It's Gone Be Nice

I am so loving Yolanda Adams CD--well I cant say her whole CD cuz I only listen to track one and my FAVORITE--track 7 sweetly titled "Its Gone Be Nice" When I first heard it..it was on Timas Ipod--and it touched something in me that I was not aware of before. Its a song of faith and positive affirmation and just Trust in God. I am going thru a God thang...so bear with me If you dont know him and if you already do--please pray for me cuz I'm drawing closer to him despite my fears.

Its gone be nice
Its gone be nice
Whatevers in store for me...its gone be nice
Its crazy right now, Lord
but thats when you shine
I cant stop shouting cuz...its gone be nice

WELL!

What my future holds

AT this point in my life...I am teetering back and forth between total belief that every dream and goal in my mind and heart are on their way to fruition in my life and who am I to dream this big? I dont understand how I can be on both ends of the spectrum in such a short period of time...but it is the way it is. But how it is...is NOT how its going to be. I dont want for much at this point. So just to prove this to myself...I wanted to "see" what it is that I really want right now.

I want to be debt free (yes I know that I worded that wrong according to The Secret--which I LOVE) but I do. I want to have zero balances on everything except my bank statements. For that I would love to have 10,000 dollars in savings.

I want for my home to be beautifully decorated in a way that IS ME!

Ideally, I would love to own my own beatiful home--see above.

I want for me and my man to have the deepest REAL relationship that we can have!

I want to have authentic connections to everyone in my life (we seem to all be the walking dead lately--going around repeating our stories about ourselves as if on autopilot)**will ponder this later--for real!

I want to enjoy social activities with like minded individuals.

I want to be a loving and VERY present mother to my wonderful son.

I want to own my own business that is geared toward self love for black women in the form of loving and embracing their unique beauty.

I want to write books and maybe do some speaking (getting a little less clear here)

I would love to have a new car--specifically a LaCrosse. I need a four door with having to put my son in and out of the back seat...and the luxury and beauty part of it--thats for me!

I want my Rivi fixed and running right.

I want a beautiful closet FULL of clothes that fit well and are beautiful and expressive of my personality.

I want to always remain in the conscious presence of God--like every moment of every day!

I want to have JOY, JOY, JOY in my heart! ALL THE TIME!

Now for most of these--I feel like it is inevitable...but for most of the ones that I cant "see" a way for right now...I feel more doubtful. But really...I didnt ask to build a rocket(but psh--i could prolly do that if I wanted to)...I just asked to build my life and have it be a comfortable space for me to exist. Is that unrealistic? Doesnt sound like too much to ask. I guess this is where you begin to exercise your God given will and faith that his gifts to us are real. I struggle with this presently, but I will continue to put myself in the way of the Lord--he is gonna really have to swerve to miss my big black behind--cuz I am here. I am Ready. And I pray for my small self to be opened up to the abundance that is rightfully mine. I know that I dont have desires such as these for no reason. I know what I want deep inside me. It is there as it has always been, whether I chose to acknowledge and love it or deny it as I was taught to do. Please God...help me to love myself, all of me. My divine spirituality, and my divine humanity. Please help me to accept Good from YOU! Please let me know that I am worthy of your blessings. And I am worthy of THE GREATEST LOVE! I know I am...but I dont believe it in my heart. Please open my heart and flood my mind with YOU. Thank you for listening--NOW and ALL WAYS! And so it is. I love you.

Sang...like no ones listening!

