I was going to get some KFC Hot wings for lunch. Even after I complained about my weight plateau, even after I searched the web and found out that only 6 wings are a WHOPPING 450 calories.
Well my office manager asked me where I was going for lunch...I was embarrassed as I admitted the truth. Needless to say, that feeling stopped me in my tracks. I reluctantly followed her into the cafeteria in our building...and very painstakingly bought a veggie spinach salad and a water. As I ate, I felt a strong urge to crunch on my wings, but my body had a different reaction. She is ELATED! My body literally began to REJOICE more and more with every bite! If I was not paying attention, I could have easily missed it. I am so HAPPY! Good food=good feelings. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that truth!
Those wings would have been soooo good, but the feeling would have been very short lasting and would have definately led to guilt afterwards. Dodged that bullet! :)
Go me!
09 April, 2008
I am...
...a proud mother.
...a cohabitating wife. (yeah...time is running out for this role!)
...absolutely LOVING my SPRING CLEANING EXTRAVAGANZA!
...a receptionist
...a visionary
...eternal optimist
...a chimney
...a spritual being navigating this physical existence
...losing weight
...a natural woman
...in Love with Obama (and Michelle!)
...happy for Beyonce and Jay-Z!
...feeling good about my future.
...a daughter
...a sister
...pretty funny if I say so myself
...obsessed with the Biggest Loser
...scared to love people
...excited to move through the confines of my past
...anticipating the joy that is on the other side of my growing pains.
...a budding yogi!
...an undercover fashionista! (Deeeep undercover-lol)
...an avid reader
...terrified of my sexuality. (read: may be an undercover ho, if left unchecked)
...a BIG flirt
...content with life today
...breathing
...anticipating having a 'convo' with Jeremiah when I get home.
...working with the Law of Attraction currently.
...better than I was yesterday
...Here. Now.
...a cohabitating wife. (yeah...time is running out for this role!)
...absolutely LOVING my SPRING CLEANING EXTRAVAGANZA!
...a receptionist
...a visionary
...eternal optimist
...a chimney
...a spritual being navigating this physical existence
...losing weight
...a natural woman
...in Love with Obama (and Michelle!)
...happy for Beyonce and Jay-Z!
...feeling good about my future.
...a daughter
...a sister
...pretty funny if I say so myself
...obsessed with the Biggest Loser
...scared to love people
...excited to move through the confines of my past
...anticipating the joy that is on the other side of my growing pains.
...a budding yogi!
...an undercover fashionista! (Deeeep undercover-lol)
...an avid reader
...terrified of my sexuality. (read: may be an undercover ho, if left unchecked)
...a BIG flirt
...content with life today
...breathing
...anticipating having a 'convo' with Jeremiah when I get home.
...working with the Law of Attraction currently.
...better than I was yesterday
...Here. Now.
08 April, 2008
Responsibilty
My name is Wakeelah. In Arabic, it means a responsible leader (according to mom). It means a worker for God, (according to gas station man). I choose to believe that it is a mixture of both. Growing up, I loathed that my name wasnt Tiffany, or Kimberly--something normal. Why? does my name has to mean something? And why oh why does my mom bring it up whenever she needed some type of leverage. When my room was junky..."You are supposed to be a responsible L-E-A-D-E-R! How can you do that with a junky room?" I have heard variations of this over the years, enough times to last for the rest of EVER!
Well the older I get, the more I find its easy for me to live up to that name. And yesterday I found my reason why. I have a purpose. During prayer on Sunday, it occured to me that I am good at making things functional and pretty. Those are two 'gifts' that I possess. I sometimes discount them because they come so naturally to me, but they truly are energies that have served me very well over my short life so far. It behooves me to accept and exploit them even! They are wonderful qualities to have. And I have the responsiblity to express them every chance I get.
We are all one. When I make things beautiful, I am an artist. I get to express a side of myself that I dont normally get to see, and I give permission by admission for others to do the same. When I am scared to stand up for myself, I add to the fear in the world. I am done with that! It doesnt work. And I'm out of the business of trying to continue doing things that dont work. They.dont.work! Sounds simple, but lots of us do that every day. And still have the nerve to be frustrated that things are still the same.
