Whew

I havent been here in a while.  I've toyed around with the idea of starting another blog, as I realized that I felt this one was outdated...

But...upon further speculation and re-reading some of my past posts...I absolutely adore this blog!!  It was a beginning of sorts.  I didnt think so at the time, but it was.  Lots of beauty happening in Hades.  I WAS being rebuilt. 

I'm baaaaaack! 

I gotta do it!

I finally figured it out. Why I feel so repressed and unsatisfied. Because I am NOT allowing myself to have the opportunity to live my dreams. I have always dreamed big. Shit, I cant help it. I am a dreamer by creation. I have always seen big and grand things for myself. My tastes have always been waaay outside of my 'belief range' ...and I didnt have anyone to really encourage my high flying ideals. Most people around me had had their dreams dismissed already, so the advice I tended to get was, "Be realistic" or repeated comments about my head being "in the clouds"...

I tried to supplement my REAL dreams with other dreams that were much more palatable to my world. I tried to be an entrepeneur, doing something that I can do well...customer service. I figured, that would be easy right? NO. Its never easy, when its not RIGHT!

What I want to do... seems far fetched in a way, but in a lot of ways, its closer to me than anything. Because I ponder it daily. I practice it daily. I dream of it daily. I fantasize on it daily. And I exercise it daily. I'm like an athelete, who has yet to put himself in the draft pool.


I dont know if I really have any talent, or if its all in my head. But truth be told, I BELIEVE that I can be successful at this craft. I am an artist. I have always known it. Tried to find other, lesser ways of expressing it. But thats not working. I have to try this. I HAVE to. I do not wish to live with regret, over something so HUGE to me. I want to look at my sons and say...GO FOR YOUR DREAMS!!!! And mean it.

I will do that. For them and for me! I dont have to be the biggest or the best...but I have to be!!

Off to do research. I have one month before this ball gets rolling. Life is about to get super busy...but it will be BEYOND WORTH IT.

Wish me luck!

Keelah

Its getting harder and harder to get out of bed.

That is all.

Blahxmas-fuckitallhate this life-blah, chunk, blah!!!

I do all the right things.
I speak affirmatively.
I dont let little things get me down.
I give whenever someone is in need and I can help.
I speak life over situations.
When someone approaches me in a foul mood, I do what I can to dissemenate it.
I pray and meditate daily.
I do my best at forgiving myself and all others (not the easiest)
I dream BIG!!!
I try.

I try and fake it til I make it... Hoping that one day...I will make it.

I hope today is the day, I hope today is the day...

Alas, today is NOT that day. I am SO THANKFUL that my children are healthy, strong, intelligent and loving!! I am so thankful that they enjoyed their holiday and their family IMMENSELY! I am glad that they didnt seem to notice the death that has become mommy, that envelopes me this time of year all the time.

I am glad they did not see me cry this time. Besides, tears do dry on their own. But who do I become to accomdate all these tears?

A bigger better FAKER version of my former self. I'm tired. And 'trying' at life, is making me even more tired.

I try at love. I try at happiness. I try. And for a moment, I get improvement. Makes me feel like I really CAN do this. Then... in a split second... I return to me. And here I am.

But in true fashion...I shall smile and generate my 'happy' persona so that noone will know my agony. Life is just GRAND!!

Wakeelah I. Everfield

Update

I just got a call. The new tenant that has brought all of the drama, is being evicted TODAY! Nice and easy solution to the problem. Does it help me feel more safe? We'll see...

Still perusing housing ads.

I havent blogged. I havent had much to say. I have had some good days, I have had some bad days. Lately... My mood has been better, but my life has been worse. Go figure!

Long story short...the wonderful, beautiful, affordable place close to my job that was my absolute DREAM for a start over for my boys and I is a BUST! Its all of the above still...but VERY UNSAFE. Now...on a non-existent budget, I have to move us again. Sigh*

I was hoping to not move in the winter anymore...but too many thugs, too many crackbitches, too many police incidents, too many jokahs trying to 'get wit me' and 'kick.it.with.my children' to get close to me....TOO MUCH!

