Ode to my FAVORITE!

I see a vision of the life that I have secretly dreamed of. I say secretly, because I have long since abandoned the belief that I could have what I wanted. So often in life, I was told that I couldn't have what I wanted. I was either offered a consolation, which in my eyes never matched up to what I truly desired. Or I was told, "too bad, sad!....in life you dont always get what you want." which, I guess is a true lesson. However, I am observing in my life how that has translated:



I no longer acknowledge my desires anymore...



This has served several purposes. It has kept me from being hurt and disappointed from life. If I never acknowledge that I want something, then I dont try to have it. And If i never 'try' to get it...then when I dont... I cant be mad right?





WRONG!!



I have found myself in a curious situation lately, and I feel ill prepared on how to respond to it.

I have found the love of my life. A wonderful man who is EVERYTHING I could possibly think I want and MORE! His soul FITS in mine. Comfortably and perfectly. He is sincere, honest, loving, industrious, a great father, and understanding, strong, generous, open minded, our personalities EFFORTLESSLY mesh, we want the SAME THINGS out of life, and both agree that it would be lovely to pursue that together.

I have no doubts about his feelings and intentions for me. I always have doubts...but his presence, dispells them.

I trust him. I respect his decisions, his mind, his ambition...and he loves me enough to encourage me to strive for my best! And does what he can to assist me. Which is a whole helluva lot. I can DEPEND on him. And he wants me too! He wants to provide...and dammit, I want to be provided for!

I UNDERSTAND him and he, I. Our communication is SUPERB! And its just and 'easy' way of being!


He holds a very high image of me, and I feel that affecting my spirit in such a positive way. I can relax when I'm with him...and finally, I am starting to believe that my unworthy feelings are wrong... And that LOVE IS REAL!!!! Its not just other people who get to live and love, and just experience happiness. It can be me too!

For the last few months, I have been healing and purging. Cleansing and learning...and now I understand why...

He has come... And we have a job to do.

He is my friend, my partner, my love, my inspiration, my 'conscience', lol. He is so wonderful, and I am very thankful for him. I feel very gay saying this... I feel weak. I feel fear, and I feel like opening up to love may hurt me in the end.... but I feel LOVE and SUPPORT more than all those things.

No longer am I waiting to exhale...

I am breathing! ALIVE! And settling quite comfortably into the notion of being with him.

Is it too soon to hear the march, and see the dress? Hmmm....maybe. But its not too soon to know that I want to laugh with him, and talk to him, and just BE with him...forever. Its not too soon to know that we have that 'special' substance about us that makes life better. We bring out the best and help to heal the worst in each other.
And we do that without trying... it just IS.

I love... again. And its wonderful! :D

May we all have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY EVER!!!!!

Keelah

Ramdomly Speaking to (you)

Thanks.
You are right.
I will try.
no...I will DO!
I love you.
Where that will lead? Who knows?
Someone does...
Not me!
Yes I do! And I will.

But...Thanks again.

Your truth is a healing to my soul.
I dont like to disappoint you.
So I will try harder not to.
I havent felt this way about someone ever....
Either you like it or you dont...never really mattered much...

NOW...it does. hmm curious!

You in-spire me to want to be better. I want you to be PROUD of me.
I wish I wanted to change, so that I would be proud of myself...

But, in this case, you will suffice.
Change is change right? Or is it?

Either way. I appreciate the fact that you are a DIRECT answer to an un-uttered prayer. I didnt even know God could go that deeply into my heart. But the fact that YOU are HERE...proves that he can and did! And the response is...

Eternal Gratefullness. YOu make me dream of better, higher, more real, LOVE!!

Finally, I dont have to look at others to understand what it means to have someone truly in your corner. I feel you hear, and I desire so desperately to use that support.

Please bare with me, while I acclimate to your intruding presence. I am used to being alone, fending for myself.

Yes...intruding is the word that I meant to use. *smile*

Shhhh! I like you!

Know better, do better, BE BETTER!

Yah!

Love is Amazing!

Misplaced Myself

Do you ever feel, that you are just NOT in the right space?
This feeling is so pervasive that its making me physically ill. Well it could be that damn rotavirus as well...but I honestly am feeling that there is a change that has happened...and somehow my physical world has not yet adjusted to it. Because I feel VERY uneasy about a lot of things in my life.

I am not LOVING my job like I used to. I am still very proficient at it, but my drive is waning and FAST! I dont want to lose it...because I have my children to think of...but I sure am HATING coming here nowadays. It grates everything soft and pure in me to do so. I am open and rubbed raw by this circumstance.

I am not understanding how to accept love. I know...sit there and take it! But how??? Who doenst understand this? Apparently quite a few of us...


I want...and I need...

I see solutions, silver linings, and good things...but inside me is a brewing pot of something terrible. At the surface, which is the only place I dare scratch...is anger, RAGE EVEN, helplessness, desire for COMPLETE OVERHAUL, pain, abandonment, F.E.A.R, and just a general distaste for all things current.

I need to better get a grip on what I feel...but I cant do that unless I actually FEEL it...and I dont want to feel these things...Cuz letting them lose may make bad things happen.

Today I want to retreat to the safety of my shell until this particular storm passes...
...again.