I can sing. I'm not the greatest...but I have a very nice voice. And I know what to do with it. How to use it. But if someone were to ask me to sing...I get all bashful and embarrased and decline...FIRMLY! As me and embarrassmennt are a sensitive mix. I dont like that feeling..AT ALL!! I dont seem to get over embarrassment the way most people seem to. It really STICKS...I can remember almost everything, if not EVERY moment that I have ever been embarrassed. When I have ever went out...no matter how hypnotic the music was...or how drunk I got...I could never let go and just become one with the music...body and spirit. If you ask me to think of a solution or a plan...I will happily assist you with that...but to express something other than my thought processes is a terrifying thought to me. It FRIGHTENS THE BE-HAYSOOS out of me!!! Why? Well it would require me to be in a vulnerable positon. What would people say about my dance technique? What if they noticed that I couldnt dance like a professional? (as if?) What if they noticed that I didnt sing like Whitney or Aretha? (double as if?) Then what? I would feel embarrassed...how dare I even try to do anything that people out there can do better? Is this weird? It sounds like it...but this is how I feel. Sigh! Well on my way home from work...I SING! My heart out...sometimes I even cry while doing it...because something in me just lets go..and tho scary the feeling is overwhelming and GOOD. Sometimes its the song...a lot of times its just emotions that seem to be freed when I really sing with all I've got. Good or bad, pitchy or not. Just the act of doing something with all I've got...with passion and unabandon...feels SOO GOOOD! I often imagine that I am being this way in front of people that I know...but honestly I dont see that ever happening. When I dance...yes stiffly--and circa '85...I feel so good!! So confident, and I understand the fact that practice makes perfect...at home of course. I could never do that in public...cuz even tho it should be about me and what I want to do...its not. Its about what people are thinking about me...Do they think I've got some nerve to even try to dance? Sigh I dont want to choose what I do based on what I "think" others are thinking. But this behaviour is so deeply ingrained in me...and I have such a fear attached to it. I dont even think I want to write this. How dare I admit that I have insecurities? How dare I make myself open to criticism and ridicule? Or maybe its quite possible that I am opening myself up...to understanding and encouragement? Could it be that this world is not as rough as I think it is? Am I looking at my world thru shit colored glasses? Ha ha...could be huh?

What am I afraid of?

I am a writer. Dont know if I will ever publish any books or start the magazine that I plan on doing. Probably will...but I dont know. This blog is a good thing for me. I get to express myself in the way that is most comfortable for me...WONDERFUL WORDS!! I LOVE them. They are the bomb. I love reading blogs just to see what other people are doing in their lives...but I hesitate when it comes to really share something that up until recently, I have held very close and personal...my life. At first glance...I just thought I didnt share because I dont do much. I work, play with my son, spend time with my man...and THINK. Which I shouldnt discount, because it takes up A LOT of my day. Using my mind...IS MOST of my LIFE! Could be a problem...as a matter of fact probably is...but this is where I am right now. Very mental at the expense of actually living my life. I believe (against my best wishes) that if actually put myself into making this blog...REAL (for lack of a better word) that it could be very therapeutic for me...Maybe I wont be so afraid of being my WHOLE self in real life. Maybe I can come to grips with the fact that maybe I am not really a bad person at all...and maybe there are other people out there...that actually FEEL ME. And if not..at the very least...I can unload this shit off my chest. Maybe getting it out is all I need to do to find...rest. I hope so...I am actually terrified at the "thought" of putting pictures of my life...and goals and dreams...innermost thoughts, and life lessons. Somehow it makes me feel too accountable...what if I fail? And the whole world has the opportunity to see it? Not that a lot of people read my blog, lol. By the way thanks Monnie and Shai!!! Yall made my day! Monica...you are my first "reply"!!! Sweet huh? Well it was to me. Well I guess my project for this weekend is to add photos and real stuff...hope I dont chicken out...sigh! Til later. Love.

I cry sometimes

I am alone. I am singular. I am alone. I feel nothing becaues I can only feel what I can see. But if that were true...then why do I feel so hurt? Why does my pain want to cry out!! And beg for love. Shamelessly...It doesn't care what it "looks" like or what people think about it! It only matters that it gets what it needs. Like air, without it...we die. Depseration is encroaching my heart as I reach for anything that resembles or "could" resemble the love that I seek. I look into my fathers eyes. Are you there love? And if you are, might I have a bit to tide me over until I find my REAL LOVE? You dont have enough to spare? Its okay. I can make do witht he memory of love, then. I look into my lovers arms. I follow him wherever he may go. I am searching for that warm embrace that will shield me from this cold heartless world. But his hands are busy protecting his chest. He cannot offer me the comfort and solace that I so desperately need right now. I look into my child's face...so much like my own. I can'teven bear the thought of taking anything from him. He is so precious. So pure. So untainted. I dare not touch him lest he get dirty too.

