The nicest thing EVER!!!

I have been pondering lately the breakdown of REAL face-to-face communication. And how it seems to be a lost art form. There are many ways in which this is evident, just take a look at ALL THE WAYS we can communicate. And the ways are ever increasing and expanding. I have been thinking that this trend is creating a very ungrounded population. I must admit, the thought of communicating with someone honestly face to face is something that intimidates me...but give me an instant messenger and I can express myself perfectly...the only real difference is the feeling of vulnerability is removed. I dont have to sacrifice the intimacy that comes with REAL LIFE CONNECTIONS. I have been craving connection like its oxygen. I am beginning to suspect it is MUCH more important than I give it credit for. Anyway...I was thinking that I want my children to grow up knowing their family...and since my childhood, we have all kinda dispersed. I mean we get together on random holidays, first births and I'm sure I'll see them at funerals, where we will all gather and speak the goodness of the person who we've not connected for years...but why it gotta be like that? Why cant we just really K.I.T?
I have two aunties...one of them was the "young" auntie, who listened to 80's hip hop and was the one I wanted to be, when I was younger. She was pretty, could cook and drove her 90 Cavalier Z24 with the radio FULL BLAST! I was SO pimped out shotgun! (of course now she is not remembering ANY of that!!! and she wishes those young kids would turn down their music) And my other aunt is the wise one. She is the one who is the 'healthiest' person I know. She knows home remedies and exactly what to do or say to bring you back down to earth. They have both been attempting to make contact with me lately. They come and visit my children and even brought groceries and home-made goodies for us! NOw this is A LOT! We dont talk much, but they are extending an invitation, and I am hesitant to take it. But in my heart I know I should...I mean they made me FOOD. And I fully understand what a personal and beautiful gesture that is. I mean for someone to offer you food they've cooked is nice, but for them to cook something with YOU in mind--almost brings tears to my eyes. It is so personal in this technical world. I feel loved, and worthy. Its beautiful. I think I'm going to grab that branch.

You know what I want?

I want to be in mediation with God late at night, after my children are asleep. I want to have the loving energy of God wash over and throughout me, cleansing me of all my fear, insecurity, foolish desires, cloudy vision, hurt, pain, selfishness, judgement...blah blah blah. I know that a cleansing of this magnitude will probably be what we call painful. I will want to stop, and run back to the familiarity of the my life, but I will pray that God doesnt give in to my fear...and keeps going. Please ignore my cries and continue to purge all this 'hurt' from my mind, body, and soul. I will writhe and cry from the emotions that resurface. But I lived through them once...its okay to feel them again as they get ready to leave my consciousness. Once its complete, I will have that 'knowing' that I dont have to suffer through my past again. I will have that moment of clarity and peace that only happens after one goes thru such a transcendent experience. I will be exhausted, but joyfull. I will drift off into THE MOST restfull sleep one could imagine. I will dream vividly, and my body will be safe in the emcompassing warmth of God. His voice will whisper truth in my soul. I will feel His GOODNESS...permeating in and beyond my physical body. I will finally be at rest, knowing that He is real...and that love that I have fantasized about for SOO LONG is real also. And just like I had always heard, is ever present and always available to those who seek it. And I knocked, unto me it was opened and I have it. I AM it!

Blogdentity???

You know how when you go to someone's blog, you can get a pretty good feel for who they are, by what they talk about? Most of the blogs I go to are pretty clear what the people that wrote them value. I am not sure that I am liking how I am coming off. I mean, it must be true about me...because I dont lie about anything, but I just seems so...'troubled'. I mean...I do a lot of SELF stuff...like there arent any other things going on in my life. I have two BEAUTIFUL children...however the dont make it on the pages much. I have a man, who...okay I'm gonna leave that one alone, not feeling very happy right now. I have some truly miraculous things that happen to me on a regular. I have family, a few friends-ish. No real social life, but I feel so one dimensional and narcissistic. I truly am pretty much THE ENTIRE focus of my life. How can I move my role players into a more prominent position? (Is it wrong to consider other people role players? Or is that just a testiment to the size of myself in my own mind?) It is exhausting and depressing to only be able to see my neuroses and not how VERY important other people are in my life. I am blessed beyond BELIEF! Like for real, for real! But I only write about whats wrong, as if it really outweighs all the things that are right. Clothed in my right mind, I KNOW that is not the truth. But...

"Things"

I love straight flowing hair, but I wear mine natural and in a puff.
I love chic, fashionable clothing, but I wear *sigh*.
I love to love, but I avoid it like the plague.
I love to have "real" conversations, but I keep things superficial.
I love manicured nails and feet, but I keep biting my nails off.
I love unique beautiful things, but I buy dull monotonous things.
I love healthy living, but I dont subscribe to my love anymore. I fight my loves tooth and nail. I dont want to be who I know I am...I am fighting...and I am winning and losing at the same time. I think I am SKITZO!!!

