Look what I can do! (Stuart) :) giggle

I thought I was going to be all depressed about the impending MAJOR life changes going on...but as Life would have it, I am actually motivated by them! I am challenged to call on my Best Self and live through her. Here are some of my new happenings.

I wore makeup for the first time yesterday, and me thinks me is HOOKED!!!
I used to weigh 253 lbs. about 8 months ago. I feel like I can say that now, because I am currently 199. I made a vow to myself that when I broke the 200 lb. mark, I would purchase myself some makeup. It had long been a secret dream of mine to really look polished everyday, and so that was the most intimidating thing for me, which is why thats EXACTLY where I wanted to start. Gone are the days when I stand still in fear! Nowadays Im gong straight for my jugular. If I die...oops! If I live...I can say, I knew whatever didnt kill me would make me FABULOUS!!!

Random Stuff

I really thought you were THE ONE-
thats why I stayed so long
My commitment was as deep as I've ever given to anyone
But it wasnt enough when the times got rough
The day that my life got drowned by 'my stuff'


I hurt, but...
You cant understand...
To you, pain is weakness to never be shown
To me, pain is killing me and I'm left to deal alone
My tears make you angry
Reflections that hit too close to home?
Instead of sharing your heart...
You push me away
So I wait patiently, for that 'one day'

The day you will hold me
And tell me 'for life'
The day that you value me enough to make me your wife
The day I can relax and know that you're mine...

Sigh, but thats just a fantasy
With room just for one
Now because of my choices, a statistic I've become

Barely escaping my demons
Grasping wildly for hope
Trying to carry on
But I'm starting to choke

I am not a poet
Just someone going through it right now..

This is not what I planned
This life is not for me
But here I am

So now what?
Two BABIES, two parent, two seperate homes?

I hate this. I hurt so bad...cant keep crying at my desk. What if someone sees?
This is the last place that I have where I actually feel competent. Where I can actually do and say the right thing and be who I am supposed to be. I am not at home in my own home or in my own life for that matter. I dont know where to go from here. I know that many people do it all the time. But can I fly, when I want to die? Can I live...without you? Can I do this?

Fading away....

Its been a while...I am really down, so there's really no reason to post. My relationship is ending and after almost 9 years this is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But its going down...so I'm dealing. My sister hates me! My mother annoys me. My children love me, though. So I have what I need to make it through this. Its just that I am not feeling like blogging. My energy is not happy or optimistic right now. But I know that I will be alright! I will be checkin on yall from time to time.

Love.