...only thing about that is...MY shell is not the haven it used to be. Its a really tight fit. I think I should eat less.

Seeing as though this emotional period of my life has me eating nonstop and I gained 6 lbs...QUICKLY!!! wtf?

I am at work, I'd rather be in bed....nursing myself. Holding myself. Comforting myself...Telling myself, it is all a part of the process...and that I am doing fine.

Go ahead, dont let your yesterdays hold any weight on your todays. Its over. You dont have to hurt anymore. You have grown into a lovely young lady. You have a heart that wont stop. That is why you hurt, you are going against all that is real and true. You cant NOT love...You can only try your damndest! It will never work. That is what you are built for. You are built to love HARD. Learn always. And to give of that wellspring. Dont be afraid of being hurt...But dont be so 'strong' that you feel you need to carry every grievance either. Let them go... Let it ALL GO!

You are beautiful, caring, honest. loving, creative, and PERFECT! You are a great mom, and will make a wonderful wife (for some unsuspecting fool! lol at u!) You have a lot inside of you to share... dont give up on yourself...as I will NEVER give up on you. Dont ignore the hurt, but dont dwell either....just let it be....and DO YOU! Be the wonderful you that you already are. Hurt and all...you are still loved beyond what your beautiful mind can measure.

If I were a boy....

Or at the very least if I didnt give a fuck....

Then I could:

• Care less about how people throw their opinions around about me.
• Live my life without cares or conerns about my childrens wherabouts and the such.
• Tell a bitch to SUCK MY DICK if they say something that I dont appreciate.
• Live my life without concern about the future, and how my present choices are shaping it.
• Be' okay' with the fact that some people dont want me to thrive. Even if they are my family.

But luckily for me and my boys...I do give a fuck! And I do care that my "loved ones" especially those closest to me blatantly dont want me to succeed in life. Well, if you asked, of COURSE they would say the contrary...however...your actions speak louder than your words. I wish you the best! But you have just removed yourself from the front row of my life.

I know that its hard right now...but it will be fine. I understand. And I know you do too. We just have to keep the faith, and continue to pray and be supportive.

I dont know how you can fit in right now. LIfe is so heavy. I'm unloading it as we speak...and I love your energy...but... sigh...timing is TERRIBLE!!!

FYI--I know who I am. I know my worth...so when you try and convince me otherwise, it sounds OH SO GREEK to me. It may hurt me...but not because I believe you, but because you have just changed before my eyes. You went from someone who I always thought I would love unconditonally, to someone who I have to handle with a long handled spoon. That ish hurts. But...so be it!

{sometimes i feel my sensitivity is a curse....}

But my sensitivity makes me more aware of the truth...and you know what is said about TRUTH!

Yeah...I believe that too! Thanks for that MAMA! You fuggin rock! You let me know... and I love you for it!

What the fugg???

Me: Are your hardwoods light, medium or dark?

Her: Ugly! (laughter in unison)

Her: Well dark I guess...dark is ugly, right?

Me: (Pause of disbelief) Um.... so what color?

Her: Probably medium.


Hmmmmm? Is this only weird because I am dark?

To you:

You are the last thing I remember before I drifted off to sleep.
The sound of your voice, the feeling of your tenderness and understanding helped me drift off in such a wonderful way.
You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning.
I smiled.

I think of you, often.
I wonder...I imagine.
I try and tell myself, slow down. Dont go there, yet.
But my heart is full of love for you and no matter what I say to it...it simply continues

There is no room for this right now. I have to FOCUS. I have ish to do! I cant take a pause right now.

Invitations. Confirmations...

Damn. I cant DO THIS!!!!

But I so want to...does that count at all?

You have my mind scrambled...and its invigorating!!

Ssshhhh! Dont tell nobody....

I really, really like you!

Pruning

Some things dont deserve to be in my life.
Some people dont deserve to be in my life.
Some thoughts dont deserve to be in my life.

So they wont!

Some things need to be changed, evolved, or released in love. IT IS DONE.

Sometimes you have to open your eyes, W-I-D-E, and see things for what they are. Nothing is ever as bad or as good as it seems. It is. Allow it. Thats the only WAY.

You cant deal with what you refuse to see. I get it!!!

I vow to remove all things that keep my sight at bay. I desire truth. I crave it like clean water and fresh air. It is necesssary. It is LIFE.

I'm so excited, because I am building my dream life right now. And I get to choose all the little details. How exciting!!! Its decorating...but a LIFE!!! MY LIFE!!!! How yummy!

I am thankful that I get to do what I love for a living, and for a hustle.
I am thankful that I found a way to gain extra income that allows me creative freedom and control over my destiny.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful place to live.
I am thankful that I have a reliable car to drive.
I am thankful for all of my possessions.
I am thankful that my children are the most AMAZING people I have ever met!!! They keep me humble, real and motivated!
I am thankful that I am intimately enjoying this new love affair I am having with TRUTH and him!

I love the newfound freedom that comes along with speaking it, demanding it, and practicing it...ALL THE TIME!

I love the challenge of being true to myself, when surrounded by those who benefit from me being the way I have always been. You remind me WHY I decided to make these changes. I dont care if you dont like it...or me for that matter. Keelah has things to do. And if you are not wit me...then you know what to do with those rocks over there right?

Do it!

Love. First and Always.