Write It Down, Make IT HAPPEN???

I will be 30 on Sept. 19!!!

Last year in October, my sister and I wrote down a list of things that we wanted to see manifest before our next birthdays. Instead of the normal things that I normally write, that I have to fight myself tooth and nail to accomplish (and never do), I decided to write down things that I REALLY wanted to have happen, but I kinda secretly felt not good enough for. THOSE to me are the things that I want the Universe to help me achieve. Things that I dont believe I can accomplish for myself.

I wrote my list: (This is what I remember off the top of my head)

• Be a successful Momtrepeneur. --Start date Mar. 9, 2009!!! YAAAAAY
• Plan a womans only getaway.
• Throw a FABULOUS get together at my house.
• Go on vacation sans kids.--Happening this weekend!! YAAAAAY
• Get a modeling Gig.--Happening in about 2 months. Got time to tighten a few things up! I get PAID!!! Bonus! I would model for free just to say I've done it! Shhhh!
• Get my hair professionally colored and styled.--Not yet, but I see this before the modeling gig!
• Run a 5k.--April 25th!!! I will be running in Belle Isle Park for the JROTC summer camp program!!!

I am dumbfounded by how effortlessly these things have worked themselves into my life. I mean... a few weeks ago, I was moaning and groaning about how big bad life has fugged me again... Thats not what I said, but its what it sounded like, and here it is... FRESH PERSPECTIVES, new motivations, and a newfound hope. I love it! I do, I do, I do!!!!

Whats GOOD with you?

Intimacy and Fear

Intimacy. What is it? I know what it feels like. It feels close, warm and safe to me. It feels lovely, like I am being held and trusted with something sacred and honest. My mind is filled with images of connection and love and sharing and joy, but at the thought of intimacy, my mind is filled with fear, anxiety and I'mma be truthful SHEER TERROR!!

What ifs start to happen. What if I allow someone close to me and they poke my most sensitive parts. What if it hurts too bad? What if I cant keep recovering from the hurt? What if its not just hurting me, what if its DAMAGING me?

What if they mock me, or make fun of me and my humanness? What if they abandon me, or worse yet...reject me for being me. What if I'm not good enough to sustain any real relationships?

With thoughts like these, its a wonder I had any relationships at all! I am exhausted. But its a good exhaustion. God is working on me something serious. No longer is it okay to have an idea, and just let time and excuses push it to the wayside. God is EXPECTING things from me! hahah me??

I said, "Wow, wouldnt it be nice to run a 5K?" His answer, "It is AWESOME! Now what are you going to do to MAKE it happen?"
My actions--found a race that was at least 8 weeks away. I practice calisthetics daily and run 3x per week, per the couch to 5K training program. The race is April 25. I will be there. RUNNING!!

I said, "It would be nice to have my own business where I could work from home, doing something I love and getting to spend more time with my kids, while having more control over our financial future" His response, "It will be GREAT! I have been waiting for you to know that and believe that your dreams are possible for you"
My actions--I completed my business plan, have my business name registered in my county. Getting computer upgraded and am purchasing my final office supplies next weekend. My website information is all typed up, just have to register my domain name and begin building.


I said, "Wouldnt it be lovely to live a life that is customized just for me? To have loving and healthy functioning relationships, rest, fun and adventure, learning and abundance?" His response..."Yes!"
My action. Not waiting for anyone else to give me permission. This is a difficult step, because I believe somehow that i need to pay with a certain amount of struggle and suffering before I deserve to be happy. I feel that I need to 'pay my dues' in order to live a joyfull life. But I have accepted an invitation to go to ATL. with a friend of mine for her birthday in two weeks. I am going to go on a MUCH NEEDED vacation yall! Lord knows I could use it. I intend to heal myself. Let myself relax, recharge and rejuvenate.


