelings about this whole thing. Sad part is I got a visa checkcard just to maternity shop...and I have not bought not one thing. its been weeks. NOT ONE THING. I have issues. maybe my shirt is cutting off circulation to my damn head!!! I dont know...but my discomfort today is going to have to trump whatever "issues" I have surrounding this...sigh....Dude! I REALLY need to see if my insurance covers therapy...cuz I'm reading this and I'm like..."THIS CHICK IS OFF!" [insert psycho laugh here]

Repost: Dear Hair

My hair loves me so much. Even on the days where I find it hard to show it love back. When I pretend to be ashamed of it, because I dont think people will understand it, My hair loves me. When I pull it back, because I live under the guise that I am too busy to take the time and care of it that it deserves, still the love stands unwavering.

Dear Hair,
I love you. I know that I dont tell you nearly enough, and by the way that I neglect your needs, you wouldnt think so. But I do. Its just so hard for me to deal sometimes. There is so much going on...and you know you are not the easiest to deal with. I want to do whats best for you...but I just fall short sometimes...okay A LOT! I dont blame you for not putting on a show, I dont do my part--how can I expect for you to perform? I will get better. I promise-PINKY SWEAR!

Dear You,
I love you too. I dont want to stress you out. I just want to remind you that I am not difficult to deal with at all. Your thoughts about me make me seem like mount everest, but its not that serious. Happiness for me is health. Same as for you. I just want to loved, appreciated, touched, watered, fed, and nourished. Give me that and I will show you an expression of love like you have never believed was possible. It doesnt take a lot. It just takes your attention. You can love me during your day, you can love me during your entire life. Just look out for me. Help me to rebuild and stay strong. Keep me out of the winter elements. Make sure that I stay hydrated and moisturized. Wrap me up at night, and keep me detangled--unless of course you want me to do what comes naturally and loc up on dat azz! lol And please dont compare me to anyone else's hair. Take the time to learn about me...I am more than just a reflection of you. I am original and I feel bad when you ignore what is special about me because it doesnt necessarily 'fit' into what you 'think' is the norm. I am beautiful and I know it...and it hurts me when you see my uniqueness as troublesome or a burden. I am as I am. We have a lot in common you and me...and not just our scalp. We have the same needs and the same hurts. So help me help you. Heal me and heal you. I love you. See you soon--hopefully with some conditioner and comb! Love, Your beautiful head of hair

Not again...

Me leaving my mamas house...on my way to..sigh WORK!

My mama peepin around the corner of her porch: They gone think we Jamaican mon!
Me: Why they gone think that? (knowing damn well what she talking about)
Her: Cuz of our hair.
Me: Well "they" should just think we are black! (irritated to no end!)

Me in the car talking to myself...who the hell is "they"?? And why did you grow your fro...if you're going to wear a wig every day? And why are you trying to put your insecurities about your hair on me? MO-THER!! Sigh! I am much too tired for this!

I have been natural for about 6 or 7 years...and for six or seven years I have had to hear my mom ask questions about my feelings about being nappy. And for 6 or 7 years...I have been happy bein nappy! There have been trials, tribulations, permed hair dreams, insecurities surfaced and surpassed. Ignorant comments, militant assumptions and lots of growth...but thats life right? Sigh...Why?

Check out MRS. Chokkk--Doin her thing!

I am so proud of you and happy for you. Go on girl! Circa 90! lol

Welcome to Blogland...Val!

Visit her here: www.specdark40.blogspot.com