Misplaced Myself

Do you ever feel, that you are just NOT in the right space?
This feeling is so pervasive that its making me physically ill. Well it could be that damn rotavirus as well...but I honestly am feeling that there is a change that has happened...and somehow my physical world has not yet adjusted to it. Because I feel VERY uneasy about a lot of things in my life.

I am not LOVING my job like I used to. I am still very proficient at it, but my drive is waning and FAST! I dont want to lose it...because I have my children to think of...but I sure am HATING coming here nowadays. It grates everything soft and pure in me to do so. I am open and rubbed raw by this circumstance.

I am not understanding how to accept love. I know...sit there and take it! But how??? Who doenst understand this? Apparently quite a few of us...


I want...and I need...

I see solutions, silver linings, and good things...but inside me is a brewing pot of something terrible. At the surface, which is the only place I dare scratch...is anger, RAGE EVEN, helplessness, desire for COMPLETE OVERHAUL, pain, abandonment, F.E.A.R, and just a general distaste for all things current.

I need to better get a grip on what I feel...but I cant do that unless I actually FEEL it...and I dont want to feel these things...Cuz letting them lose may make bad things happen.

Today I want to retreat to the safety of my shell until this particular storm passes...
...again.

...only thing about that is...MY shell is not the haven it used to be. Its a really tight fit. I think I should eat less.

Seeing as though this emotional period of my life has me eating nonstop and I gained 6 lbs...QUICKLY!!! wtf?

I am at work, I'd rather be in bed....nursing myself. Holding myself. Comforting myself...Telling myself, it is all a part of the process...and that I am doing fine.

Go ahead, dont let your yesterdays hold any weight on your todays. Its over. You dont have to hurt anymore. You have grown into a lovely young lady. You have a heart that wont stop. That is why you hurt, you are going against all that is real and true. You cant NOT love...You can only try your damndest! It will never work. That is what you are built for. You are built to love HARD. Learn always. And to give of that wellspring. Dont be afraid of being hurt...But dont be so 'strong' that you feel you need to carry every grievance either. Let them go... Let it ALL GO!

You are beautiful, caring, honest. loving, creative, and PERFECT! You are a great mom, and will make a wonderful wife (for some unsuspecting fool! lol at u!) You have a lot inside of you to share... dont give up on yourself...as I will NEVER give up on you. Dont ignore the hurt, but dont dwell either....just let it be....and DO YOU! Be the wonderful you that you already are. Hurt and all...you are still loved beyond what your beautiful mind can measure.