Every day there is a person or circumstance that stands out to me, not because of who they are, but because of the gifts they bring to me. Every kind word, or thoughtful observation hides within it a message for my soul. Come forth and live your life! You are the only one that can do it. You are the only one who knows your deepest needs and truest desires. Be not afraid of imagined prosecution. Be not afraid of the 'thoughts' of failure. They have no strength, lest you give them yours. Be not afraid to stand firm on this earth and accept your divine inheritance. There is no glory in playing small. NONE. So, Kill dat! K?

Dead!

Peace

Random Things...

I took the boys to see Elmo this weekend. Was a hit! My younger son LOVED IT! The dancing, the singing....My eldest loved...THE POPCORN and slush! And apparently the sleep vibe...cuz he was OUT!!

I stepped out finally and accepted a date request...he stood me up! NO CALL, NO SHOW! Doesnt he know that during economic times such as these, you cant just go around ackin how you wanna? Now...he's missed out! Ah well...

Chillens dad, sneaked and called my sis to see who I went to Elmo with...I sure hate she admitted it was her! Nunna his bidness!!!! LMAO!

I appreciate my mom. I worry about our relationship a lot...but I am thankful that she is here and that she helps me with my kids!

My son is forming his own thoughts and opinions now...SHOCKED THE SHIT OUTTA ME! I was zoning out on him saturday night...he shook me and looked me in my eyes..and said, "Mama, turn around...I'm talking to you!"...That woke me up! HAD to listen after that!

Mr. X is trying his best to convince me that he is the one that got away...he wishes my kids were his and he is imagining us all being one big happy family one day soon... if I rid my life of my kids father!!! WHAT IS HE SMOKING???

My neice or nephew is going to be so lucky...thier mom loves them so much already!!!!

My car is still not fixed...of COURSE I need a few more parts! Ah well...temporary things... few more days on the freight wont kill me!

The full moon last night/this morning SPOKE to me!

I still want my family, but I am moving closer to be okay with the possibility that it may never work out the way I dream.

My boys and I ate raw yesterday! I love that they love vegetation so!!!

The best thing in life is the joy coming out of the face of my children! Whatever makes them happy, makes me happy!

I am two more steps closer to becoming a business owner. I got my registration to legally conduct business out of my county last week! YAY!

This is the year that I will become a Momtrepeneur! Such a fab life...I can see it more clearly each and every day! AMEN!

I am learning how to be a better friend, thank you for your patience friends. Its hard for me, but you are SO worth me coming around for. You are great, and I am thankful that you are in my life.

This week is going to be a week of advancement and happiness!

Life is better every day!

Round and Round

I have a startling realization. I have been dreaming of the same accomplishments for at least 4 years. During this transitional time in life, I am being led to get to the root of a lot of my issues. For the current moment that means purging and cleansing. I was going through some notebooks and realized that my goals are EXACTLY the same as they were FOUR years ago.

In my right mind...they are not so huge that they should have taken this long. Basically most of my entries were about how I wanted excellent health, healthy finances, lots of love, an active and satizfying social life, a beautiful appearance, warm and inviting home, real frienship, confidence, creative outlets, and entrepeneurship.

Each notebook was full of variations of this. Then sidenotes from God or my angels, or just the part of me that KNOWS that I can be, do and have anything that I set my mind to, would offer me encouragment, inspiration and LOVE..in the form of GO FOR IT!

Yet years later...here I am. More responsiblity, more emotional and mental weight...and the EXACT same goals. Why? I asked myself...and the answer came to me last night during a conversation with my neighbor.

There are a few 'things' necessary for success and accomplishments of anything. And those things make me have a physical reaction so strong that it became BLATANTLY apparent what the problem was.

The reasons were not not, as I previously assumed, that i wasnt good enough...or worthy of a happy life.
It is not because I did some ill ish in the past and this is payback.
Its not because I am just not smart, cute, confident, open...[insert any other self perceived flaw here]...


its simple...I dont plan to achieve my goals...I 'hope' to.

Hope is a sticky thing for me. I am a believer that if a dream is placed in your heart, then it truly is already yours. So why dont i have mine God?