My mom has been 'losing weight' for as long as I can remember. Her story has always been the same. I dont want to be skinny she says with disdain. As if being skinny is a disease. (This hurt especially when I was skinny) She says, "I just want to lose my gut!" I offer her helpful tips that I have come across (since I have lost 11 lbs. the hard way), and she immediately rebuffs them, without even giving them a chance! I understand the obese mentality...I do! Me of all people knows, but if you say you want something and your habits lead you in the opposite direction, then why be upset when you dont ever get what you want? Why pretend to have all this faith in God? The Lord knows what I need. Lots of people lean on God like that. Yes he knows what you want and need. But most times, in my experience, he doesnt just send the object of your desire to your doorstep! He gives you many ways, people, circumstances that MOVE you in the direction that you CLAIM you want to go.
Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I had a list, and I didnt plan on deviating from that list. I am making myself adopt discipline as a rule. I got lots of fresh fruits and veggies, fish, water and other goodies. Because I am losing 10 lbs. this month!!!!!! My mom resisted my choices as if my buying healthful food for my family was offending her in some way. She went on and on about how healthy her doctor said she is, depsite the fact that she eats fast food 6 out of 7 days of the week. She says and I quote, "My body seems to run better on junk food!" Thats when I realized...I am not just making improvements for myself, my man and my children. I am being an example for my whole family! The weight of the world was on my shoulders for a split second, before I decided to step up me game and be up for the challenge.
For the first time in a long time, I realized I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggles, and I wont be alone in my triumph. I will encounter resistence, and it may be from those I love most, but thats okay! Since I expect it...I will be prepared for it. I can handle it. I will continue to move TOWARD my goal. I owe it to myself, my family, and my community to do so. I am finally ready to take responsiblity, OUT LOUD for the condition of my life! I am so excited!
Mood: Fired up! and I'm feeling it! ;)
Well the older I get, the more I find its easy for me to live up to that name. And yesterday I found my reason why. I have a purpose. During prayer on Sunday, it occured to me that I am good at making things functional and pretty. Those are two 'gifts' that I possess. I sometimes discount them because they come so naturally to me, but they truly are energies that have served me very well over my short life so far. It behooves me to accept and exploit them even! They are wonderful qualities to have. And I have the responsiblity to express them every chance I get.
We are all one. When I make things beautiful, I am an artist. I get to express a side of myself that I dont normally get to see, and I give permission by admission for others to do the same. When I am scared to stand up for myself, I add to the fear in the world. I am done with that! It doesnt work. And I'm out of the business of trying to continue doing things that dont work. They.dont.work! Sounds simple, but lots of us do that every day. And still have the nerve to be frustrated that things are still the same.
My mom has been 'losing weight' for as long as I can remember. Her story has always been the same. I dont want to be skinny she says with disdain. As if being skinny is a disease. (This hurt especially when I was skinny) She says, "I just want to lose my gut!" I offer her helpful tips that I have come across (since I have lost 11 lbs. the hard way), and she immediately rebuffs them, without even giving them a chance! I understand the obese mentality...I do! Me of all people knows, but if you say you want something and your habits lead you in the opposite direction, then why be upset when you dont ever get what you want? Why pretend to have all this faith in God? The Lord knows what I need. Lots of people lean on God like that. Yes he knows what you want and need. But most times, in my experience, he doesnt just send the object of your desire to your doorstep! He gives you many ways, people, circumstances that MOVE you in the direction that you CLAIM you want to go.
Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I had a list, and I didnt plan on deviating from that list. I am making myself adopt discipline as a rule. I got lots of fresh fruits and veggies, fish, water and other goodies. Because I am losing 10 lbs. this month!!!!!! My mom resisted my choices as if my buying healthful food for my family was offending her in some way. She went on and on about how healthy her doctor said she is, depsite the fact that she eats fast food 6 out of 7 days of the week. She says and I quote, "My body seems to run better on junk food!" Thats when I realized...I am not just making improvements for myself, my man and my children. I am being an example for my whole family! The weight of the world was on my shoulders for a split second, before I decided to step up me game and be up for the challenge.
