Setting the WILD CHILD free!

Just read this article, http://www.ediets.com/news/article.cfm/cmi_2426398/code_30177, and it got me to thinking...I am so feeling this! Food does create some sort of release or comfort when you arent able to do what is inside your heart to do. Dangerous game to play tho...What little ways can I add to my life to allow my 'wild child' expression?

Wear sexy panties, for no reason at all.
Dance EVERY day!
Play with fashion--to try and incorporate my style with this somewhat conservative environment.
Wear my FULL curly fro to work one day--have yet to wear it BIG!
Flirt! With everyone I see! (ha ha I do this anyway)
Plan a weekend getaway...even if its local. To explore new nouns (people, places and things)
Take a class (taking belly dancing starting next Friday!! so excited about that one!)

So yeah...I'm on my way! I really dont wanna be housewifey? Unless I can be that fly housewife, whose home is fabulous, business handled, but still has a life outside of "responsiblities". Peace.

I dont trust sales people

I dont know why...I guess I dont trust people that solicit because they are trained in the art of persuasion...and I can be vulnerable to advertising. There have been countless times in my life, where I have been coerced or taken over by marketing and sales ploys, just to get home and wonder..."why the hell did I do this?" I hate that feeling, the feeling of being pressured. To conform, to submit, to have my decision be affected by YOUR intentions...bugs the hell out of me. That is why normally I stay away from most home businesses disguised as "parties", candle people, jewlelry people, avon people, and any kind of pyramid program...which brings me to...One of my dearest and yes only friends is coming over today...to introduce me and my man (again) to the business that she is in. It is a pyramid program...and I dont like them. They always make sense to me...but Im just not interested. I dont want her to waste her time...but how do I tell her (again, sigh) that this is not where my heart is? While yes, I would like to make more money...cuz me finances are a bit mangled, I want to make it...MY way. Or God's way...and I seriously doubt that God wants me to get involved in this. It doesnt help anyone in any way. And not to say that anything I do has to save the world...but I need to feel personal satisfaction of a job well done in anything that I undertake. I have to feel effective and that I am doing something worthwhile...not just "making money". Noone understands that tho. They think that just because EVERYONE seems to be driven and motivated by money, that I should be too. And I understand why they feel that way...but I am and always have been a bit different. And I think thats good. I am motivated by personal feelings of success and accomplishment, as opposed to outward appearances of success and accomplishments. Yes...its hard to be that way in a world, where you are supposed to flaunt what you have, but I would much rather be subtle and celebrate what I have. And its hard for me to celebrate empty things. Things achieved for the purpose of achieving things. In my heart, I know I will celebrate my humanitarian efforts, my generosity, and one day, my love for ALL of humanity. And my wealth will come. I do plan on being wealthy monetarily as well. But I just dont want to even focus any of my attention on anything that is not working toward any of my spiritual goals. Its like wanting to go into politics, yet choosing to work in construction...as opposed to working in a politicians office. It just doesnt make sense to me. And if it doesnt work for me then I cant indulge. I feel a bit dogmatic in my approach, and yes she asked me what was I scared of? Salesperson tactic. I responded nothing--this is just not what I want to do. She asked me how did I know, if I havent even heard her out? I answered...I just know. Cuz I DO NOT LIKE PYRAMIDS. If you make money off of me making money, and the only way for me to make money is to recruit more people to do this...that is not for me. I like regular growth. I make money because I see a need and fill it. If it is a good cause, then I will not have to "convince" people to join me . It will be a natural evolution of a good thing growing. Sigh! But she is still coming over. Pray that I can make it thru this without signing up! lol (smile) Sike..I will--I aint got no money for this anyway.

Live and Learn...and Learn...and Learn

~i prayed for this...i prayed for strength...but i did not expect to be exercised to get it...i just thought it was going to placed in me. Am I spoiled or what?

