Need

I am feeling heavy lately. My insides feel like they weigh a TON! I know that I can alleviate this by just TALKING to my man about how I feel. But that is really proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined. I am going to mess around and have an anxiety attack from all of the feelings that I am trying to stifle. I can feel myself literally moving things around to not show myself. Its hard work. But honestly, its the way I do things. For most of my life. I dont like uncomfortable feelings, so I usually try to convince myself that I'm not having them. Only this time...its not working so well. They are there. They are with me when I awake, as I work, on my commute, when I talk to others, and even infiltrating my dreams. My true feelings are there...threatening to expose my heart and ruin the hard and 'controlled' exterior that I have tried to create for myself. I am afraid. I am afraid because for the first time in my life..I NEED - And I cant hide it. I cant talk my way out of it...cant make believe that I dont. There is something inside of me that I cannot deny. And my inability to hide it...makes me feel weak. I dont want this. This cannot be...but it is. And that scared me. I feel like I am unraveling at the seams. I am losing my friggin mind! My heart is closed. And I feel it opening...and that scares me. Because along with loving fully...I will be fully exposed. Naked. Open to be......touched. And I'm not sure thats what I want. I want to be embraced...but not held. Felt, but not touched. Loved, but not open. And I know that these are impossibities, one cannot exist without the other...but what am I to do? Fear has me frozen. For the first time in a long time...my need for love...is much larger than my fear of it. And I dont know how to let go...and just embrace the emergence of need. What do I do with it? Do I stomp the ground trying to satisfy it...or is it enough just to admit, the hardest thing that I have ever had to admit...I, Wakeelah...need.

Adjustments...

My man doesnt live in Michigan...with me and our son. He currently resides in New Orleans. We have had two week long visits with him in the last 2 months. He calls me every day. Sends me and My-mi lots of love and sweet words. He sends a nice amount of moola every two weeks or so. Sometimes more frequently...never less. He is trying to do what he feels if fiscally best for our growing family.

I am pregnant. I am working. I do not like to work. It was under the assumption that when he made enough to cover our living expenses and after the baby in my belly is born, that I would not work. We would all move to Mississippi and blah, blah, blah...Happily ever after!

Well since the original plan, I have decided that moving south is not going to happen right now. Mainly because my family is here...and they are in love with my child. They help me a lot and I dont want to be seperated from them especially while my children are young. They deserve to have their grandparents in their life. My parents are the only ones they have. Besides...after living there for two months...he KNOWS it is not a place where he wants to live. Or raise our family. He is city to the bone!

Now...the dilemna...while he is away...I am adjusting...as any creature that you put in any environment will eventually do. I am adjusting to living a life without him. Where I was once in despair about not seeing him every day, I am becoming 'comfortable' with our daily phone calls. Where I was in agony over being in a single parent situation, I am becoming 'comfortable' doing all that needs to be done. Where I was once devastated by going through this pregnancy alone, I am finding solace in the love of my child and the growth of the one in my belly. I mean...did yall hear...I even kill bugs now! BIG ONES. I am scared. I am scared that he is being phased out of my life. I dont want to believe this...but this is my experience. I dont even talk much about it...because the indifference is scary. When he first left it was so hard...I didnt tell him how much I missed him because I didnt want to be viewed as unsupportive, however now I mention every day...that he needs to COME HOME. Not so much because I miss him, but I fear if he doesnt come home and reclaim his space in my life...that it may no longer be there waiting for him. I have not told him this...because honestly, I dont know how. How do you say, " I know you've not been gone that long, and you're doing this for us...but this space is not healthy for us...and yeah we have two kids...but...." See I dont even know HOW to do that. I.dont.know. Our connection is not feeling very strong right now. When he calls me before I go to bed...or leaves a message because I'm already out...I feel so conflicted. I want to tell him how I feel...but I fear what is on the other side of this conversation...I am such a big PUNK! This is life. Raw as it gets for me. This is one of the most REAL situations I have been in. And I'm not dropping the ball...I'm just not doing anything else with it either. Sigh. I guess now would be a good time to pray.

Big azz bug(s)!!!!