For the first time in a long time, I realized I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggles, and I wont be alone in my triumph. I will encounter resistence, and it may be from those I love most, but thats okay! Since I expect it...I will be prepared for it. I can handle it. I will continue to move TOWARD my goal. I owe it to myself, my family, and my community to do so. I am finally ready to take responsiblity, OUT LOUD for the condition of my life! I am so excited!
Mood: Fired up! and I'm feeling it! ;)
04 April, 2008
Never give up hoping!
I have been in prayer. And not that whole I'm "SOOO spiritual" prayer...but some serious...down and dirty, deep from my heart of hearts prayers. I have been hurting for so long...some things I was aware of, other revelations were truly a shock to me. All of this shit has been quite overwhelming and that is very much an understatement. I'mma tell you, when I asked God to cleanse me and help me to rejoin Him, I was expecting a few dark clouds, maybe a sprinkle of rain and then this parting in the sky of Heavenly GOODNESS! Sheeeeeeyid!
I got fugged up repressed memories, aches and pains, mood swings out of this world, gas and a host of other shit that has me feeling very low!
But all the while, I tried to maintain a semblence of hope. Why? Because I am a believer in this process. Even though it has its highs and low-lows, I believe that who emerges on the other side of this will be stronger, healthier and just better.But how do I keep my faith during trying times such as these? I have to FIND things that are good in my life even amidst the stormy weather. I have two wonderful children, so its not that hard. They make me smile and refocus on the good things in life, even when I dont see them right off. So on the days when I feel the worst, I am truly blessed to have my Boys.
So in keeping with the traumatic trend of my last few weeks, on my way to work on Wednesday I hit a huge sink hole which made the bottom of my car hit the ground. I got ish to do, so I cussed, got angry, then chugged on back home. Once there my man changed my tire (JUST bought a new set...was pissed about it) and boosted my car and sent me on my way. When I passed the scene of the crime there was a beligerant lady with her car parked in front of the sink hole. So I detoured to add my two cents. Long story short...The local gas company made the hole that was left uncovered...so they are paying for whatever is broken on my car to get fixed! WHATEVER???!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME? I AM TOO EXCITED!! I got new powersteering, the whole arm and leg of the car that was hit, new front end, wheel alignment and they are throwing in an oil change. And they are paying for the rental that I have right now! I had a list of things that needed to get done to my car, and thankfully that list has been whittled down to just ONE THING! So despite how my moods want to tell me life is...I know otherwise. I know that there is a silver lining in every dark cloud. I know that I am being held and loved as I travel through life. I just wanted to share this testimony. I hope that it uplifts someone, cuz it sure as heaven uplifted me. It challenges me to look at what I perceive to be setbacks in a whole new light. I am thankful.
Good times are coming. I KNOW IT! Thank you. I do appreciate it!
I got fugged up repressed memories, aches and pains, mood swings out of this world, gas and a host of other shit that has me feeling very low!
But all the while, I tried to maintain a semblence of hope. Why? Because I am a believer in this process. Even though it has its highs and low-lows, I believe that who emerges on the other side of this will be stronger, healthier and just better.But how do I keep my faith during trying times such as these? I have to FIND things that are good in my life even amidst the stormy weather. I have two wonderful children, so its not that hard. They make me smile and refocus on the good things in life, even when I dont see them right off. So on the days when I feel the worst, I am truly blessed to have my Boys.
