Let it go....

Healing is a natural result of being wounded. In every sense of the word. Be it physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual. The existance of a wound necessarily means that its healing is also in existence.

Somtimes we dont realize this because pain we feel from our initial wound, or the residual feeling that we get when someone touches our private soft spots hurt so bad, that we feel we will be there forever. That is NEVER the case. The only reason anyone can stay in any type of pain is becasue on some level we have not let go of our 'attachments' to the painful part. There is an evolution to everything, and after pain, comes resolution. NO matter what the situation, this is the case. We would be best to realize and fully accept this.

When something hurts, feel it. Feel the hurt. Acknowledge the hurt...as fully as you can. Then let it go so that Life/God's cleansing energy can come thru and do what it does best. Heal. I dont believe time heals wounds, I believe wounds heal themselves...as long as we dont 'keep' them and make them our own. Thats the problem, most of us experience and injustice and then instead of letting it go, as a part of life. We hold it and coddle it. Keep it close to our chests. We talk about it, stew in the energies it manifests, share our stories with ourselves and preferably with others. We ponder it, think upon it, research it and try to 'understand' it. We give it the attention that we offer our most cherished love. We constantly seek clarity on the situation when the most important fact is already clear. You hurt. There is nothing to understand. It is... That is all! Let it go!

Today I am grateful...

I have been doing something called Rampaging...Its basically writing down things you are grateful for as often as you think about it. I am always amazed at how many things that tend to slip beneath the radar of my awareness on any given day. Usually I feel very good, but today I'm a lil slow on the uptake, so I will use rampaging to bring me back into focus.

I am thankful that my car is holding on long enough for us to get another one.
I am thankful that I have a job to go to, that I enjoy, am good at, and that pays me for my time spent away from my darling children.
I am thankful that I have a CLEAR vison of what I am creating in my life. There is no more muddy confusion about where I am going or how I'm going to get there. It is already done!
I am thankful for communication and acceptance. I am flirting with mastery (imo) in both arenas! Go me!
I am thankful that I am getting better at womanly things. Not perfect, but I am super appreciative for the apparent progress that I am seeing from paying more attention to feminine qualities.
I am thankful that my life is being recreated and I KNOW that when its all settled, it will be filled with true love, good friends, good times, and MUCH PAMPERING!
I am so thankful for Jesus. He really is my homeboy and is helping me to lift up, when I am tempted to feel down! Good looking Hay-seus! (inside joke, lol)
I am thankful for the moments in life where I am truly alive! When I am 'plugged in', I feel a part of the entire fabric of life, and it helps when I begin to feel lonely or chronically misunderstood.
I am thankful for the pain that I feel...it offers me a wonderful contrast for the joy that is emerging in my life! It keeps me humble and in this delicious state of thankfulness.
I am thankful that even though I have COMPLETELY fallen off the whole 'diet' wagon...my body is still striving towards homeostasis! Gotta love the natural flow of the universe. Always lifeward--NO MATTER WHAT!
I am thankful for the deepening of my spirit! I had been feeling pretty surface for a while, since I decided to put a happy face on everything. But in the moments in the still of the night, when its just me and God...I can release my 'organicness' and just be me...the totally un-cut, raw, stripped to my core...ME! We all need a space to feel ourselves on that level.
I pray for courage to live from that space, because while its often uncomfortable, it is always genuine...and TOTAL HONESTY and full disclosure of spirit is my only goal in life. To live as I am...straight, no chaser.
I am thankful for unconditonal love. It exists! Sometimes, I dont allow it, because it doesnt come from where I want it to...or look how I think it should. But I have it, and I know it!
I am thankful for friendship. I went a long time denying my need for friends, but without them, my life would be emptier, colder and less 'comfortable'. I anticipate the day when I can fully express to all of them how much they mean to me, without feeling so...weak.
All in all...Its all good! If you made it this far, thank you for listening. Much love!
Keelah

Hi!!!! My name is...

Keelah!!! Have a great day!!!!

The Message...

I was waiting at the light, half sleep, half angry that I had to leave my house feeling like this...and I see him. You cant tell by the pic, but man was FOINE!!! Thats neither here nor there, but just WOW!!! I loved him. And am so thankfull for the reminder. Needless to say, I stopped complaining and sung for the rest of the ride!!!

MMM-MMM Good!!!

I dont need to possess you
to en joy
The precious moments where time
comes undone
For us to be-come
togetherness
Until....

What is that???
I dont know...just something I was thinking about. I usually get so caught up in ownership and labels, that sometimes I miss the gift. Its not always about saying, "Thats mine!" Sometimes its about sitting back and basking in the glow or warmth or pure joy of what is...at this moment. Not tomorrow or even afterwards. Sometimes its okay to stay RIGHT HERE. And open up to as much joy as the moment will offer you. And let tomorrows worries fret themselves. I like that! Yes...I will live like that! Cuz I CAN!!!

