Intimacy and Fear

Intimacy. What is it? I know what it feels like. It feels close, warm and safe to me. It feels lovely, like I am being held and trusted with something sacred and honest. My mind is filled with images of connection and love and sharing and joy, but at the thought of intimacy, my mind is filled with fear, anxiety and I'mma be truthful SHEER TERROR!!

What ifs start to happen. What if I allow someone close to me and they poke my most sensitive parts. What if it hurts too bad? What if I cant keep recovering from the hurt? What if its not just hurting me, what if its DAMAGING me?

What if they mock me, or make fun of me and my humanness? What if they abandon me, or worse yet...reject me for being me. What if I'm not good enough to sustain any real relationships?

With thoughts like these, its a wonder I had any relationships at all! I am exhausted. But its a good exhaustion. God is working on me something serious. No longer is it okay to have an idea, and just let time and excuses push it to the wayside. God is EXPECTING things from me! hahah me??

I said, "Wow, wouldnt it be nice to run a 5K?" His answer, "It is AWESOME! Now what are you going to do to MAKE it happen?"
My actions--found a race that was at least 8 weeks away. I practice calisthetics daily and run 3x per week, per the couch to 5K training program. The race is April 25. I will be there. RUNNING!!

I said, "It would be nice to have my own business where I could work from home, doing something I love and getting to spend more time with my kids, while having more control over our financial future" His response, "It will be GREAT! I have been waiting for you to know that and believe that your dreams are possible for you"
My actions--I completed my business plan, have my business name registered in my county. Getting computer upgraded and am purchasing my final office supplies next weekend. My website information is all typed up, just have to register my domain name and begin building.


I said, "Wouldnt it be lovely to live a life that is customized just for me? To have loving and healthy functioning relationships, rest, fun and adventure, learning and abundance?" His response..."Yes!"
My action. Not waiting for anyone else to give me permission. This is a difficult step, because I believe somehow that i need to pay with a certain amount of struggle and suffering before I deserve to be happy. I feel that I need to 'pay my dues' in order to live a joyfull life. But I have accepted an invitation to go to ATL. with a friend of mine for her birthday in two weeks. I am going to go on a MUCH NEEDED vacation yall! Lord knows I could use it. I intend to heal myself. Let myself relax, recharge and rejuvenate.


Every day there is a person or circumstance that stands out to me, not because of who they are, but because of the gifts they bring to me. Every kind word, or thoughtful observation hides within it a message for my soul. Come forth and live your life! You are the only one that can do it. You are the only one who knows your deepest needs and truest desires. Be not afraid of imagined prosecution. Be not afraid of the 'thoughts' of failure. They have no strength, lest you give them yours. Be not afraid to stand firm on this earth and accept your divine inheritance. There is no glory in playing small. NONE. So, Kill dat! K?

Dead!

Peace