Ramdomly Speaking to (you)

Thanks.
You are right.
I will try.
no...I will DO!
I love you.
Where that will lead? Who knows?
Someone does...
Not me!
Yes I do! And I will.

But...Thanks again.

Your truth is a healing to my soul.
I dont like to disappoint you.
So I will try harder not to.
I havent felt this way about someone ever....
Either you like it or you dont...never really mattered much...

NOW...it does. hmm curious!

You in-spire me to want to be better. I want you to be PROUD of me.
I wish I wanted to change, so that I would be proud of myself...

But, in this case, you will suffice.
Change is change right? Or is it?

Either way. I appreciate the fact that you are a DIRECT answer to an un-uttered prayer. I didnt even know God could go that deeply into my heart. But the fact that YOU are HERE...proves that he can and did! And the response is...

Eternal Gratefullness. YOu make me dream of better, higher, more real, LOVE!!

Finally, I dont have to look at others to understand what it means to have someone truly in your corner. I feel you hear, and I desire so desperately to use that support.

Please bare with me, while I acclimate to your intruding presence. I am used to being alone, fending for myself.

Yes...intruding is the word that I meant to use. *smile*

Shhhh! I like you!

Know better, do better, BE BETTER!

Yah!

Love is Amazing!

Misplaced Myself

Do you ever feel, that you are just NOT in the right space?
This feeling is so pervasive that its making me physically ill. Well it could be that damn rotavirus as well...but I honestly am feeling that there is a change that has happened...and somehow my physical world has not yet adjusted to it. Because I feel VERY uneasy about a lot of things in my life.

I am not LOVING my job like I used to. I am still very proficient at it, but my drive is waning and FAST! I dont want to lose it...because I have my children to think of...but I sure am HATING coming here nowadays. It grates everything soft and pure in me to do so. I am open and rubbed raw by this circumstance.

I am not understanding how to accept love. I know...sit there and take it! But how??? Who doenst understand this? Apparently quite a few of us...


I want...and I need...

I see solutions, silver linings, and good things...but inside me is a brewing pot of something terrible. At the surface, which is the only place I dare scratch...is anger, RAGE EVEN, helplessness, desire for COMPLETE OVERHAUL, pain, abandonment, F.E.A.R, and just a general distaste for all things current.

I need to better get a grip on what I feel...but I cant do that unless I actually FEEL it...and I dont want to feel these things...Cuz letting them lose may make bad things happen.

Today I want to retreat to the safety of my shell until this particular storm passes...
...again.

...only thing about that is...MY shell is not the haven it used to be. Its a really tight fit. I think I should eat less.

Seeing as though this emotional period of my life has me eating nonstop and I gained 6 lbs...QUICKLY!!! wtf?

I am at work, I'd rather be in bed....nursing myself. Holding myself. Comforting myself...Telling myself, it is all a part of the process...and that I am doing fine.

Go ahead, dont let your yesterdays hold any weight on your todays. Its over. You dont have to hurt anymore. You have grown into a lovely young lady. You have a heart that wont stop. That is why you hurt, you are going against all that is real and true. You cant NOT love...You can only try your damndest! It will never work. That is what you are built for. You are built to love HARD. Learn always. And to give of that wellspring. Dont be afraid of being hurt...But dont be so 'strong' that you feel you need to carry every grievance either. Let them go... Let it ALL GO!

You are beautiful, caring, honest. loving, creative, and PERFECT! You are a great mom, and will make a wonderful wife (for some unsuspecting fool! lol at u!) You have a lot inside of you to share... dont give up on yourself...as I will NEVER give up on you. Dont ignore the hurt, but dont dwell either....just let it be....and DO YOU! Be the wonderful you that you already are. Hurt and all...you are still loved beyond what your beautiful mind can measure.

If I were a boy....

Or at the very least if I didnt give a fuck....

Then I could:

• Care less about how people throw their opinions around about me.
• Live my life without cares or conerns about my childrens wherabouts and the such.
• Tell a bitch to SUCK MY DICK if they say something that I dont appreciate.
• Live my life without concern about the future, and how my present choices are shaping it.
• Be' okay' with the fact that some people dont want me to thrive. Even if they are my family.

But luckily for me and my boys...I do give a fuck! And I do care that my "loved ones" especially those closest to me blatantly dont want me to succeed in life. Well, if you asked, of COURSE they would say the contrary...however...your actions speak louder than your words. I wish you the best! But you have just removed yourself from the front row of my life.

I know that its hard right now...but it will be fine. I understand. And I know you do too. We just have to keep the faith, and continue to pray and be supportive.

I dont know how you can fit in right now. LIfe is so heavy. I'm unloading it as we speak...and I love your energy...but... sigh...timing is TERRIBLE!!!

FYI--I know who I am. I know my worth...so when you try and convince me otherwise, it sounds OH SO GREEK to me. It may hurt me...but not because I believe you, but because you have just changed before my eyes. You went from someone who I always thought I would love unconditonally, to someone who I have to handle with a long handled spoon. That ish hurts. But...so be it!

{sometimes i feel my sensitivity is a curse....}

But my sensitivity makes me more aware of the truth...and you know what is said about TRUTH!

Yeah...I believe that too! Thanks for that MAMA! You fuggin rock! You let me know... and I love you for it!