So in keeping with the traumatic trend of my last few weeks, on my way to work on Wednesday I hit a huge sink hole which made the bottom of my car hit the ground. I got ish to do, so I cussed, got angry, then chugged on back home. Once there my man changed my tire (JUST bought a new set...was pissed about it) and boosted my car and sent me on my way. When I passed the scene of the crime there was a beligerant lady with her car parked in front of the sink hole. So I detoured to add my two cents. Long story short...The local gas company made the hole that was left uncovered...so they are paying for whatever is broken on my car to get fixed! WHATEVER???!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME? I AM TOO EXCITED!! I got new powersteering, the whole arm and leg of the car that was hit, new front end, wheel alignment and they are throwing in an oil change. And they are paying for the rental that I have right now! I had a list of things that needed to get done to my car, and thankfully that list has been whittled down to just ONE THING! So despite how my moods want to tell me life is...I know otherwise. I know that there is a silver lining in every dark cloud. I know that I am being held and loved as I travel through life. I just wanted to share this testimony. I hope that it uplifts someone, cuz it sure as heaven uplifted me. It challenges me to look at what I perceive to be setbacks in a whole new light. I am thankful.
Good times are coming. I KNOW IT! Thank you. I do appreciate it!
03 April, 2008
Some things in my heart...
I love you. I love you so much, but sometimes its not easy. Sometimes I dont know how. Its so hard to feel what you feel and still maintain my sanity. I want to be there for you. To help you move through your pain and into joy. I want for us to be BONDED. I want you to trust me and I want so badly to trust you. I know we have both been hurt very badly in the past. And our hearts are not distinguishing that the time has past. But it has...I am willing to let go of the pain so that we can move forward, together. Whether we like it or not...we are connected. But I would much prefer we be connected in love than in pain and hurt. Lets remake the tragedy of our lives into something beautiful.
I love you. I dislike a LOT of your ways, but if I have to be honest with myself...I must admit. I KNOW you. I know you better than you think anyone does. I know you hurt, and I know that the hurt you feel causes you to lash out in ways that are not natural to your heart. I know you cannot always 'see' the effect of repressing your pain, but I do. And it hurts me to see you hurt. I hurt so bad sometimes, because you make me hurt. You are careless with your energies and they affect me. Self preservation is strong in any species, but I cannot abandon you. I cant leave you out here without anyone to truly UNDERSTAND you, so I stay. At the expense of my own feelings. I hurt for you...with you. I dont know how to be any other way.
I love you. I love you so much. I know that I need to extend myself to your more, but I dont know how. I think that I am not enough. That you need more. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am enough just the way I am, but I guess I cant give you what I am unable to give myself. That old adage holds very true. I think that I would resent being there for you in the way that you need me to, because I so often ignore those needs in myself. I CANT give you what I dont offer myself. Its just not humanly possible without resentment. I am sorry. I just dont have it right now.
I know you want me to let go and let God. I know that you are ready. I know that you have a vision and that it is I that keeps you from achieving it. I know that it is my fear and my determination to keep things status quo, that keeps you from blossoming into all that you are. I know that I will have to relinquish this unhealthy compulsion, but I dont know how. I dont want to lose. And letting go feels like giving up, which equals losing in my book. I yearn to live from the depths of my entire being. My desires may not seem real to you, but the pain of living beneath my potential is. My fears are. And my desire to live and grow and be well are just as strong as yours. HOw do you let go, when letting go could mean death? How do you reconcile this? How? I really really want to know. Seriously.
To be continued.
I love you. I dislike a LOT of your ways, but if I have to be honest with myself...I must admit. I KNOW you. I know you better than you think anyone does. I know you hurt, and I know that the hurt you feel causes you to lash out in ways that are not natural to your heart. I know you cannot always 'see' the effect of repressing your pain, but I do. And it hurts me to see you hurt. I hurt so bad sometimes, because you make me hurt. You are careless with your energies and they affect me. Self preservation is strong in any species, but I cannot abandon you. I cant leave you out here without anyone to truly UNDERSTAND you, so I stay. At the expense of my own feelings. I hurt for you...with you. I dont know how to be any other way.
I love you. I love you so much. I know that I need to extend myself to your more, but I dont know how. I think that I am not enough. That you need more. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am enough just the way I am, but I guess I cant give you what I am unable to give myself. That old adage holds very true. I think that I would resent being there for you in the way that you need me to, because I so often ignore those needs in myself. I CANT give you what I dont offer myself. Its just not humanly possible without resentment. I am sorry. I just dont have it right now.