Too many lost keys, too many 'strange' occurences...I really think someone was IN OUR SPACE yesterday. IN MY SPACE!!! I hurt. I havent slept well in about 2 months, I am running on the bare minimum...and I dont know what to do. Only thing I know for sure, is that we must move, and we must do so soon.

If anyone still visits, please assist me in affirming our new beautiful, affordable, centrally located, safe and FABULOUS new place!! I do believe there is power in numbers!

I feel gloomy, and down...thats not my intent.

My children and I have a wonderful relationship. This motherhood thing is quite nice!
My familly and I are gelling better...still must call my cousin. Sigh* I love you girl!
My childrens father and I relationship is EXCELLENT! I think we should write a book on how to avoid baby mama/daddy drama. Chapter 1: Dont EVER refer to each other as baby daddy and mama. (digressing)
My new friend and I are both making moves seperately and together and its wonderful. I enjoy him much! His soul was sent here to soothe me. He does it well! ;) Aye papi!
Eating habits are changing... lost a few lbs.
Oh yeah...I have a job!

Good things are happening, but when your safety and piece of mind feels threatened...it kinda overshadows everything else. I try and think of my business, my social life, my APPEARANCE, my LIFE!!! but when I start to think on these things, I have to snap my ass right back to reality. Chick...you are not SAFE!! It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that your children are safe...So...here we go again.... I know the next place will work out, and be better than this one, because at this point in life, I can only make lateral moves...but geez!!! Welp! Here we go!

Have a fab day!

Good Life

We moved. We love. We left some things behind. And we are eagerly anticipating moving forward with clarity, strength, spiritual honesty and LIFE!!! My family is in such a better place...because mommy finally had the faith and motivation to make the 'tough' decisions. I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for what is right and just. I am proud of myself to pray with all that I am to release my past and step BOLDLY into the NOW! I am so proud and excited to live the life that I often times dreamed, but never dared reach for. Each day is a new day...and no matter what, I will find a reason to smile and be grateful in EACH AND EVERY ONE! There are too many little things to be thankful for... so I will just extend the most sincere and complete THANK YOU GOD...that I have ever uttered. Because only you know what this truly means . I thank you in advance for your plans for my life. Cuz I know they are the ish! I look forward to living for you for the rest of my life. I cant serve two masters...and self - serving did NOT work out very well for me. Thank you for clarity. Thank you for connection. Thank you for love and support. Thank you for miracles. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my life. Thank you for me being me! I SO ROCK!!!! You do too!

Faith feels good...

So I will continue to be faithful. New house, new car, new streams of income, new levels of accuracy in living. On the mark! No sin....BULLSEYE!!!

Yeah...I love the precision of living truthfully from my heart. I love the feeling of being calm and effective in the world.

I love hearing my mind trying to figure out how a and b are going to happen. I love seeing them happen... despite the questions.

I love knowing that you were sent here for a short but nice season. :) Thank you for everything!

I love knowing that when you tell me I cant, that means that YOU cant. I, my dear, MOST DEFINATELY WILL! Just watch. Not proving anything to you. Just letting myself spread out a bit. Own this space that I'm in. Reaching for the proverbial stars and finding myself on the outer edges of this universe. Cuz honestly...I'm much too much to be contained...by your words, assumptions and perceptions of me. I am like my father. I am that I am too! And you are the same! Lets own it together. Lets not fight about it anymore, K?

I love knowing that the picture in my mind, is being created RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!! I can SEE and FEEL it coming into my existence. I see and feel it!!! Amen! Coming back to live feels so good. {Damn! How long was I out? }

The dead pieces are falling away. Being healed by His radiant light. I feel worthy of the blessing. I asked for it. I called it forth...and now...I ACCEPT!

Be thankful for this moment, for this moment is your life! I love that! Yes!

:)

By Sharing His Spirit...

He connected worlds!!!