The answer:

Because you dont intend to have it. Because if I did...I would plan for it. I would prepare my life for it. Thats what people do when they know that something is coming into their lives. Just like when I knew my children were on their way. There were preparations that were made. Thing to buy, think about , learn....but somehow that doesnt automatically translate into other areas of my life.

I want to lose weight! What is the plan? uh.... eat better, work out more...
That is NOT a plan. That is a vague and grossly underestimated phrase that describes the basic premise of what needs to be done. Thankfully, God gave me (and all of us) the ability of self awareness...so that while I know that is the basis, I also know that I have issues with portion sizes, binge emotional eating, and late night snacking. KNOWING this opens up the space for me to make a (sharp inhale)..PLAN!!

I want to be a WAHM! whats the plan? open my own business
That is not a plan, that it the solution, but the PLAN...needs to be specific, step by step INTENTIONS that measures your progress.

As smart as I think I am...this concept is like Swahili to me. I've heard of it. It may be nice to know...but I just cant get behind it! WTF?

I REALLY am my biggest sabateur... Now its like...what now?

PLAN to be your biggest motivator!
Plan to achieve what you see in your mind.
Noone else can imagine, work towards or achieve my goals for my life. Oh how I wish they could...

My name means responsible leader.... God help me to live up to my names sake. I do NOT want to read my journals in 2011, and still be wanting basic things, that are easily within my reach. I am too good for that! I know too much, our relationship it TOO tight, my resources are TOO abundant, I have TOO much potential to continue to play myself out like I am cheap AND on the clearance rack! Help me to love me enough to push through the irrelevant thoughts in my mind that tells me, "you cant do that!", "who do you think you are?", "thats unrealistic...for you"
"you'll never be on that level" "Why try? you will just fail and be embarrassed for even thinking you deserved to be happy" SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP!!!! I HATE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO ME!!!!

I must hate me, cuz they are me.

And then I go to other places, where the people seem genuinely happy and at ease in their lives. They have lives, that are true and authentic and unique to them and they are fed and renewed by their lives. And I LOVE them for showing me what it looks like, but I feel so much envy...because I just dont think I will ever be that way... I say I do... I act like I believe that (Hey! fake it til you make it right?) But...alas the truth remains the same... I dont believe that love is in store for me. I dont believe success is in store for me. I dont believe that there will ever be a time where I will be anywhere near at ease. I expect stress, hurt, and lack. And by the Laws invested in the Universe...that is what I receive. I know its not a coincidence... I believe in the Law. How do I change my beliefs? How do I go deep into my heart and change whats there? HOW (method wise) does one truly change from lack to abundnce consciousness.

I do affirmations. I pray, I meditate, I attempt forgiveness, I give, I encourage others to reach for the stars... but....

Fuuuuuuuckkkkk! Why cant i just snap the fuck out of this and get it TOGETHER??!!!!

Questions

Will it always hurt so bad?

Will I ever be able to look at you and not feel failure and rejection?

Will I ever smile, and be thankful about how things worked out?

Will you ever come and tell me that you love me? And I feel it?

Will I ever be able to stop telling myself "Its okay"....?

Does the pain ever lessen or will it continue to hide for weeks at a time, only to resurface at the strangest, most embarrassing moments?

Do you miss 'us' as much as I do?

Will my children blame me?

Will anyone ever be able to love me?

Can I stop crying now?

Why cant I just 'get over it' like you have?

Why does heartache feel so 'personal'...I know its not...but I feel that I am the only one who feels this way?

Why does the thought of being a part of your past...tear my heart to shreds?

Why am I still here? Its been MONTHS!!!

Whats real?