I know you want me to let go and let God. I know that you are ready. I know that you have a vision and that it is I that keeps you from achieving it. I know that it is my fear and my determination to keep things status quo, that keeps you from blossoming into all that you are. I know that I will have to relinquish this unhealthy compulsion, but I dont know how. I dont want to lose. And letting go feels like giving up, which equals losing in my book. I yearn to live from the depths of my entire being. My desires may not seem real to you, but the pain of living beneath my potential is. My fears are. And my desire to live and grow and be well are just as strong as yours. HOw do you let go, when letting go could mean death? How do you reconcile this? How? I really really want to know. Seriously.
To be continued.
01 April, 2008
Lady in Waiting
...waiting for God to give me permission to live in Glory
...waiting for God to give me permission to be my best
...waiting for God to give me permission to live the life he gave me to the fullest
waiting...
still
...waiting for God to give me permission to be my best
...waiting for God to give me permission to live the life he gave me to the fullest
waiting...
still
18 March, 2008
Forgotten Memories
I am a student of life. I love my mind and THE MIND! I am obsessed with humanity and its corresponding spirituality. I can clearly see the connection between the two, in a lot of places that most people I encounter cannot. It used to haunt me, but now I can accept it. Problem is...and this is serious. I wanted to blog about it in depth, but I am really not sure where to go next with this, so I will just keep it pretty general.
This past sunday after a wonderful weekend, of spending time with family, baking brownies with sister and just having fun, I journaled early in the AM. It is my favorite time, Sunday mornings, because they are lazy and my man and children are asleep and God can have me to Herself. :) I walk around, sipping water, REALLY paying attention. Just enjoying the moment that I am in with no noise, no distractions. Well after yoga and a healthy breakfast and light cleaning (yes I have been on top of it! House stays neat!) I sat down at my computer for a little free-writing. I started to ask God about the guilt that I feel. I am always feeling guilty for something in my life. Whether it be saying yes, when I want to say no or visa versa. I feel guilty for not wanting to always k.i.t with my fam. I feel guilty for not being MORE than I am sometimes. Some is warranted, most is irrational. So I decided to ask God for help. As I have finally reached critical mass, and am ready to let go of it.
What came next distrubed me. Now if you are a writer, then I'm sure ther are times where words just seem to flow out of you. With you as the watcher. Well I had one of those times. I sat there watching the screen for what would come next...as I truly had NO IDEA! I wathced my fingers as they deftly and efficently typed NONSTOP for seven pages. SEVEN full pages were typed. And in them a revelation that SHOOK up my world. I had typed, IN DETAIL, an occurence that happened to me as a little girl. While I typed, I saw images of things. Clear as if I were in the day. I saw my little girl legs, I saw my clothes, I knew my surroundings, though they were vague. I saw my mothers face as a young woman, probably a little younger than I am. I saw what she wore. I heard what she thought. I had an awareness that was above and beyond that of a child, but at the same time, I was aware that I was infact a youngun!
I am afraid. I dont know what to do. Because what I wrote, if spoken with my mouth could shake up my ENTIRE FAMILY! I have reason to believe that a person who I grew up with pretty closely, did something he didn't have any business. And after reading this back to myself I was shocked. In these pages were insights that I have never known. But they were so vivid and so clear and so FAR from where the journalling was originally going...well not really. It TOTALLY explained where my GUILT stems from. The writing explained how this occurence has altered my life, pointing out situations to THIS DAY, specific situations, where I am affected by this, without having had conscious knowledge of what happened. I am afraid. It all makes too much sense. It all makes PERFECT sense! There are so many feelings that I avoid in my life, because of this. I feel dirty and ashamed and guilty and now I am hesitant to even bring it up...because even though I KNOW its real and I believe it with all my heart to be TRUTH...I dont know what move to make next.
Let me point out, that I am aware that the obvious move is to seek therapy. However I must admit...I feel a bit weird about that. I mean what do I say?..I was writing one day and remembered that...oh yeah...I was molested as a youth! In fact, I think that's why I have intimacy and trust issues in my life. That is also why I avoid normal pleasure. That is why I am afraid of giving in to good feelings and LIVE in bad ones. I dont think I deserve to be happy or genuinely loved. I avoid friendship and even deeper connections with my closest family, because...I feel damaged. That is why at the age when my sexuality sprouted...I was hypersexual, then when I was unable to handle all that came with being sexual...I began to put on weight. To protect myself from having to feel sexuality at all. Sigh...and knowing all this...doesnt help. AT ALL!
