Hand me downs...

Life sucks!!!

I got an email that read...Who sets the standards that you live by? This is a question that not many people in my world ask. Me being me...I have and do! REGULARLY! I need answers, because my mind creates in me an endless amount of questions. Always has. Hopefully always will.


I look at a few of my loved ones...and I realize that they are WONDERFUL! They really are. But I have noticed over the course of my life, that more than not...they are not free. And THAT is why my apparent freedom was met with so much resistence growing up. They didnt want to stifle my creativity. They didnt set out to 'kill' the very essence of the thing that made me, who I am. They simply were passing along a set of "RULES" that they were taught, and couldnt understand how I didnt accept them as easily as they obviously had.

I am not built to just ingest everything I'm fed. It wreaked havoc during my childhood. It made me seem rebellious, when I was simply making decisions based on what was in my heart...not fed into my mind. I 'thought' about what was real. I felt inside when I didnt know the answers. My natural proccesses are tools that actually serve me well and I was bascially brought up in a world, where adults told me they knew more than me, so I should simply get with the program! I conformed to the extent that I had to to ensure survival, but my soul was NOT HAPPY about it.

I say all this to say, that work til you die, or retire (same thing) was something that was drilled into my head.
Never call off, vacations are for the weak.
Sacrifice yourself and anything resembling YOU,for your children.
Please those around you, it will make people like you.
Speak when spoken to...be seen and not heard.
Wear your hair long and straight. (men like that)
Sit like a lady. (lol)
Dont wear a ponytail every day...what kind of man will want that?
Appearances dont matter...(huh?)
Keep this clean (dont you want a husband one day?--there were plenty of these, usually from unmarrieds...hmmmm???)...

The messages I received about dont you want a husband one day confused my young mind the most, because usually in the same breath I would hear: "Black men aint shit!" or "Your daddy dont care about us!"
I would hear how my grandaddy predicted the AWFUL day, which of course was right on time for my generation, when women would not be able to depend on their men! Women would have to do it all. And in my family...so they did! And as a good 'follower', so do I!

I accepted at a young age that I would be a single parent, and I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that that contributed to the events that play out in my life today. I am fulfilling the prophesy that was spoken over my young eager mind, so long ago. I couldnt rebel against everything.

I realize that what you speak over your children MOLDS them. I am thankful for this knowledge. I speak nothing but affrimatives for my children. Everything I fear for them (and there are plenty), I affirm the TRUTH. NOt my truth, because I see a lot of "my truths" are janky hand-me-downs. I affirm the HIGHEST TRUTH that my mind can imagine. Because even though I fell off for a good part of 20 years, I KNOW that I am here for a reason...and I know that the way I am in the deepest parts of me, has a big role to play in that.

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had. All of the seeming opposition and failures, heartbreaks and tribulations actually strengthened me...not killed me as I believed yesterday. I am still here...and I still believe in LOVE! Even in the midst of the darkest storm. I know that what I think and how I dream has a DIRECT effect on the life I live! And ultimately the way my children will allow themselves to think and dream. I love life! And this is NEW again, to me. I dont have to live the life that anyone else chose for me. I may have when I was 10, but I dont know. And I wont. I am ALIVE!!! And I am AWARE! And that mechanism in me that drives me to strive for the best is once again functioning at a working level. I am on my way back...Thank GOD!!!

I'm just sayin.....

If you smoke and develop a nasty cough...its related to the smoking.

If the doctor advises you that it will eventually become emphysema, he is not being mean...he is being FACTUAL. Smoking causes a host of illnesses. Emphysema being one of them.

If you dont work out, and eat TERRIBLY...you will not drop pounds. No matter how old you are, how many children you have or what medication you are on. No movement and bad food=weight gain or at best weight maintenance.

I am not speaking from Ego here, I am speaking from experience.

So please, PLEASE forgive me if I cant indulge in conversations such as the above. I am currently trying to change my OWN mind about such subjects, therefore I can NOT indulge your avoidance of your responsibility. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Keelah

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Havent been on in a while. I am lurking nowadays, commenting here and there. I am not depressed or anything like that. Just letting myself settle into my new life. No new HUGE developments. Life is undeniable moving along smoother than it used to. I'm 29 today! Thats exciting!! Have a FAB day all!

I hurt...

I hurt so bad. The more that time goes on...the more I hurt. Its not like normal, when you break up and then take time to grieve. Each time I look at my childrens' face, I see him and I see our failure. I see the moments in the past, where we should have let it go...or actually made a change...but instead, we continued on as if somehow time would improve us. I really thought we were going through a 'bad patch'. We are not. It is over. For EVER.Sigh.

