Questions

Will it always hurt so bad?

Will I ever be able to look at you and not feel failure and rejection?

Will I ever smile, and be thankful about how things worked out?

Will you ever come and tell me that you love me? And I feel it?

Will I ever be able to stop telling myself "Its okay"....?

Does the pain ever lessen or will it continue to hide for weeks at a time, only to resurface at the strangest, most embarrassing moments?

Do you miss 'us' as much as I do?

Will my children blame me?

Will anyone ever be able to love me?

Can I stop crying now?

Why cant I just 'get over it' like you have?

Why does heartache feel so 'personal'...I know its not...but I feel that I am the only one who feels this way?

Why does the thought of being a part of your past...tear my heart to shreds?

Why am I still here? Its been MONTHS!!!

Whats real?

Life has slapped the shit out of me. THANK GOD its gone! I am currently facing many criseees at all once...but ya know what? I asked God to reveal Himself... and I guess at a time where you have two small children in the dead of winter, probable eviction, car died, job an hour away... 3 busses, -30 degrees.... and you simply wake up early and do whatcha gotta do. No stuttering or stalling. THATS WHATS REAL! I keep getting all these inspirational thoughts and wishes from people who are AMAZED that I catch the bus to work!! Keep my head up, they say. Uh....yeah! Where else am I gonna keep it? Keelah is a bit heavy on the drama sometimes....and thats just cuz I'm passionate about shit and drama being a part of life is no different... Sometimes it gets the best of my mind...but never me. I KNOW! I know that when times seem the toughtest, its not a time to fall (all the way) apart. (carefully ignoring my last post) Its time to get quiet...cuz BELIEVE there is a helluva lesson involved. Sometimes, I need to sit back and accept kind words, and thoughts from loved ones. sometimes I need to understand that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I need to learn that if it is to be...then its up to me. Depending on the situation...I adjust and act accordingly. I love connection, because I can 'feel' which way to lean...and let it do what it do. I am thankful that somehow arrangements are being met to keep our place. My car will be fixed soon, but for the time being, I get to meet some very nice and interesting people on the bus. God has sent me quite a few lovely souls to accompany me on my journies. I get to save money on gas, and just get in a few more steps to my day!! I get help from my family in keeping my kids and they get to spend quality time with grandma, who despite my feelings...is a great disciplinarian and teacher. My son actually respects time outs now. Whooda thunk it? Time out? WTH? I get to feel that accomplishment of doing what I need to BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY! I need that sometimes. And in this process, I relearned that productivity can be as good a feeling as relaxation. Still trying to integrate that one into practical living! My mind resists that notion something fierce! But the fact that I KNOW...THATS REAL!

And in the spirit of changes and changing... CONGRATS TO AMERICA! Happy Innauguration day, ALL! Its a great day to be free!

If I didnt have the WORLDS BEST KIDS....

I would want to die RIGHT NOW!

Have you ever been so unhappy that you just wanted life to end, so that your soul could be free? Maybe I could live another life, in a another universe. And in that universe...I'm okay, just the way I am.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I do. I KNOW this. But I cannot lie, even after looking at all these things, this terrible unhappiness is doing me in. I just dont feel like living much anymore. Usually being at work intensifies these feelings. Not that I dont like what I do...but because I dont want to do it right now. Does that make any sense. My job is fulfilling in a lot of ways... but my soul is just so restless playing small. Yet, I'm terrified of revealing my true nature. I'm so tired of being afraid, but I cant shake this feeling. This monkey on my back is gaining weight. I am not getting stronger carrying all these burdens...I am being worn down. I have visions of a happy life, a fulfilling life, a truly blessed life. And in some ways, I honestly do believe that it can be mine...but will it? In my heart, I dont believe it.

I believe that I am destined to do what I think others expect of me... be a burdened broke down single mom. Eventually running from man to man, searching for the love that little girl Keelah never got from Daddy. Trying to be all that mama tried to make her be. Trying not to repeat the past, but living the predestined role without opportunity for change.

I either starve my sorrows, or compulsively feed them.

I either ignore them, or chief and listen to them.

I know who I am...but I cant live it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged...how can I fix it? Is it even possible?

I'm good people, I know it! But I'm so afraid. Of life, of love, of success, of failure. I am LITERALLY scared to breathe!!! (I hold my breath MOST of the time)

I feel like I am suffocating in this life! Literally unable to function... I want to go lay down under the covers and cry til I cant cry anymore.... but I cant even do that right!

I need an epidural...removal of all pain... I'm tired of being hurt... I'm just so, so tired.

My sons deserve better than this... but I am not better than this...and I'm all they've got!

I need a shot of faith...in the vein. I am dying today.... but the tragic part is...I will probably live until tomorrow...to suffer all over again. But if God is so gracious as to take my spirit from this wretched existence...then will my sons even know how very deeply I love them? How I pray so deeply that my love for them is enough... How I pray every night to wake up different. For them. To feel that I deserve them.

But...alas...I woke up, (late again) still this FUCKED UP MESS! God...why are you not ending this misery??? Why? If you love me so much...why not just KILL ME NOW!!!?????

I cant do this for much longer...I.just...cant!

Random Thankfullness

I used to doubt that God really REALLY heard me. Because I expected that things would work out the way I saw fit. Well... lately, that has not been the case, but now that I am awake, I can see the perfection! I am in awe...again!