I dont know why I am sharing this, or why I have not found it difficult to talk about with a few choice people. I know that there is nothing that is going to happen because of this. I guess its because even though it happened to me, and I feel pretty detached from it...I just can't accept it. Sigh...Oh well...
Back to life...back to reality, back to the here, and now, and then.
This past sunday after a wonderful weekend, of spending time with family, baking brownies with sister and just having fun, I journaled early in the AM. It is my favorite time, Sunday mornings, because they are lazy and my man and children are asleep and God can have me to Herself. :) I walk around, sipping water, REALLY paying attention. Just enjoying the moment that I am in with no noise, no distractions. Well after yoga and a healthy breakfast and light cleaning (yes I have been on top of it! House stays neat!) I sat down at my computer for a little free-writing. I started to ask God about the guilt that I feel. I am always feeling guilty for something in my life. Whether it be saying yes, when I want to say no or visa versa. I feel guilty for not wanting to always k.i.t with my fam. I feel guilty for not being MORE than I am sometimes. Some is warranted, most is irrational. So I decided to ask God for help. As I have finally reached critical mass, and am ready to let go of it.
What came next distrubed me. Now if you are a writer, then I'm sure ther are times where words just seem to flow out of you. With you as the watcher. Well I had one of those times. I sat there watching the screen for what would come next...as I truly had NO IDEA! I wathced my fingers as they deftly and efficently typed NONSTOP for seven pages. SEVEN full pages were typed. And in them a revelation that SHOOK up my world. I had typed, IN DETAIL, an occurence that happened to me as a little girl. While I typed, I saw images of things. Clear as if I were in the day. I saw my little girl legs, I saw my clothes, I knew my surroundings, though they were vague. I saw my mothers face as a young woman, probably a little younger than I am. I saw what she wore. I heard what she thought. I had an awareness that was above and beyond that of a child, but at the same time, I was aware that I was infact a youngun!
I am afraid. I dont know what to do. Because what I wrote, if spoken with my mouth could shake up my ENTIRE FAMILY! I have reason to believe that a person who I grew up with pretty closely, did something he didn't have any business. And after reading this back to myself I was shocked. In these pages were insights that I have never known. But they were so vivid and so clear and so FAR from where the journalling was originally going...well not really. It TOTALLY explained where my GUILT stems from. The writing explained how this occurence has altered my life, pointing out situations to THIS DAY, specific situations, where I am affected by this, without having had conscious knowledge of what happened. I am afraid. It all makes too much sense. It all makes PERFECT sense! There are so many feelings that I avoid in my life, because of this. I feel dirty and ashamed and guilty and now I am hesitant to even bring it up...because even though I KNOW its real and I believe it with all my heart to be TRUTH...I dont know what move to make next.
Let me point out, that I am aware that the obvious move is to seek therapy. However I must admit...I feel a bit weird about that. I mean what do I say?..I was writing one day and remembered that...oh yeah...I was molested as a youth! In fact, I think that's why I have intimacy and trust issues in my life. That is also why I avoid normal pleasure. That is why I am afraid of giving in to good feelings and LIVE in bad ones. I dont think I deserve to be happy or genuinely loved. I avoid friendship and even deeper connections with my closest family, because...I feel damaged. That is why at the age when my sexuality sprouted...I was hypersexual, then when I was unable to handle all that came with being sexual...I began to put on weight. To protect myself from having to feel sexuality at all. Sigh...and knowing all this...doesnt help. AT ALL!
I dont know why I am sharing this, or why I have not found it difficult to talk about with a few choice people. I know that there is nothing that is going to happen because of this. I guess its because even though it happened to me, and I feel pretty detached from it...I just can't accept it. Sigh...Oh well...
Back to life...back to reality, back to the here, and now, and then.
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