Update

I just got a call. The new tenant that has brought all of the drama, is being evicted TODAY! Nice and easy solution to the problem. Does it help me feel more safe? We'll see...

Still perusing housing ads.

I havent blogged. I havent had much to say. I have had some good days, I have had some bad days. Lately... My mood has been better, but my life has been worse. Go figure!

Long story short...the wonderful, beautiful, affordable place close to my job that was my absolute DREAM for a start over for my boys and I is a BUST! Its all of the above still...but VERY UNSAFE. Now...on a non-existent budget, I have to move us again. Sigh*

I was hoping to not move in the winter anymore...but too many thugs, too many crackbitches, too many police incidents, too many jokahs trying to 'get wit me' and 'kick.it.with.my children' to get close to me....TOO MUCH!

Too many lost keys, too many 'strange' occurences...I really think someone was IN OUR SPACE yesterday. IN MY SPACE!!! I hurt. I havent slept well in about 2 months, I am running on the bare minimum...and I dont know what to do. Only thing I know for sure, is that we must move, and we must do so soon.

If anyone still visits, please assist me in affirming our new beautiful, affordable, centrally located, safe and FABULOUS new place!! I do believe there is power in numbers!

I feel gloomy, and down...thats not my intent.

My children and I have a wonderful relationship. This motherhood thing is quite nice!
My familly and I are gelling better...still must call my cousin. Sigh* I love you girl!
My childrens father and I relationship is EXCELLENT! I think we should write a book on how to avoid baby mama/daddy drama. Chapter 1: Dont EVER refer to each other as baby daddy and mama. (digressing)
My new friend and I are both making moves seperately and together and its wonderful. I enjoy him much! His soul was sent here to soothe me. He does it well! ;) Aye papi!
Eating habits are changing... lost a few lbs.
Oh yeah...I have a job!

Good things are happening, but when your safety and piece of mind feels threatened...it kinda overshadows everything else. I try and think of my business, my social life, my APPEARANCE, my LIFE!!! but when I start to think on these things, I have to snap my ass right back to reality. Chick...you are not SAFE!! It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that your children are safe...So...here we go again.... I know the next place will work out, and be better than this one, because at this point in life, I can only make lateral moves...but geez!!! Welp! Here we go!

Have a fab day!

Good Life

We moved. We love. We left some things behind. And we are eagerly anticipating moving forward with clarity, strength, spiritual honesty and LIFE!!! My family is in such a better place...because mommy finally had the faith and motivation to make the 'tough' decisions. I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for what is right and just. I am proud of myself to pray with all that I am to release my past and step BOLDLY into the NOW! I am so proud and excited to live the life that I often times dreamed, but never dared reach for. Each day is a new day...and no matter what, I will find a reason to smile and be grateful in EACH AND EVERY ONE! There are too many little things to be thankful for... so I will just extend the most sincere and complete THANK YOU GOD...that I have ever uttered. Because only you know what this truly means . I thank you in advance for your plans for my life. Cuz I know they are the ish! I look forward to living for you for the rest of my life. I cant serve two masters...and self - serving did NOT work out very well for me. Thank you for clarity. Thank you for connection. Thank you for love and support. Thank you for miracles. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my life. Thank you for me being me! I SO ROCK!!!! You do too!

Faith feels good...

So I will continue to be faithful. New house, new car, new streams of income, new levels of accuracy in living. On the mark! No sin....BULLSEYE!!!

Yeah...I love the precision of living truthfully from my heart. I love the feeling of being calm and effective in the world.

I love hearing my mind trying to figure out how a and b are going to happen. I love seeing them happen... despite the questions.

I love knowing that you were sent here for a short but nice season. :) Thank you for everything!

I love knowing that when you tell me I cant, that means that YOU cant. I, my dear, MOST DEFINATELY WILL! Just watch. Not proving anything to you. Just letting myself spread out a bit. Own this space that I'm in. Reaching for the proverbial stars and finding myself on the outer edges of this universe. Cuz honestly...I'm much too much to be contained...by your words, assumptions and perceptions of me. I am like my father. I am that I am too! And you are the same! Lets own it together. Lets not fight about it anymore, K?

I love knowing that the picture in my mind, is being created RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!! I can SEE and FEEL it coming into my existence. I see and feel it!!! Amen! Coming back to live feels so good. {Damn! How long was I out? }

The dead pieces are falling away. Being healed by His radiant light. I feel worthy of the blessing. I asked for it. I called it forth...and now...I ACCEPT!

Be thankful for this moment, for this moment is your life! I love that! Yes!

:)

By Sharing His Spirit...

He connected worlds!!!

I will always love you Mike Jackson! I admire the strength of who you are. You did it! You did good! We appreciate all that you shared with us. And we are thankful that you left so much of yourself here. you have touched so many souls...generations!! MY BOYS ADORE YOU! Especially Jeremiah. I am so thankful to have been alive to experience your presence. You are an inspiration, even more so now that you died for it. You prove to me that greatness, and its lasting effects is always worth the cost! All-ways. Thank you. See ya on the other side...

Me

...Que Sara, Sara

I try to make him mine, but
...he is not for me

I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.

There is one for harvesting and for sowing...

I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield

Do I want too much?

When the vision that you hold for your life and your actual life dont add up...

Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??

I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!

I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.

Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.

This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?

No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.

I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.

I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.

Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...

I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...

But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?