Where do I go? To God, but where is that? And what if God himself turns his back on me too? Then what? Who am I? That I cant find this love that is supposed to be literally all around me? Why? How much pain must I endure before I get the secret key to open this locked box around my heart? I want to cry, but my ducts have turned to stone. I AM ALONE. And my pain is all my own. Help me.

Let there be peace...And there IS!

I was just thinking how Awesome our creator is. And I thought how in the beginning of the Bible...it says in the beginning there was the WORD...and the word was with God...and how the word IS God. (yes I take that to be literal) And i thought about how we are the only species that can actually speak "words". OOh what a gift that is. I mean...we create with our words in the same way he did. Well thats what I believe anyway. Well not ultimately...I believe that our creative power lies heavily in what we say, but also what we feel, think and believe in our heart of hearts to be true. I think that when he commanded that there be light...and there was!!! That is like the MOST AWESOME example ever of how we are to create in our own little worlds. I mean...If we actually said with complete knowing that what we commanded would be, the way that he did. No doubts or fears or anxieties or what ifs? No mental contradictions...or worries. How super spectacular could that be? How spectacular it IS!! Hmm what have I been commanding in my world...lets take a look at the things that are showing up....
~Somewhere along the lines, I must have said let there be not enough...cuz it seems that I can never get enough, never have enough, never be enough.
~I must have also said let there be as little joy as possible--mustve been a challenge just to see if I could actually live like this!
~I also said let there be stress--cuz I use any circumstance as a portal into a stressful place!
~I also commanded that I have the maximum number of hurdles on the way to my destination.(wherever that is?)
Why did I do this? Maybe to test and see how strong I am...but since I do have control over this I am gonna go ahead and re-decide how I'm gonna do this life thang! Ya know! It is after all MY prerogative to change MY mind...and live in the way I WANT to live. God has a plan for my life and I greatly suspect that it is much more abundant than this!! I decided that I am going have enough for all the things I need AND want--as they are both important to me. I dont know how...but thats not my job. I am just deciding NOW that I have enough. Better yet...I have MORE than enough. I even have enough to share. Because I am more than enough...and I deserve to live to my FABULOUS potential. I am also deciding that my life will overflow with JOY! Why? Why not? If I am to be here for any length of time...why not In-Joy every aspect of it. Just the act of receiving breath. Loving and allowing my whole self to be loved. To take notice of what it means to truly be alive...and align myself with that. Sounds good. I dwell in Joy! PERIOD.
I also command that my path is smooth and easy. Not easy as in no obstacles, but easy as in aligned with my purpose. I dont want to put unecessary burdens on myself...just to rough myself up along the way! Ludicrous! But thats the way its been. Well now that I know...the only thing left to do...is CHANGE! I love you, God!

Just as I AM...

What is so bad about the way God made me? What exactly is the problem? I am 5'10--taller than most men that I know. God made me tall so that I could see beyond what my focus was on. Isnt he the bomb! I have a dangerously curvy body. Bodacious! Isnt that awesome? Yessir--IT IS! I have smooth chocolate skin--tanned all year round! Yes its wonderful to be me! I have a head full of thick curls--that I can wear straight, wavy or fro'd out! Isnt that AWESOME? I have a smile that lights up the room or my soul when I feel weary...I know I am the ish! I am compassionate and I have the ability to look into the soul of my fellow man...or woman. That is truly a gift. I am humble. I try not to be sometimes, because people take advantage of that...but I know who I am--and honestly, more and more, I am fine with that. I am honest. I struggle sometimes with motivation, discipline, or my ability to dream. But I know that I will overcome EVERY obstacle that appears to be in my way. Because I am built to succeed, despite what I have convinced myself to believe. I am a trendsetter...I create waves with only my presence. I am a powerful woman. And a woman...INDEED!!! Such a wonderful gift...my femininity. I appreciate all of the gifts that I possess within myself. and I am also thankful for all the ones that are there that I have yet to embrace. I am so thankfull for you God. For making me-- and allowing me to be ....JUST AS I AM. I love you.