Life has slapped the shit out of me. THANK GOD its gone! I am currently facing many criseees at all once...but ya know what? I asked God to reveal Himself... and I guess at a time where you have two small children in the dead of winter, probable eviction, car died, job an hour away... 3 busses, -30 degrees.... and you simply wake up early and do whatcha gotta do. No stuttering or stalling. THATS WHATS REAL! I keep getting all these inspirational thoughts and wishes from people who are AMAZED that I catch the bus to work!! Keep my head up, they say. Uh....yeah! Where else am I gonna keep it? Keelah is a bit heavy on the drama sometimes....and thats just cuz I'm passionate about shit and drama being a part of life is no different... Sometimes it gets the best of my mind...but never me. I KNOW! I know that when times seem the toughtest, its not a time to fall (all the way) apart. (carefully ignoring my last post) Its time to get quiet...cuz BELIEVE there is a helluva lesson involved. Sometimes, I need to sit back and accept kind words, and thoughts from loved ones. sometimes I need to understand that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I need to learn that if it is to be...then its up to me. Depending on the situation...I adjust and act accordingly. I love connection, because I can 'feel' which way to lean...and let it do what it do. I am thankful that somehow arrangements are being met to keep our place. My car will be fixed soon, but for the time being, I get to meet some very nice and interesting people on the bus. God has sent me quite a few lovely souls to accompany me on my journies. I get to save money on gas, and just get in a few more steps to my day!! I get help from my family in keeping my kids and they get to spend quality time with grandma, who despite my feelings...is a great disciplinarian and teacher. My son actually respects time outs now. Whooda thunk it? Time out? WTH? I get to feel that accomplishment of doing what I need to BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY! I need that sometimes. And in this process, I relearned that productivity can be as good a feeling as relaxation. Still trying to integrate that one into practical living! My mind resists that notion something fierce! But the fact that I KNOW...THATS REAL!

And in the spirit of changes and changing... CONGRATS TO AMERICA! Happy Innauguration day, ALL! Its a great day to be free!

If I didnt have the WORLDS BEST KIDS....

I would want to die RIGHT NOW!

Have you ever been so unhappy that you just wanted life to end, so that your soul could be free? Maybe I could live another life, in a another universe. And in that universe...I'm okay, just the way I am.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I do. I KNOW this. But I cannot lie, even after looking at all these things, this terrible unhappiness is doing me in. I just dont feel like living much anymore. Usually being at work intensifies these feelings. Not that I dont like what I do...but because I dont want to do it right now. Does that make any sense. My job is fulfilling in a lot of ways... but my soul is just so restless playing small. Yet, I'm terrified of revealing my true nature. I'm so tired of being afraid, but I cant shake this feeling. This monkey on my back is gaining weight. I am not getting stronger carrying all these burdens...I am being worn down. I have visions of a happy life, a fulfilling life, a truly blessed life. And in some ways, I honestly do believe that it can be mine...but will it? In my heart, I dont believe it.

I believe that I am destined to do what I think others expect of me... be a burdened broke down single mom. Eventually running from man to man, searching for the love that little girl Keelah never got from Daddy. Trying to be all that mama tried to make her be. Trying not to repeat the past, but living the predestined role without opportunity for change.

I either starve my sorrows, or compulsively feed them.

I either ignore them, or chief and listen to them.

I know who I am...but I cant live it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged...how can I fix it? Is it even possible?

I'm good people, I know it! But I'm so afraid. Of life, of love, of success, of failure. I am LITERALLY scared to breathe!!! (I hold my breath MOST of the time)

I feel like I am suffocating in this life! Literally unable to function... I want to go lay down under the covers and cry til I cant cry anymore.... but I cant even do that right!

I need an epidural...removal of all pain... I'm tired of being hurt... I'm just so, so tired.

My sons deserve better than this... but I am not better than this...and I'm all they've got!

I need a shot of faith...in the vein. I am dying today.... but the tragic part is...I will probably live until tomorrow...to suffer all over again. But if God is so gracious as to take my spirit from this wretched existence...then will my sons even know how very deeply I love them? How I pray so deeply that my love for them is enough... How I pray every night to wake up different. For them. To feel that I deserve them.

But...alas...I woke up, (late again) still this FUCKED UP MESS! God...why are you not ending this misery??? Why? If you love me so much...why not just KILL ME NOW!!!?????

I cant do this for much longer...I.just...cant!