Due to economic times, and the recent dissolvement of my relastionship and just... life, I have been a bit less fortunate. I have fallen behind on bills, cried myself to sleep countless nights, wondering how the hell did Wakeelah end up in this predicament? As you can see, sometimes I really do think highly of myself. I'm much too smart to end up like this right? Well...whatever...here I am. And in this place, I learn what it means and feels like to have faith, to know that in the midst of the perfect storm, I can and will come out unharmed, unscathed and actually stronger than I was before. I learned the true meaning of humility, and how to appreciate the growing pangs that come with leaving your comfort zone and exploring a different 'style' of living. I am learning how to truly find myself, amidst all of the things that I thought was me...I am understanding responsibility, surrender, and compromise on a whole different level. I am learning that life may not look how we think it should, but by paying attention, the lesson will be CRYSTAL! The experience is always PERFECT for developing or revealing that elusive quality that we all strive for. I am living with an increased amount of peace and its wonderful! I am thankful...and the fruits of my acceptance:

A friend of mine gave me a beautiful Christmas Tree so that my children and I can actually have one this year!!! It even has decorations and lights and everythign to put on it!

I received countless gift cards to places from grocery stores, to dept. stores, to home stores so that I can improve, decorate and revamp my environments, myself and my family. I can even use them to buy a few gifts for people who I would otherwise have not been able to shop for.

I have a strong plan in place to pull us out of this financial situation...and my business plan is almost complete...and its looking REALLY OPTIMISTIC!! I even have my first client already!

My relationship with my kids dad is much better, now that we are 'friends'. Still feels strange, but I cant deny the amount of respect, laughter and lightness that accompanies our interactions nowadays...as opposed to constant complaints and 'sighs'!

My children are absolutely PERFECT in every way. They are well behaved, smart as ever, and they are genuinely GOOD PEOPLE! Yes...we made them!

My backbone is becoming more and more apparent and I love the way that I am forcing certain people in my life to adjust to 'how it is!"... I'm gonna smile, cuz I deserve to!

God is LOUD!!!! Not just a whisper or an afterthought...I am fully aware of our connection most of the time now!

I have friends!!! I am not sure how to trust them, or confide in them, or even how to utilize their presence in my life...but dammit!!! Ive got people in my life who REALLY REALLY care for me--as I am. I wonder would they still care if they knew.... SHUT UP VOICE! THEY DO!

I feel bummy on the outside, but absoluelty beautiful on the inside...because I really am blessed!

Sadness is as it is....

Today it is nonexistent, cuz I know who I am...and from whom my sustenance comes. Thank you!

Love Always and First!!

Keelah

Happy FIRST Birthday Xavien!!!!!

You are the bestest little boy in the world!! Mama loves you very much! Cant belive its been a WHOLE YEAR!!!

Few other Pics of the Birthday Boy and our family

Mistakes...Yes already!

I ate 3 cookies yesterday eve. I know, I know...it was a test...but they were my auntie Mary's homemade oatmeal chocolate chip boys (coincidentally she brought them over the DAY I decide to change)...and I resisted them forHOURS!!!! Then I decided...just 'taste one'.
Was that me or the addiction?
Hmmm....either way I did...and that quickly turned to 3. They were DEEEELISH! Must ask her what form of CRACK she put in them??? Everyone in my house kept gravitating to them...but sigh, everyone is not chanigng their eating habits...I am! I get it.

Lesson learned: When you feel the temptation.... counter that! I SHOULD have removed them from my sight. Instead, I kept them on the counter, so every time I went into the kitchen...there they were there...whispering softly in my ear..."Taste me...I'm so gooooood." The sound was so seductive, so enticing, so completly romantic. Promising me delectible pleasures that I could only imagine...


And they did not fail to deliver.

Moving along....Today is a GREAT day!!

Breakfast: Oatmeal w/ honey--1 boiled egg white
Coffee

Lunch: chicken, brocolli and potatoes w/ onions

Snacks: Grapefruit, celery sticks, 1 boiled egg

Dinner: Chicken and whole wheat pasta and broccoli

Snack: NOT COOKIES! Pinky swear!! :)

Everyone have a fab day!

Tomorrow never comes...

There is only today. What have you done today to make you feel empowered?

I decided last night that I am going to lose 45 lbs. by May. 9th.

So in lieu of MY decision, I got back out of bed, and packed my food for my workday.

Break-Oatmeal w/raisins, 1 boiled eggs
Snacks-celery sticks, boiled egg, grapefruit, 1/2 of a sm. baked chicken breast
Lunch-Green salad w/ carrots, bell pepper
...and my walking shoes!! Cuz on my 30 minute lunch, which is barely enough time to eat, but PLENTY of time to walk...Im workin it out! I'm done pretending that there is nothing I can do about my predicament...there are many things I can do! Just have to decide to do them...

This time, when I fall off...I will E-N-J-O-Y every moment of the slip up before getting back on track. Shit dont stop! Neither does the kid! I am done with being overweight! Just fed up...LITERALLY! Time to make space...cant be truly satizfied, if I'm always sabotaging my most basic efforts of getting my physical life in order. I love me! And I want the best for me! Time to give myself the best that I have to offer. So that as my cup runneth over, I have my BEST to offer those who depend on me and who look to me for a source of inspiration. Time to quit playing small and embrace this HUGE destiny that I know is mine! This 45 lbs. is actually my New Years Resolution. And I am starting TODAY!

I figured why not start now and have the foundation of the habits I want to cultivate in myself in place by the first?

Love Always FIRST AND FOREMOST!