Withdrawn

I have been withdrawn from life for so long, I am not sure how to get back in the game. For so long, I assumed that nothing I did really mattered in the big scheme of things, but I am noticing that inquiring minds want to know. People want to know how I am, what I do, how my family is...and I must confess...at first I would be very skeptical. Now, I'm figuring that I am the weird one. I would not ask questions about others lives. I am more than willing to listen if they want to talk, but I am just not good at this whole "friend" thing. I am trying. But it is hard. I have lost so many friends due to me continually turning down invites and just keeping my distance from them emotionally. I figure that getting close to another just opens me up for too much, and I will be overwhelmed. I guess its selfish not to be willing to share yourself with another human...but it is what it is.

Last night, I caught myself making smart comment after smart comment towards my man. And in my mind...I'm asking, "Why are you doing that?", "You seem to be against him not his partner" and I figured that maybe that is the way I keep him at bay. I dont share what I feel with him, because I dont know. He let me know a long time ago that emotional things was NOT something that he preferred to entertain, and instead of letting that go in one ear and out the other, I did what I have done since I can remember...I just shut them down. I just pretend that I dont have feelings. And I realized what that is costing me. It makes him think that everything is fine, when its not. It makes me lie to myself, and work extra hard to keep the truth inside, which of course can make you sick, depressed and left feeling very lonely. And as of late, I am CONSCIOUSLY trying to get in touch with ALL of the feelings that I have buried inside of me. Tucked neatly away, where I am not aware of them. Unfortunately, its been so long, I am afraid to look at whats there. But thats the only way I can be free...I am afraid to change. I am afraid to show up one day FEELING. What if people are turned off by someone so obviously sensitive? Someone who 'needs' closeness and intimacy? What if no one wants to be around someone like that? (I know I am turned off by that) Well then I guess that saves me the trouble of pushing people away huh? Cant push away whose not there.

I feel like for so many years, I have been on this path of trying to hide myself. I tried to dull myself down, pretend that there is nothing at all worthy in myself. Pretend that I dont feel like I deserve to be happy. And for what??? So that I could 'identify' with the world around me? Well the world around me is dying of lack of love and lack of passion. Lack of integrity, Lack of truth. And I am tired of pretending that living at half throttle is okay. I am tired of feeling like I need a savior. I am tired of pretending that what I need is an external change of some sort. I am just plain tired...

How do I know its time for a makeover?

...Well not just because I havent switched up my style in FOREVER!! Not just because I have no real discernable personal "style" at all...not just because the call for a more personalized "me" is calling from the depths of my soul, but because of two occurences that happened less than 12 hours apart.


Setting: Last night on the couch with my man.

Me: I am so lazy, I dont feel like washing anything...so I am going to wear "the" skirt tomorrow. (few minutes elapses and I feel anxiety)

Me: I can't believe I am going to wear a skirt tomorrow.

Nard: You should wear more skirts, you look very good in them. Besides, whats the big deal...you ARE a girl. (he says this as IF I dont know *sigh*) But come to think of it...you dont do ANYTHING that girls do. Dress up...comb your hair!

Me: Sticking tongue out! But definately taking it in. He notices. How would he not?...but he SAID something. *Sigh*

Fast forward to today...My office manager is walking toward me...she excitedly exclaims with MUCHO ENTHUSIASM!!! "Oh that is SO COOL what you've done with your hair!!!"

Me: Copnfused look, because all I did was make my puff a bit higher today. (yes I was rushing again)

Her (upon closer examination-with slight disappointment): "Oh thats just the ribbon in your hair"...then she adds hopefully, "I thought you had burgundy highlights".

Me: Okay, Okay I get it!!!! I NEED a change. SIGH!

I'm Baaaaaaaack!!!

Okay...Yall know I suck right?? Cuz I have not a picture that I can put on the computer of my baby. But I had my son...FINALLY!!! Little Mr. Xavien (pronounced Zay-vee-in)Isaac was born on December 11th! He was 7 lbs, 8 oz. Born at 9:43 pm. I dont have the internet at home...there have been so many things I wanted to share with yall...and I'm bout to have a time going thru all of your blogs to see what has been going on with yall!!! I have been having some serious withdrawals! But you know what kind of withdrawals...I am NOT having...DRUGS! Why you ask??? Cuz I had natural childbirth!! NO PAIN MEDICATION AT ALL! Now if you read my blog...you KNOW that was NOT the plan! However, I guess God had a different plan, because the freakish turn of events left me in the MOST AGONIZING pain that I could have ever imagined! However...that experience was unlike any other. I know what it is to LABOR for love! Could I have lived my life without that??? YES! Would I change it? Not on your life. I have proved that there is nothing that I cannot do! I am TRULY A G! Well my one year old, has taken very nicely to being a big brother. He is so attentive to the baby, and even tries to comfort him when he cries. Its so sweet! I am so thankful, this holiday season has been magical. Christmas was great...lots of family...EVEN MORE FOOD! And no gestational diabetes...so I could load up on carbs as much as I wanted!!!!nd by the way...If anyone didnt know...BREASTFEEDING IS THE BOMB! It helped me avoid postpartum depression (as did the drug free birth, I believe) and I have lost 30 lbs already! I see why people breastfeed til their kids are five! lol NO I DONT! But I have been reading too many articles about it. Sorry...once a tooth starts to appear, ITS OVER! Done deal! Its not been long, but I am glad to be back at work. This is so gay...but I really missed yall...I have to check yall out now, so I'mm cut this short! Talk to you soon!