Whew

I havent been here in a while.  I've toyed around with the idea of starting another blog, as I realized that I felt this one was outdated...

But...upon further speculation and re-reading some of my past posts...I absolutely adore this blog!!  It was a beginning of sorts.  I didnt think so at the time, but it was.  Lots of beauty happening in Hades.  I WAS being rebuilt. 

I'm baaaaaack! 

I gotta do it!

I finally figured it out. Why I feel so repressed and unsatisfied. Because I am NOT allowing myself to have the opportunity to live my dreams. I have always dreamed big. Shit, I cant help it. I am a dreamer by creation. I have always seen big and grand things for myself. My tastes have always been waaay outside of my 'belief range' ...and I didnt have anyone to really encourage my high flying ideals. Most people around me had had their dreams dismissed already, so the advice I tended to get was, "Be realistic" or repeated comments about my head being "in the clouds"...

I tried to supplement my REAL dreams with other dreams that were much more palatable to my world. I tried to be an entrepeneur, doing something that I can do well...customer service. I figured, that would be easy right? NO. Its never easy, when its not RIGHT!

What I want to do... seems far fetched in a way, but in a lot of ways, its closer to me than anything. Because I ponder it daily. I practice it daily. I dream of it daily. I fantasize on it daily. And I exercise it daily. I'm like an athelete, who has yet to put himself in the draft pool.


I dont know if I really have any talent, or if its all in my head. But truth be told, I BELIEVE that I can be successful at this craft. I am an artist. I have always known it. Tried to find other, lesser ways of expressing it. But thats not working. I have to try this. I HAVE to. I do not wish to live with regret, over something so HUGE to me. I want to look at my sons and say...GO FOR YOUR DREAMS!!!! And mean it.

I will do that. For them and for me! I dont have to be the biggest or the best...but I have to be!!

Off to do research. I have one month before this ball gets rolling. Life is about to get super busy...but it will be BEYOND WORTH IT.

Wish me luck!

Keelah

Its getting harder and harder to get out of bed.

That is all.

Blahxmas-fuckitallhate this life-blah, chunk, blah!!!

I do all the right things.
I speak affirmatively.
I dont let little things get me down.
I give whenever someone is in need and I can help.
I speak life over situations.
When someone approaches me in a foul mood, I do what I can to dissemenate it.
I pray and meditate daily.
I do my best at forgiving myself and all others (not the easiest)
I dream BIG!!!
I try.

I try and fake it til I make it... Hoping that one day...I will make it.

I hope today is the day, I hope today is the day...

Alas, today is NOT that day. I am SO THANKFUL that my children are healthy, strong, intelligent and loving!! I am so thankful that they enjoyed their holiday and their family IMMENSELY! I am glad that they didnt seem to notice the death that has become mommy, that envelopes me this time of year all the time.

I am glad they did not see me cry this time. Besides, tears do dry on their own. But who do I become to accomdate all these tears?

A bigger better FAKER version of my former self. I'm tired. And 'trying' at life, is making me even more tired.

I try at love. I try at happiness. I try. And for a moment, I get improvement. Makes me feel like I really CAN do this. Then... in a split second... I return to me. And here I am.

But in true fashion...I shall smile and generate my 'happy' persona so that noone will know my agony. Life is just GRAND!!

Wakeelah I. Everfield

Update

I just got a call. The new tenant that has brought all of the drama, is being evicted TODAY! Nice and easy solution to the problem. Does it help me feel more safe? We'll see...

Still perusing housing ads.

I havent blogged. I havent had much to say. I have had some good days, I have had some bad days. Lately... My mood has been better, but my life has been worse. Go figure!

Long story short...the wonderful, beautiful, affordable place close to my job that was my absolute DREAM for a start over for my boys and I is a BUST! Its all of the above still...but VERY UNSAFE. Now...on a non-existent budget, I have to move us again. Sigh*

I was hoping to not move in the winter anymore...but too many thugs, too many crackbitches, too many police incidents, too many jokahs trying to 'get wit me' and 'kick.it.with.my children' to get close to me....TOO MUCH!

Too many lost keys, too many 'strange' occurences...I really think someone was IN OUR SPACE yesterday. IN MY SPACE!!! I hurt. I havent slept well in about 2 months, I am running on the bare minimum...and I dont know what to do. Only thing I know for sure, is that we must move, and we must do so soon.

If anyone still visits, please assist me in affirming our new beautiful, affordable, centrally located, safe and FABULOUS new place!! I do believe there is power in numbers!

I feel gloomy, and down...thats not my intent.

My children and I have a wonderful relationship. This motherhood thing is quite nice!
My familly and I are gelling better...still must call my cousin. Sigh* I love you girl!
My childrens father and I relationship is EXCELLENT! I think we should write a book on how to avoid baby mama/daddy drama. Chapter 1: Dont EVER refer to each other as baby daddy and mama. (digressing)
My new friend and I are both making moves seperately and together and its wonderful. I enjoy him much! His soul was sent here to soothe me. He does it well! ;) Aye papi!
Eating habits are changing... lost a few lbs.
Oh yeah...I have a job!

Good things are happening, but when your safety and piece of mind feels threatened...it kinda overshadows everything else. I try and think of my business, my social life, my APPEARANCE, my LIFE!!! but when I start to think on these things, I have to snap my ass right back to reality. Chick...you are not SAFE!! It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that your children are safe...So...here we go again.... I know the next place will work out, and be better than this one, because at this point in life, I can only make lateral moves...but geez!!! Welp! Here we go!

Have a fab day!

Good Life

We moved. We love. We left some things behind. And we are eagerly anticipating moving forward with clarity, strength, spiritual honesty and LIFE!!! My family is in such a better place...because mommy finally had the faith and motivation to make the 'tough' decisions. I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for what is right and just. I am proud of myself to pray with all that I am to release my past and step BOLDLY into the NOW! I am so proud and excited to live the life that I often times dreamed, but never dared reach for. Each day is a new day...and no matter what, I will find a reason to smile and be grateful in EACH AND EVERY ONE! There are too many little things to be thankful for... so I will just extend the most sincere and complete THANK YOU GOD...that I have ever uttered. Because only you know what this truly means . I thank you in advance for your plans for my life. Cuz I know they are the ish! I look forward to living for you for the rest of my life. I cant serve two masters...and self - serving did NOT work out very well for me. Thank you for clarity. Thank you for connection. Thank you for love and support. Thank you for miracles. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my life. Thank you for me being me! I SO ROCK!!!! You do too!