Faith feels good...

So I will continue to be faithful. New house, new car, new streams of income, new levels of accuracy in living. On the mark! No sin....BULLSEYE!!!

Yeah...I love the precision of living truthfully from my heart. I love the feeling of being calm and effective in the world.

I love hearing my mind trying to figure out how a and b are going to happen. I love seeing them happen... despite the questions.

I love knowing that you were sent here for a short but nice season. :) Thank you for everything!

I love knowing that when you tell me I cant, that means that YOU cant. I, my dear, MOST DEFINATELY WILL! Just watch. Not proving anything to you. Just letting myself spread out a bit. Own this space that I'm in. Reaching for the proverbial stars and finding myself on the outer edges of this universe. Cuz honestly...I'm much too much to be contained...by your words, assumptions and perceptions of me. I am like my father. I am that I am too! And you are the same! Lets own it together. Lets not fight about it anymore, K?

I love knowing that the picture in my mind, is being created RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!! I can SEE and FEEL it coming into my existence. I see and feel it!!! Amen! Coming back to live feels so good. {Damn! How long was I out? }

The dead pieces are falling away. Being healed by His radiant light. I feel worthy of the blessing. I asked for it. I called it forth...and now...I ACCEPT!

Be thankful for this moment, for this moment is your life! I love that! Yes!

:)

By Sharing His Spirit...

He connected worlds!!!

I will always love you Mike Jackson! I admire the strength of who you are. You did it! You did good! We appreciate all that you shared with us. And we are thankful that you left so much of yourself here. you have touched so many souls...generations!! MY BOYS ADORE YOU! Especially Jeremiah. I am so thankful to have been alive to experience your presence. You are an inspiration, even more so now that you died for it. You prove to me that greatness, and its lasting effects is always worth the cost! All-ways. Thank you. See ya on the other side...

Me

...Que Sara, Sara

I try to make him mine, but
...he is not for me

I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.

There is one for harvesting and for sowing...

I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield

Do I want too much?

When the vision that you hold for your life and your actual life dont add up...

Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??

I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!

I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.

Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.

This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?

No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.

I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.

I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.

Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...

I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...

But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?

I am short on...

Money, Time, Money, Sanity, Peace, Clarity, MUTHA FUGGGIN MONEY!!!! Sigh...

If you knew...you'd feel pity. So usually, I dont share.

So much of my thoughts are here...but some I just cant. I wish I could. because telling them to God hasnt done much...so I need to get them out. But there are just too many people that I know that read this, and I truly dont feel like the questioning eyes, random pleasantries that otherwise would not be extended, and just that feeling... poor you!!

Looking at my sons makes me stronger. Looking at them and wondering if I can do this for us? Makes me feel my failure DEEPLY.

I work (albeit late as hell) every day. And the payoff is not what I need. Do you know what it feels like to not have what you need? Do you know what it feels like to not have what you NEED with two children? Maybe, maybe not. But it doesnt feel good. I am a fighter. I have suffered worse. But sigh... So tired. I smile through it...DAILY! I smile over it and around it, minute by minute.

I.am.tired.

That is all.

Working on making the best out of the rest of this day. Hope you are too! Hope its easier for you too!

I need...still

I need rejuvenation of my mind, body and spirit.
I need my soul to be magnified and expressed purely and potently through my experience of life.
I need this heaviness in my abdominal cavity to be cleansed and released!

I need this brain fog to clear so that I can SEE!

I need for my burdens to be lifted, so that I may move about in the fashion that is most beneficial. I feel stuck. I feel a constipation of spirit, if you will. I know its there. I KNOW IT IS. Cuz it is...but how the hell do you get it to come out??? I need an essence laxative.

My life depends on it. My health depends on it. My sanity (whats left) depends on it.

Whatever this is... me no likey! I need to remove the restrictions, but they are invisible and I just dont know how...

I really could use some life tools. Sigh... cuz its not working... This is why people run from life, because staying here and looking at it...SUCKS! Running doesnt do much either...but I want to scream. I want to cry. But...I cant...my tears wont fall, so they cant dry.