So...I go to the bathroom a lot right. TMI? Maybe...but true. So I usually dont acutally LOOK! Cuz its pretty autopilot at this point. Well yesterday...I am about to leave my bathroom and I look down...and to my surprise...what do I see? Well I dont know...but I think it was a friggin cricket or something. It was the BIGGEST BUG I have EVER SEEN INDOORS!! MAYBE EVER!!! The fear gripped my throat, and chest...it was SOOO ugly! Did I mention it was SOOO BIG??? Now normally this is where my high pitched scream comes into play, so that my man will come and scream at me for screaming, while he handles the situation...but...he's in friggin...LOU-EEZ-I-ANA!!! Anger...So I dont know what to do....I dont want any of MY SHOES touching this thing. I'm scared to spray Tilex on it (which was my first thought) What if it can fly? I am going to freak out. Then I hear my son...and out of nowhere...I get courage to KILL, KILL, KILL! I smushed the shit out of it while screaming obscenities at it! Talking about hard to kill. I was so proud of myself...but now I'm wondering how the hell something that big just happened up in my house! Now I'm worried. I wrap the bug in some old stretch pants and throw them away...I secretly call myself the Terminator! I look at Jeremiah, like "Mommy just saved you...and you dont even know it...but you're welcome!" Yeah...I'm the ish!

fast forward 30 minutes...I am going in the kitchen to make My-Mi some milk milk, and mama some Kool-aid! (and yes I know kool aid is garbage) and I hear a chirp. Now its late and I do have the window cracked...but that ish sounded too close. I look in the trash...and who is there..but a-NOTHER damn cricket thing! Its just chillin...lookin at me..like you thought you did something huh? I'm terrified. Dont know if its the same one...or a NEW one. Dont have time to figure it out. I try and smash it with a pizza box. No dice! So after a few minutes of sheer panic, I pour some bleach on it...and then stab it with the broom--REPEATEDLY. I closed the bag and took it out immediately. Praying that it woudl not crawl out of the hole onto my hand...or that it wasnt sending out warning signals in bug...and I would be ambushed by a whole lot of them.

As soon as I got back in the house...I check all the screens with the open windows...no holes. So how did they get in. I am very paranoid now. I HATE BUGS. And I have no idea how they got in!!!

Dear God...what on Your green earth is going on???? If the lesson is to learn courage....then hopefully I passed this test. I would hate to have to move. But I cant deal with this. You KNOW me, better than anyone else. Me no do bugs...so either please keep them out...or make a way for me to move. Thank you. Love.

Keelah

TEN years!!!!!

I am debating on whether or not to attend my 10 year high school reunion. I cannot believe it has been 10 years! TEN! Wow. Last night I went through my yearbook, reminiscing...but honeslty dont have a lot of high school memories...as I was never allowed to DO anything...but I'm working on letting the past go! :) Anyway...I went on myspace just to see what everybody is up to...I was FLOORED by the fact that most people have CHILDREN...like big elementary school children. Like 3rd and 4th graders...at least!! Am I going to go? hmmm...we'll see! But I am doubtful.

Mood: Kinda sad...depressingly nostalgic...wanting to smack someone that keeps working my nerves!

Appetite: Starving, as usual.

Outlook: Not too good. Dont know what my deal is today.

We still cool right?

So this is the deal...I hold a lot in. Well I used to...cuz lately with the heightened sensitivity and all, I notice just how much it takes to sugarcoat things...or try and pretend that things are okay when they are not. I always thought that was a symbol of maturity to deal with life's seeming injustices with a (forced smile)...but lately, I'm just seeing things in a different light. I am very tactful. Its something I pride myself on...A lot of times If I cant find a "light" enough way to say something, I just hold it in. Causing myself, (and now conseqently my child) a lot of anguish. FUCK THAT! I am not going to allow anyone in this world to think they can say or do whatever the fuck they want to...and I will just DEAL! What the hell was I thinking? And the problem is...People EXPECT for me to show up the same way I always have...and that girl is GONE! I am not going to be persuaded to think like the majority! I am not going to feel bad for being who I am. Actually its all good. Because the more honest I am to me...the more honest I can be with my entire world. And the more honest everyone can be with me. My relationships are improving, my attitude seems worse...but thats only cuz I'm facing a lot of oppostion for speaking my mind. Its like some people think I should consider the feelings of everyone else...then me. Ha ha! Not in MY LIFE! In my life...MY shit comes first! The end. I am not going to inconvenience myself so that you feel more comfortable around me. What the fuck kinda shit is that??? If you can't handle me as I am...then whose problem is that? Mine? Sheeeeeyiiid!!!! AAAANNNNNT! Wrong answer...moving right along...la la la!

To my unborn son

I swell with pride and joy and thankfullness as your life expands inside of me. The fear that was there has been replaced with such a profound gratefulness. I am expectant. Your every move STOPS TIME. I dont understand...but I am thankfull. Deeply. I woke up early this morning...before light shone. Just when the crickets began their song. It was just me, you and the morning. You kicked and punched me...and spiraled about...I.just.was. I sat still and relaxed as I could be...as you awakened with the earth. It was a very magical moment. And we shared it...just us two. Thank you baby...for choosing us. Thank you baby...for choosing me. Thank you for all of the joy, blessings, learnings, and TRUTH that you will inevitably bring to this life of mine. Mama loves you. Always and eternally.

Mama's Wittle Man

This is my son...6 months ago! (time to take some more huh?) I love you, Jeremiah!