Look what I can do! (Stuart) :) giggle

I thought I was going to be all depressed about the impending MAJOR life changes going on...but as Life would have it, I am actually motivated by them! I am challenged to call on my Best Self and live through her. Here are some of my new happenings.

I wore makeup for the first time yesterday, and me thinks me is HOOKED!!!
I used to weigh 253 lbs. about 8 months ago. I feel like I can say that now, because I am currently 199. I made a vow to myself that when I broke the 200 lb. mark, I would purchase myself some makeup. It had long been a secret dream of mine to really look polished everyday, and so that was the most intimidating thing for me, which is why thats EXACTLY where I wanted to start. Gone are the days when I stand still in fear! Nowadays Im gong straight for my jugular. If I die...oops! If I live...I can say, I knew whatever didnt kill me would make me FABULOUS!!!

Random Stuff

I really thought you were THE ONE-
thats why I stayed so long
My commitment was as deep as I've ever given to anyone
But it wasnt enough when the times got rough
The day that my life got drowned by 'my stuff'


I hurt, but...
You cant understand...
To you, pain is weakness to never be shown
To me, pain is killing me and I'm left to deal alone
My tears make you angry
Reflections that hit too close to home?
Instead of sharing your heart...
You push me away
So I wait patiently, for that 'one day'

The day you will hold me
And tell me 'for life'
The day that you value me enough to make me your wife
The day I can relax and know that you're mine...

Sigh, but thats just a fantasy
With room just for one
Now because of my choices, a statistic I've become

Barely escaping my demons
Grasping wildly for hope
Trying to carry on
But I'm starting to choke

I am not a poet
Just someone going through it right now..

This is not what I planned
This life is not for me
But here I am

So now what?
Two BABIES, two parent, two seperate homes?

I hate this. I hurt so bad...cant keep crying at my desk. What if someone sees?
This is the last place that I have where I actually feel competent. Where I can actually do and say the right thing and be who I am supposed to be. I am not at home in my own home or in my own life for that matter. I dont know where to go from here. I know that many people do it all the time. But can I fly, when I want to die? Can I live...without you? Can I do this?

Fading away....

Its been a while...I am really down, so there's really no reason to post. My relationship is ending and after almost 9 years this is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But its going down...so I'm dealing. My sister hates me! My mother annoys me. My children love me, though. So I have what I need to make it through this. Its just that I am not feeling like blogging. My energy is not happy or optimistic right now. But I know that I will be alright! I will be checkin on yall from time to time.

Love.

Wifely Duties

I remember reading this article from a Popular Magazine from the 50's and it described what a good wife is/does. http://http://www.romanceopedia.com/E-TheGoodWife.html When I first came across this article, I was about 21 years old, and I was NOT feeling it at ALL! I mean, "who is this puritan?", I wondered. However at 28, I feel completely different. I noticed this change yesterday. When I scanned my room, before my man got home from his second job. I thought to myself..."What do I want the atmosphere that he comes home to to be like?" I was disconcerted by this thought process, because this is NOT like me. I want a cozy home, that is no secret...but I never wanted it for him, I wanted it for me. However creating an environment for my man after work was my focus yesterday. I made sure dinner was ready, home clean and welcoming and relaxing. The children were bathed and pj'd up! The beds were made. Dishes were washed. And I was cute! Which is not my normal mode for cleaning the house. But it is now. Being cute made cleaning even MORE FUN!!! [Is there anything that being cute doesn't enhance?] Now mind you, these are things that I try and do normally, but it was my motivation that was different. I realized yesterday that I want to be a 'wife'. Not just last name, piece of paper wife, but a wife in the most complete spiritual meaning of the word. I want to be a sorceress that creates an environment for my family that is soothing, stimulating, beautiful and functional. I want to do that. I want for my husband to acknowledge the work that I do for him. For our family. I want him to appreciate my presence in his life, not just as a partner, or the mother of his children, but as a WOMAN. A woman in the fullest sense of the word. A self-actualized, free woman. A beautiful bearer of life, woman. The one who creates a home, and makes it righteous. A matriarch. The TRUTH.

I am loving how my world is expanding. One day, I picture myself being this fiercly independent woman who doesnt need a man to validate her, and all this other B.S. that I told myself. Deep inside in the recesses of my heart, I know I still dont need that validation. But I do want it. I do desire to please my husband. I desire for him to benefit from the depths of my feminine wisdom. I desire that same things for my sons. I desire for them to look back at life with me and consider themselves blessed, as I do when I do what I do for them. I love being a servant for my family. Weird wording, but I do. I love the feeling of them feeling comfortable and taken care of. I am beginning to find satisfaction in 'catering' more than I would have imagined is possible. And this is just the beginning! How exciting right??!!??

I am Wakeelah Everfield, and I want to be the WORLD'S GREATEST WIFE AND MOTHER!! Hows that for a proclamation! (sp) Now that I have that off my chest...I can breathe easy. No more lying to myself. I dont want domestic partnership, I want marriage.

Why does vomit taste so bad?

I was just pondering why upchuck has to hurt, be violent, AND taste bad on top of that. Ever since the parting in my depression, I have been existing on two levels, it seems. One part is still heavy and weary, and surrounding that part of me is hope and knowlege that things are indeed improving. So I am learning what it truly means to maintain faith. The only thing is, as life is clearing things to make way for better things...it feels pretty bad sometimes. And I am finding it not yet an automatic response to relax and let God do his thing. My car is dying. The one car that we have...When it became apparent to me, I freaked out!!! My man has three jobs, last month he had none...today he has THREE! And I work 20 miles from home. I am thinking, what are we going to do? I dont want a car note. Been there, done that. Not prepared to do it again, we need childcare for two infants, and gas is $4.00 a gallon, and he needs a truck? WTF? And while I'm spewing negativity left and right...complaining about how hard it is to live in the 'meantime'. My man is looking at me in disbelief. "Who are you?", he asks me. While I feel that life is falling apart, he feels it is finally coming together. And things are sometimes uncomfortable when forces are being rearranged. What the? When did he get all Guru on me? haha Of course he is right, and I am just trippin'! How did I get in this place? Where am I? Its so unfamiliar here...and scary, but this is life! LIfe is clearing out all the old garbage. Car is breaking down, phone is messing up, I am being held accountable for things that never used to register on my radar. I am having bouts of emotional upheavals, hopelessness, despair, fear, optimism, love, elation, joy, pride. I am excited about the postive side, but I am literally sick with the 'other' side. I dont like to feel bad things...but they are there. Ugh. Upchuck sucks!

Bitter but SWEET news!

Due to that awful cold I sported last week, I am down to 203!! I am about to get out of the 200's. Lawd! I am so excited! That is 50 LBS...GONE!!! Yep, I'm counting these sick ones. And the ones that were baby! So what...sue me! I havent been under 200 lbs in about 3 years. And even before then, me and 195 were inseperable. I am finally no longer considered obese and my goal is by the time I turn 29, on Sept. 19th, I will be at a normal and healthy weight! Being sick, but still being a mom and having ish to do gave me a hands-on-lesson about the MUST of taking VERY GOOD care of myself. And I shall! :) Have a great week all!

I actually have to go to a tailor and get my clothes altered! Like...this was unimaginable to me! I am getting my clothes taken IN!! AAAAAAHHHHHH! The impossible is possible. Prayer WORKS! :)

New terrain

I bought two skirts on Tuesday! I have been challenged to wear one before next Friday. Will I do it?? Stay tuned! :)