I will always love you Mike Jackson! I admire the strength of who you are. You did it! You did good! We appreciate all that you shared with us. And we are thankful that you left so much of yourself here. you have touched so many souls...generations!! MY BOYS ADORE YOU! Especially Jeremiah. I am so thankful to have been alive to experience your presence. You are an inspiration, even more so now that you died for it. You prove to me that greatness, and its lasting effects is always worth the cost! All-ways. Thank you. See ya on the other side...

Me

...Que Sara, Sara

I try to make him mine, but
...he is not for me

I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.

There is one for harvesting and for sowing...

I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield

Do I want too much?

When the vision that you hold for your life and your actual life dont add up...

Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??

I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!

I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.

Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.

This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?

No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.

I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.

I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.

Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...

I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...

But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?

I am short on...

Money, Time, Money, Sanity, Peace, Clarity, MUTHA FUGGGIN MONEY!!!! Sigh...

If you knew...you'd feel pity. So usually, I dont share.

So much of my thoughts are here...but some I just cant. I wish I could. because telling them to God hasnt done much...so I need to get them out. But there are just too many people that I know that read this, and I truly dont feel like the questioning eyes, random pleasantries that otherwise would not be extended, and just that feeling... poor you!!

Looking at my sons makes me stronger. Looking at them and wondering if I can do this for us? Makes me feel my failure DEEPLY.

I work (albeit late as hell) every day. And the payoff is not what I need. Do you know what it feels like to not have what you need? Do you know what it feels like to not have what you NEED with two children? Maybe, maybe not. But it doesnt feel good. I am a fighter. I have suffered worse. But sigh... So tired. I smile through it...DAILY! I smile over it and around it, minute by minute.

I.am.tired.

That is all.

Working on making the best out of the rest of this day. Hope you are too! Hope its easier for you too!

I need...still

I need rejuvenation of my mind, body and spirit.
I need my soul to be magnified and expressed purely and potently through my experience of life.
I need this heaviness in my abdominal cavity to be cleansed and released!

I need this brain fog to clear so that I can SEE!

I need for my burdens to be lifted, so that I may move about in the fashion that is most beneficial. I feel stuck. I feel a constipation of spirit, if you will. I know its there. I KNOW IT IS. Cuz it is...but how the hell do you get it to come out??? I need an essence laxative.

My life depends on it. My health depends on it. My sanity (whats left) depends on it.

Whatever this is... me no likey! I need to remove the restrictions, but they are invisible and I just dont know how...

I really could use some life tools. Sigh... cuz its not working... This is why people run from life, because staying here and looking at it...SUCKS! Running doesnt do much either...but I want to scream. I want to cry. But...I cant...my tears wont fall, so they cant dry.

Tell the truth; ignore the devil.

How honest are you in your life? Not how often do you tell the truth, but how often do you say what you truly feel and think...inside. How often do you find yourself tempering what you say and do because you are more concerned with how other people will be about your expression? I am a humble person by nature. And I am extremely empahtetic, which basically translates into: I dont want people to feel bad, so if I can avoid it, even at the cost of my own feelings, i will. and I usually do. Only thing is...that shit is not working for me anymore. And its time to switch the shit up!

Mind spill--Shut the fuck up!! stop crying and fucking whining about ohh...poor you! how badly the world has fucked you over, how he deceived you, played you, used you. how they did you, what they said or thought about you. SO GOT DAMN WHAT!! Quit talking about the same shit over and over again. Dont convince me...I'm tired of hearing the shit!! Convince yourslf on you your own time. Cuz I dont want to hear the shit any more. I want to sock you in your fucking face every time I talk to you...because you get on my nerves!!! I hate how you get all vacant in the eyes as you try and hide behind those dumb ass thoughts of yours. YOU ARE DUMB. If you are willing to believe the shit you tell yourself...then you DESERVE everythign you get. You must want it...shit you turning it around in your head an awful lot to dislike it so!

If you are in denial...how can I sit there and listen to you tell me of a problem, when its APPARENT that there is an operator error in your life?? How can I sit there and listen to this for the millionth time???

I cant.


I won't.

Why not? Its not because I'm judging. Its not because I want to be mean, or self righteous on you. Its simply because I have been there before. I've been you. I've wandered through life with my eyes WIDE shut. And I have suffered.

