Write It Down, Make IT HAPPEN???

I will be 30 on Sept. 19!!!

Last year in October, my sister and I wrote down a list of things that we wanted to see manifest before our next birthdays. Instead of the normal things that I normally write, that I have to fight myself tooth and nail to accomplish (and never do), I decided to write down things that I REALLY wanted to have happen, but I kinda secretly felt not good enough for. THOSE to me are the things that I want the Universe to help me achieve. Things that I dont believe I can accomplish for myself.

I wrote my list: (This is what I remember off the top of my head)

• Be a successful Momtrepeneur. --Start date Mar. 9, 2009!!! YAAAAAY
• Plan a womans only getaway.
• Throw a FABULOUS get together at my house.
• Go on vacation sans kids.--Happening this weekend!! YAAAAAY
• Get a modeling Gig.--Happening in about 2 months. Got time to tighten a few things up! I get PAID!!! Bonus! I would model for free just to say I've done it! Shhhh!
• Get my hair professionally colored and styled.--Not yet, but I see this before the modeling gig!
• Run a 5k.--April 25th!!! I will be running in Belle Isle Park for the JROTC summer camp program!!!

I am dumbfounded by how effortlessly these things have worked themselves into my life. I mean... a few weeks ago, I was moaning and groaning about how big bad life has fugged me again... Thats not what I said, but its what it sounded like, and here it is... FRESH PERSPECTIVES, new motivations, and a newfound hope. I love it! I do, I do, I do!!!!

Whats GOOD with you?

Intimacy and Fear

Intimacy. What is it? I know what it feels like. It feels close, warm and safe to me. It feels lovely, like I am being held and trusted with something sacred and honest. My mind is filled with images of connection and love and sharing and joy, but at the thought of intimacy, my mind is filled with fear, anxiety and I'mma be truthful SHEER TERROR!!

What ifs start to happen. What if I allow someone close to me and they poke my most sensitive parts. What if it hurts too bad? What if I cant keep recovering from the hurt? What if its not just hurting me, what if its DAMAGING me?

What if they mock me, or make fun of me and my humanness? What if they abandon me, or worse yet...reject me for being me. What if I'm not good enough to sustain any real relationships?

With thoughts like these, its a wonder I had any relationships at all! I am exhausted. But its a good exhaustion. God is working on me something serious. No longer is it okay to have an idea, and just let time and excuses push it to the wayside. God is EXPECTING things from me! hahah me??

I said, "Wow, wouldnt it be nice to run a 5K?" His answer, "It is AWESOME! Now what are you going to do to MAKE it happen?"
My actions--found a race that was at least 8 weeks away. I practice calisthetics daily and run 3x per week, per the couch to 5K training program. The race is April 25. I will be there. RUNNING!!

I said, "It would be nice to have my own business where I could work from home, doing something I love and getting to spend more time with my kids, while having more control over our financial future" His response, "It will be GREAT! I have been waiting for you to know that and believe that your dreams are possible for you"
My actions--I completed my business plan, have my business name registered in my county. Getting computer upgraded and am purchasing my final office supplies next weekend. My website information is all typed up, just have to register my domain name and begin building.


I said, "Wouldnt it be lovely to live a life that is customized just for me? To have loving and healthy functioning relationships, rest, fun and adventure, learning and abundance?" His response..."Yes!"
My action. Not waiting for anyone else to give me permission. This is a difficult step, because I believe somehow that i need to pay with a certain amount of struggle and suffering before I deserve to be happy. I feel that I need to 'pay my dues' in order to live a joyfull life. But I have accepted an invitation to go to ATL. with a friend of mine for her birthday in two weeks. I am going to go on a MUCH NEEDED vacation yall! Lord knows I could use it. I intend to heal myself. Let myself relax, recharge and rejuvenate.


Every day there is a person or circumstance that stands out to me, not because of who they are, but because of the gifts they bring to me. Every kind word, or thoughtful observation hides within it a message for my soul. Come forth and live your life! You are the only one that can do it. You are the only one who knows your deepest needs and truest desires. Be not afraid of imagined prosecution. Be not afraid of the 'thoughts' of failure. They have no strength, lest you give them yours. Be not afraid to stand firm on this earth and accept your divine inheritance. There is no glory in playing small. NONE. So, Kill dat! K?

Dead!

Peace

Random Things...

I took the boys to see Elmo this weekend. Was a hit! My younger son LOVED IT! The dancing, the singing....My eldest loved...THE POPCORN and slush! And apparently the sleep vibe...cuz he was OUT!!

I stepped out finally and accepted a date request...he stood me up! NO CALL, NO SHOW! Doesnt he know that during economic times such as these, you cant just go around ackin how you wanna? Now...he's missed out! Ah well...

Chillens dad, sneaked and called my sis to see who I went to Elmo with...I sure hate she admitted it was her! Nunna his bidness!!!! LMAO!

I appreciate my mom. I worry about our relationship a lot...but I am thankful that she is here and that she helps me with my kids!

My son is forming his own thoughts and opinions now...SHOCKED THE SHIT OUTTA ME! I was zoning out on him saturday night...he shook me and looked me in my eyes..and said, "Mama, turn around...I'm talking to you!"...That woke me up! HAD to listen after that!

Mr. X is trying his best to convince me that he is the one that got away...he wishes my kids were his and he is imagining us all being one big happy family one day soon... if I rid my life of my kids father!!! WHAT IS HE SMOKING???

My neice or nephew is going to be so lucky...thier mom loves them so much already!!!!

My car is still not fixed...of COURSE I need a few more parts! Ah well...temporary things... few more days on the freight wont kill me!

The full moon last night/this morning SPOKE to me!

I still want my family, but I am moving closer to be okay with the possibility that it may never work out the way I dream.

My boys and I ate raw yesterday! I love that they love vegetation so!!!

The best thing in life is the joy coming out of the face of my children! Whatever makes them happy, makes me happy!

I am two more steps closer to becoming a business owner. I got my registration to legally conduct business out of my county last week! YAY!

This is the year that I will become a Momtrepeneur! Such a fab life...I can see it more clearly each and every day! AMEN!

I am learning how to be a better friend, thank you for your patience friends. Its hard for me, but you are SO worth me coming around for. You are great, and I am thankful that you are in my life.

This week is going to be a week of advancement and happiness!

Life is better every day!