Well yesterday...I was posting on Unknowns Blog...and she spoke of not understanding what was next...well come to find out...the "wisdom" I "thought" I imparted was much more for me...I thought the next logical step was to be able to be you and let everyone else be them...and someohow be unaffected by it all. I wrote it so matter of factly like it was nothing. Like once you knew who you were, just do you baby! WRONG! And my life in such a short time has confirmed just how wrong I was. First of all...you should never assume that you know you. You are ever evolving, especially if you have a prayer life. There is so much to be revealed to you...and I suspect that will go on forever. We probably dont even have enough time to know it all. (so why do i feel i must pretend to? hmm) After each prayer ...you are not the same. If you had a breakthru...even if its one you had 3 months ago...your mind and heart expands a little each time. Your understanding grows and you literally change...so there is not such thing as just BE YOU in the world...and let anyone else be them. Life is so much more than me and you anyway. Yesteday on the way home...I felt my mans melancholy. He is really depressed right now. And so of course his moods are not the greatest and his outlook is dim at best. He feels uneffective and just worthless. Our son is his only brightspot in his otherwise dismal life. And so I asked him gently, If he was interested in starting a relationship with God...and he thought for a moment...and then replies..."I dont ever think about Him...so I guess the answer is no!" I was shell shocked. I mean...I was at a loss for words. And for me that is rare! Later we were talking about our situation...and he kept asking me HOW things were goign to work out...and my response was always, I dont know...but I have faith that its going to work out. And I tried to show him many times in our lives where miracles happened, when we didnt know how, but it just didnt resonate with him...as those being God experiences. And my mind went crazy, attacking him, judging him...criticizing him for him not being "like" me. Trying to be more spritual...and its not just him. I criticize my mom and my sister for not being more aware. Why? I wonder...If I'm trying to think about God and live for Him is everyone else not...It would sure make things easier for" me". But this is not supposed to be easy...but it is supposed to help me grow. And they are not always the same. I know what I need to do now...I need to find enough confidence in my faith to live it without requiring that everyone around me coroborate MY story. After all when it becomes an issue of ME, God has moved to second place...and that is certainly not the space I want him to occupy.
Please God, help me to know you better. Help me to hear you and feel your peace in, up and thoroughout my life. Help me to be love everyone as you love me. Without judgement, with the highest love and patience. Help me to feel gratitude for alternative views, since that proves that I am not alone. In my search for truth. The struggles I face, different from others, but ultimately just the same. We are all searching for you...I can see that. Sometimes we get so afraid of what is out here...that we draw back...but I know we all seek you and I pray that we all find you. so that together...we can BE the GOOD that you see in us. God...I am struggling to exist in this world. I feel like everything is tryign to get me away from you. Please illuminate the way that is directly to you...so that there is less confusion. Thank you. Love

Good Morning!

I am not having a very good morning. I woke up early...still left late. Made a lunch...dropped in in the driveway. Took the road with no contruction...drove behind the slowest cars EVER the whole 20 miles!! Dreamed about work...so I never really left. Tried to be nice and wake my man up so he can go get a J-O-B this morning...and he dragged his feet!!! Tried to pray...but the taunting voice just kept laughing at my folly . Ha hahahahaha Yes this has been a character building morning. My mom was at my house when I got home yesterday...and ...not going there...let me get down to business.

Thank you God for keeping me aware of your presence behind the incidents that have occured in this day so far. Thank you for allowing me to hear my thoughts and feel my emotions brewing a storm in my mind and body-threatening to rob me of my precious peace. Thank you for reminding me that You are much bigger than ALL of my circumstances. Thank you for expanded perspectives that helped to ease my pain and not blame outside sources...even tho...(smile). Thank you for keeping me in a place that I was able to view the events from a heightened perspective so that I was not completely caught up in them. And thank you for reminding me that when I write...I can free myself of anything. And further more...thank you so much for the free back massage that my building is offering. If there was ever a day when I could use it...it is today...and you in all your KNOWING and Grace have once again provided everything I could ever need. You did not stop the events of this day...but you have reminded me that no matter what happens you are here. And when I took a minute to pause...you let me know...that my exterior experience and myself were not one. I am one with YOU! For this and all my life...I thank you. I love you. First and Always. Keelah