I've read things, wrongly!! And instead of accepting self responsibility for it...I labeled the circumstance into a neat box of karma, bad luck, or my personal fave: God and His oh-so-mysterious ways!!! When in actuality, I chose not to see the truth. I saw hitting walls as a sign that I needed to be stronger, in order to knock them down. Instead, perhaps they were just spiritual boundaries, to let me know that I was heading the wrong way. Maybe that wall means that that road is not on my path.

Know better, be better! Stop bumping your head up against that wall. I dont remember where I was going with this...its late...im sleepy...and now my energy is all frazzled....cuz i let all of yall come and dump your self imposed agony on me.

Word of the day: Self-Accountabilty

Be accountable, for whatever happens. law is law. You really do reap what you sow. not just in actions, but in words, deed, thoughts and intentions. That is how you plant...your life is your harvest. What is it that you are reaping? The answer is.....whatever you are sowing.



If you like your answer, great!


If you dont...join me in getting busy digging up and replanting some thangs. Seasons are changing...time to plant what I intend to harvest. Happiness, honesty, freedom, love, passion, joy, truth, beauty, peace, laughter...and lists!

Life.

Live it!

YES!!!

Just checkin

Does it mean because I deeply enjoy and appreciate breaks from my two lovely toddlers...that I raise ALONE...mean that I'm a selfish mom?

My mom told me that I am selfish...and must be losing my mothering instincts. Sharp tongue, harsh words.

They hurt me.

Not so much because of what she said...but her intent.

Once she let me "know bout myself", she thanked herself for 'correcting' me and moved along to something else. While she spoke, I reminded myself of who I was...

And continued to enjoy my hiatus! Hmph!

You can be fake all you want with your mumbo jumbo... not even you were in this predicament, so tell me how you REALLY feel. Silly rabbit! Guilt is for kids! LMAO!

**Side note, a caller at my job just took 2 minutes to tell me what a wonderful and helpful person I was. She complimented my ability to make her feel at ease and better about her situation. I am deeply thankful for this. Because this is my whole purpose for being alive! And customer service is something I take an usually great pride in. I love customers, and they love me! Gotta love healthy and fucntional relationships!**

Now can we get those a bit closer? too much too soon? okay...I am thankful!

:D

Happy First Day of the rest of your life!!!

Something about June first created anticipation in me for the last two weeks! Dont know what it is...I mean there is a retrograde ending...so thats good if youre into that type of thing. But for me. June 1 is a time of new beginnings...it is the beginning of the 'put up or shut up time'. It is a time for pruning this life and leaivng behind a beautful hand chosen pattern. I am SO EXCITED!!!

This weekend was somewhat kid free. My mom and sis kept the boys Saturday, and their dad spent time with them Sunday. I had a few interim hours, where I had to do a few mommy things, but mostly I got to focus on getting things done for me (and ultimately us)...so that the transformation can begin.

I am ready. I got up early enough to greet the morning. Even though I ran out of gas on the freeway on my way to work. That sucks, becauase I inteded to start the rest of my life doing the damn thang. Sigh....

Well I guess whats best is that I am able to maintain a positive attitude, even though things didnt go according to my plan. The funny part is...I actually made a plan for this morning...

Most of it went off without a hitch. Should I even try to appreciate small progress?

Yep! Me thinks me will. Cuz progression is forward movement.

I miss my friend. I may have lost one. Luckily not to death, so all is not lost. But... Seems like it. It hurts pretty bad. My friend doesnt get it. This life is not a vacuum. We all affect each other. A little consideration goes a long way.

Well N-E WHO!!! I am here. Alive. Feeling industrious and prosperous. Lets get this life started!!! Lets make June 09, the BEST MONTH SO FAR!!!!

:D

Sigh

Sometimes, I'm flying high. All deep in the sweetness of love. High on the hog!
Somtimes I fall down...and wallow in depths of silt. Swine flu!

I am thankful for life and all that it encompasses....some days are just not as easy as others. Today...
Today was a challenging day.