Daddeeeeee

I love my father. He was taught that a man should deny himself and all of his needs and WORK, WORK, WORK. By any means necessary. At the expense of time spent, love shared, anything. He retired and now, he has to LOOK at the life that his beliefs have created for him and its depressing. He doesnt eat, doesnt do anything. His response daily to my ,"How are you?" is ALWAYS, "The same as everyday" with much sadness. He has only one reason to live and thats to fulfill a commitment he made to his departed mom to look after his cousin. He makes the bus trip daily to sit with her as she is bedridden. His voice is fading, his drive to live almost gone. I fear that when she goes, he will too. He asked my son if he would 'REMEMBER GRANDPA'. That hurt me to my core. He is preparing us. He is telling us that he no longer wants to be here. And I dont know what to do. His life is teachig me so much about the nature of REAL LIFE. And I hurt because I cant 'change' his mind for him. But I would love to tell my dad, in a way that he can receive that its never to late to enjoy life! That your deepest innermost dreams deserve to become manifest! You dont have to settle for a a life surrounded by people who dont value or give you the love your heart desires! You are a wonderful person with wonderful gifts to share, and we LOVE YOU!! No matter what happened in your past, you are TOTALLY LOVABLE NOW! And honestly, we always have. It hurts me that you see no way out of the prison of your mind. I want you to be here to walk me down the aisle. I want you to bore your grandchildren with your stories on your SUPERB work ethic! I love you daddy! No strings attached. I dont want anything from you other than your presence and your happiness. You give so much and dare to ask for so little. I want to see you DEMAND your worth. I wish that all the things you have locked up in your body be FREE! If necessary, I am willing to miss you eternally for you to find that peace, as I know living here is hard. Please know that you taught me more than you could ever know! And I am always thankful for you! My sons will KNOW the great man that is their Grand Pie! Love Always,

Keelah

Hand me downs...

Life sucks!!!

I got an email that read...Who sets the standards that you live by? This is a question that not many people in my world ask. Me being me...I have and do! REGULARLY! I need answers, because my mind creates in me an endless amount of questions. Always has. Hopefully always will.


I look at a few of my loved ones...and I realize that they are WONDERFUL! They really are. But I have noticed over the course of my life, that more than not...they are not free. And THAT is why my apparent freedom was met with so much resistence growing up. They didnt want to stifle my creativity. They didnt set out to 'kill' the very essence of the thing that made me, who I am. They simply were passing along a set of "RULES" that they were taught, and couldnt understand how I didnt accept them as easily as they obviously had.

I am not built to just ingest everything I'm fed. It wreaked havoc during my childhood. It made me seem rebellious, when I was simply making decisions based on what was in my heart...not fed into my mind. I 'thought' about what was real. I felt inside when I didnt know the answers. My natural proccesses are tools that actually serve me well and I was bascially brought up in a world, where adults told me they knew more than me, so I should simply get with the program! I conformed to the extent that I had to to ensure survival, but my soul was NOT HAPPY about it.

I say all this to say, that work til you die, or retire (same thing) was something that was drilled into my head.
Never call off, vacations are for the weak.
Sacrifice yourself and anything resembling YOU,for your children.
Please those around you, it will make people like you.
Speak when spoken to...be seen and not heard.
Wear your hair long and straight. (men like that)
Sit like a lady. (lol)
Dont wear a ponytail every day...what kind of man will want that?
Appearances dont matter...(huh?)
Keep this clean (dont you want a husband one day?--there were plenty of these, usually from unmarrieds...hmmmm???)...

The messages I received about dont you want a husband one day confused my young mind the most, because usually in the same breath I would hear: "Black men aint shit!" or "Your daddy dont care about us!"
I would hear how my grandaddy predicted the AWFUL day, which of course was right on time for my generation, when women would not be able to depend on their men! Women would have to do it all. And in my family...so they did! And as a good 'follower', so do I!

I accepted at a young age that I would be a single parent, and I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that that contributed to the events that play out in my life today. I am fulfilling the prophesy that was spoken over my young eager mind, so long ago. I couldnt rebel against everything.

I realize that what you speak over your children MOLDS them. I am thankful for this knowledge. I speak nothing but affrimatives for my children. Everything I fear for them (and there are plenty), I affirm the TRUTH. NOt my truth, because I see a lot of "my truths" are janky hand-me-downs. I affirm the HIGHEST TRUTH that my mind can imagine. Because even though I fell off for a good part of 20 years, I KNOW that I am here for a reason...and I know that the way I am in the deepest parts of me, has a big role to play in that.

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had. All of the seeming opposition and failures, heartbreaks and tribulations actually strengthened me...not killed me as I believed yesterday. I am still here...and I still believe in LOVE! Even in the midst of the darkest storm. I know that what I think and how I dream has a DIRECT effect on the life I live! And ultimately the way my children will allow themselves to think and dream. I love life! And this is NEW again, to me. I dont have to live the life that anyone else chose for me. I may have when I was 10, but I dont know. And I wont. I am ALIVE!!! And I am AWARE! And that mechanism in me that drives me to strive for the best is once again functioning at a working level. I am on my way back...Thank GOD!!!