How FULL is your life?

This is a question that I am being forced to ponder. I have a pretty full life. I am a woman, a black woman at that. I have a black man. I have two young sons. I work full time. I have housework, grocery duty and the task of being the best me that I can be, so that I can lead my world by example. That sounds pretty daunting to me. Why? Because my world is already small, and all the 'hats' that I have to wear makes it feel even more constricted. I have NO SPACE for myself half the time. When I do decide to 'accept' time for myself, I feel a tinge of guilt. I feel guilty because I work full time and then have the AUDACITY to need time alone. Having a family hasn't changed who I am very much though. I still need time to be alone. With God. With my thoughts, with my soul. I find it hard to feel my own energy when I'm around other people. Always have, so I seek that time. I NEED it!

Anyway, I have been communing a lot lately, about my life. The quality of it and how I would like to change. And the answer I received was GIVE OF YOURSELF. I laughed this off. I dont feel I have much to give. I mean, I give all that I have to my job and family. And occasionally, I give to me, but not very often. The message was repeated and I still played like I didnt understand. So God sent me an angel to explain what it means to give of yourself. I met a guy today who runs a soup kitchen in Detroit. We talked endlessly about the human condition, and about what small things we are so ungrateful for on a daily basis. I thought of how often I appreciate the 'little things' in life and thought smugly to myself, "Thats not me!". But when I thought about it, yes it is! I am stingy. I am stingy with my love, attention, affection and time. The person most affected? Not just my children, my man, my family...but MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I cheat everything and everyone in my life, by not filling my days with what fills my soul. I complain (to myself and God) about the things I dont have, accomplishments I have yet to achieve, personal demons that I need to overcome, but I hardly ever sit in thankfullness for all of the things that I do have. And to actually help those with less than I have, is such a novel idea, but one that I have yet to act upon.

I had to sit down and really re-evaluate what is REALLY important to me. I thought it was having a healthy, happy family. Being a successful business owner. Having a fab home, friends, social calendar. But none of that is as important as being a complete individual (if that makes sense). And I dont really believe that is somethign you can 'think' about for too long, as I have been. Either you act on your inner impulses, or you dont. When you do live from that space, I suspect life is good. When you spend your life thinking about it...not so much. The feeling of not sharing your soul is pain. It comes in many forms: frustration, depression, low self-esteem, poor boundaries, disconnected feeling, but all in all, PAIN sums it up. I am ready to enlarge my territory. It has not served me well to keep my self so closed off from this world.

I am human, after all! Happy Friday!!