But...such is life right?


GRRRRRR!

Ode to my FAVORITE!

I see a vision of the life that I have secretly dreamed of. I say secretly, because I have long since abandoned the belief that I could have what I wanted. So often in life, I was told that I couldn't have what I wanted. I was either offered a consolation, which in my eyes never matched up to what I truly desired. Or I was told, "too bad, sad!....in life you dont always get what you want." which, I guess is a true lesson. However, I am observing in my life how that has translated:



I no longer acknowledge my desires anymore...



This has served several purposes. It has kept me from being hurt and disappointed from life. If I never acknowledge that I want something, then I dont try to have it. And If i never 'try' to get it...then when I dont... I cant be mad right?





WRONG!!



I have found myself in a curious situation lately, and I feel ill prepared on how to respond to it.

I have found the love of my life. A wonderful man who is EVERYTHING I could possibly think I want and MORE! His soul FITS in mine. Comfortably and perfectly. He is sincere, honest, loving, industrious, a great father, and understanding, strong, generous, open minded, our personalities EFFORTLESSLY mesh, we want the SAME THINGS out of life, and both agree that it would be lovely to pursue that together.

I have no doubts about his feelings and intentions for me. I always have doubts...but his presence, dispells them.

I trust him. I respect his decisions, his mind, his ambition...and he loves me enough to encourage me to strive for my best! And does what he can to assist me. Which is a whole helluva lot. I can DEPEND on him. And he wants me too! He wants to provide...and dammit, I want to be provided for!

I UNDERSTAND him and he, I. Our communication is SUPERB! And its just and 'easy' way of being!


He holds a very high image of me, and I feel that affecting my spirit in such a positive way. I can relax when I'm with him...and finally, I am starting to believe that my unworthy feelings are wrong... And that LOVE IS REAL!!!! Its not just other people who get to live and love, and just experience happiness. It can be me too!

For the last few months, I have been healing and purging. Cleansing and learning...and now I understand why...

He has come... And we have a job to do.

He is my friend, my partner, my love, my inspiration, my 'conscience', lol. He is so wonderful, and I am very thankful for him. I feel very gay saying this... I feel weak. I feel fear, and I feel like opening up to love may hurt me in the end.... but I feel LOVE and SUPPORT more than all those things.

No longer am I waiting to exhale...

I am breathing! ALIVE! And settling quite comfortably into the notion of being with him.

Is it too soon to hear the march, and see the dress? Hmmm....maybe. But its not too soon to know that I want to laugh with him, and talk to him, and just BE with him...forever. Its not too soon to know that we have that 'special' substance about us that makes life better. We bring out the best and help to heal the worst in each other.
And we do that without trying... it just IS.

I love... again. And its wonderful! :D

May we all have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY EVER!!!!!

Keelah

Ramdomly Speaking to (you)

Thanks.
You are right.
I will try.
no...I will DO!
I love you.
Where that will lead? Who knows?
Someone does...
Not me!
Yes I do! And I will.

But...Thanks again.

Your truth is a healing to my soul.
I dont like to disappoint you.
So I will try harder not to.
I havent felt this way about someone ever....
Either you like it or you dont...never really mattered much...

NOW...it does. hmm curious!

You in-spire me to want to be better. I want you to be PROUD of me.
I wish I wanted to change, so that I would be proud of myself...

But, in this case, you will suffice.
Change is change right? Or is it?

Either way. I appreciate the fact that you are a DIRECT answer to an un-uttered prayer. I didnt even know God could go that deeply into my heart. But the fact that YOU are HERE...proves that he can and did! And the response is...

Eternal Gratefullness. YOu make me dream of better, higher, more real, LOVE!!

Finally, I dont have to look at others to understand what it means to have someone truly in your corner. I feel you hear, and I desire so desperately to use that support.

Please bare with me, while I acclimate to your intruding presence. I am used to being alone, fending for myself.

Yes...intruding is the word that I meant to use. *smile*

Shhhh! I like you!

Know better, do better, BE BETTER!

Yah!

Love is Amazing!