I listen to him. He has valid issues. I dropped the ball in a lot of ways. I hurt him too! Its not all about me. He feels that he played himself...He feels that we should have been over. The last attempt at 'us' was because of our children.

"I love you, he says, but when you gave up on you...it turned me off. You no longer cared about yourself, or me, or US. You always give up. You left me years ago..."



You know what? he may be right. If I look deeply enough, I will see that my actions state EXACTLY that, but my heart says something completely different. I simply withdrew because I know I had ish to handle within myself. But there is no way to go back in time and right the wrongs that happened.

Guess from here I learn and live. And move on.

God that hurts. The touching of my soul. The revelations. The truth. It makes me hold my breath to stop the pain. It makes me cry until I cant anymore. Every night. It makes me doubt my worth. It makes me feel so abandoned and unlovable. It makes me think its all my fault. It makes me worry that I will never find anyone who 'gets' me. It makes me think that I am going to be my mother.

I am in fact repeating the past. I am a single mom of two kids, just like she was (at least she was married to my dad, though) I too am closing my already hardened heart even more, to try and deflect some of the intensity of the pain I feel. I dont want to hurt forever. I want to let it go...but.I.cant!!! I try and get him to say hurtful things, so that I can hate him and use that hate to facilitate healing...but it is only hurting more. Help.

Questions on my mind...What does she do, that I couldnt? (pointless question that simply makes me feel worse)

Why couldnt we both just 'work it out'?

Why does this seem to be affecting me WAAAY worse than it is him?

How can he just try and fill my spot so quickly?

I hate him. I really dont...I love him. And I admire him. And I have to release him. He is not mine.

Please God, ignore my cries for reconciliation. I still believe in this process. Even when I feel like my heart can take no more, and my mind is filled with tormenting thoughts and images, I believe that this is right. I believe that I can and will love again, once I heal. I believe that I am in the fire of healing right now. I believe that one day, we will have the best relationship ever! We will do so for our children. We will share a genuine love, (albeit not romantic) and still exhibit respect for each other. My children are loved by us both and that will never stop. Please God, help me and help him if he feels any pain from this seperation as well. May you heal both our hearts, so that we can once again find your love within them. Amen

Look what I can do! (Stuart) :) giggle

I thought I was going to be all depressed about the impending MAJOR life changes going on...but as Life would have it, I am actually motivated by them! I am challenged to call on my Best Self and live through her. Here are some of my new happenings.

I wore makeup for the first time yesterday, and me thinks me is HOOKED!!!
I used to weigh 253 lbs. about 8 months ago. I feel like I can say that now, because I am currently 199. I made a vow to myself that when I broke the 200 lb. mark, I would purchase myself some makeup. It had long been a secret dream of mine to really look polished everyday, and so that was the most intimidating thing for me, which is why thats EXACTLY where I wanted to start. Gone are the days when I stand still in fear! Nowadays Im gong straight for my jugular. If I die...oops! If I live...I can say, I knew whatever didnt kill me would make me FABULOUS!!!

Random Stuff

I really thought you were THE ONE-
thats why I stayed so long
My commitment was as deep as I've ever given to anyone
But it wasnt enough when the times got rough
The day that my life got drowned by 'my stuff'


I hurt, but...
You cant understand...
To you, pain is weakness to never be shown
To me, pain is killing me and I'm left to deal alone
My tears make you angry
Reflections that hit too close to home?
Instead of sharing your heart...
You push me away
So I wait patiently, for that 'one day'

The day you will hold me
And tell me 'for life'
The day that you value me enough to make me your wife
The day I can relax and know that you're mine...

Sigh, but thats just a fantasy
With room just for one
Now because of my choices, a statistic I've become

Barely escaping my demons
Grasping wildly for hope
Trying to carry on
But I'm starting to choke

I am not a poet
Just someone going through it right now..

This is not what I planned
This life is not for me
But here I am

So now what?
Two BABIES, two parent, two seperate homes?

I hate this. I hurt so bad...cant keep crying at my desk. What if someone sees?
This is the last place that I have where I actually feel competent. Where I can actually do and say the right thing and be who I am supposed to be. I am not at home in my own home or in my own life for that matter. I dont know where to go from here. I know that many people do it all the time. But can I fly, when I want to die? Can I live...without you? Can I do this?

Fading away....

Its been a while...I am really down, so there's really no reason to post. My relationship is ending and after almost 9 years this is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But its going down...so I'm dealing. My sister hates me! My mother annoys me. My children love me, though. So I have what I need to make it through this. Its just that I am not feeling like blogging. My energy is not happy or optimistic right now. But I know that I will be alright! I will be checkin on yall from time to time.

Love.