Beautifully Human

I met this guy yesterday...He was so beautiful. I was stopped at a red light, where I stop mostly everyday. And everyday there is at least one homeless person up underneath the overpass. I always speak, even if I dont give any money. I want them to know that they are acknowleged. That somewhere out there in this busy azz self important world...someone does SEE them. I feel the same way they do sometimes. I look at you, hoping that you recognize me. That you can help me-to know...but we are all so busy, busy, busy! Trying to get there from here...Digressing..I look at the guy and flash him a smile...and spoke. And he hunched over his sign a bit and then popped it open like he was flashing me! It was hilarious! I had to talk to him. I called him over and asked him his name and blessed him. In spirit and in cash. He took it and offered me my blessings...then as he maneuvered back through traffic, he unfolded the bill and his eyes lit up. He was so excited! He screamed at me...God Bless you! It felt good to give. At first I judged myself and said I gave because he amused me. Like..."Dance monkey, DANCE!" Because honestly I was okay with just speaking...but when I went beyond that taunting bitch! who doesnt really know me at all...I realized that I offered to him because he was me. He was a spiritual being living a human experience. Except in his life story...he had no home, no job...none of the physical trappings that offer false security to most humans in this world...but what he did have, despite what it looked like...was spirit. He had a sense of humor...and the ability to laugh. I loved him in that moment. Because he instantly and reminded me of THE truth. Spirit is free. And in any given moment...nothing else really matters. Being alive is not accumulation or acquisitions, or status or wealth, or beauty or health even (tho life sure feels better with them)...Being alive is being here. Fully present. And able to enjoy whatever moment you find yourself in. Thank you, Dude! For a second I wondered...what if he were Jesus? Did I do good? I think I did. I entered the moment with him and in that moment...we were ONE. So thankfull! Love. First and Always.

Sometimes... you gotta switch it up

There is this mistake I keep making at work. And its not carelessness. Its an easy mistake to make. But the thing is that as much concentration as I put into it, to avoid making changes...it keeps happening. The suggestions that have been offered to me...dont sound like "my" style. Okay...TRUTH! It isnt the way that I normally do it. So I dont want to have nothin to do with it. Especially since the suggestion implies or acutuallyconfirms that MY way isnt the best way. God just showed me that the suggested way is not harder...just different. It leaves no room for error, which means no apologizing and embarrassed feelings. No explanations. And for all of those reasons, this way is much easier. Just another way...it was revealed to me where I was not, despite my words, willing to change. Now that that madness is over with...Back to work. Carrying on, yall! Carryin on!

Thankful for the clarification!

Random Thank-full-ness

I am still waiting for permission. I am still waiting on God to come and save my life. Didnt he already do that? I mean I AM HERE, right?! Correct me if I'm wrong...but is it crazy to pray every day for a more fulfilled life, but ignore the plethora of opportunities that come forward to help me live the best life that I can. Is it insane to pray for better and more honest relationships, then hold in what is in my heart to say or do...because I am uncomfortable expressing. Isnt it strange to say...God help me to keep your peace in my heart?...but then every time something comes along to try and steal that peace, I just forfeit. Give up quick and let the anger, hurt, guilt, depression or whatever other faces the devil wears just take over. Have free reign of my life. Well...I am going to go ahead and accept the PERMISSION GRANTED! Sometimes I get so caught up in "head stuff" that I dont even acknowlege how good life is becoming...right before my eyes. I refuse to see how much I have changed, and how upon close examination...my entire life has changed. No...not drastically. But there is marked joy in times and places where there was once only worry. There is more honestly in places where there was only avoidance. There is patience where there was frustration. And I feel hopeful about some things that I used to feel totally pessimistic about. I have belly laughed more times in the past week, than I did the past year. Life is feeling pretty good right now. See God...I AM paying attention. (smile) And I'm thankful that I came with the built in currency. I love you. And I thank you. And as I say every night...please continue to help me open up and receive You in all your Glory! Take the parts of me that are afraid and hold them. Comfort them. Love them and help me to do the same. I am willing. Beyond my fear...I AM WILLING! Beyond my doubt...I AM willing. Beyond what I can see and so far beyond my wildest dreams...God, I am willing! Please...Use me! I am worthy. I am ready...to let go. Everything that I focus on I pray it is elevated to fulfill what YOU want. I am willing to lay my ego down to rest...she's tired anyway. Ha ha...Love. First and Always. K