Sometimes life is so confusicus to me. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days I'm on the ball...Most days I cant find the friggin bal at all! And if I do, how the hayle am I sposed to balance my big ass on a ball without deflating it! I have been blog hopping around...this time to Mommy sites, because I find myself becoming more interested in community and fully living and celebrating life, not just for me, but for my babies. I want to expose my kids to the fun lives that I see all these other moms participating in. But its like, I feel so inferior in that way. I'm not much fun and I dont have that 'mommy creativity' gene that lots of moms seem to be innately blessed with. I have only been a mom for two years, but I feel like I suck in a lot of ways. Like my kids are still mostly jpegs. I didnt decorate for halloween (tho I did get them two little pumpkins!) ...Maybe I'm just having one of those days. I just dont seem to 'get' how to be a woman, a mother, and the primary care-giver all at once. The order just seems so tall...and tho I'm almost 6 feet..sometimes that just doesnt seem tall enough!
I am a single mom as of the last two months, and I dont want to use that as an excuse, (but its just so darn convenient sometimes)
I have a great 'partner', who when I'm in my right mind (and not living through these damn emotions) is the best person to have in my life right now. He has awakened and the light of God is shining all up and through him . He's on fire and determined to carve greatness out of the past bad decisions he has made. He credits me with his 'awareness' and I must admit, that feels good! He wants to be a better man, (albeit not for me, but that here nor there) and I hope that I can stand right beside him (as his 'friend' sigh) while he moves to greatness!
HMMM....dont know where this post got sidetracked..but I guess I want to be better too! Just have to keep my eyes on my prize and not pay attention to what my emotions tell me I'm missing. I have dreams and goals and....
Hopefully this mood will pass and I will regain the clarity of belief that I can achieve all that I envision!
Letting go....again! LOL
Happy Pumpkin day!
31 October, 2008
24 October, 2008
WOMAN
For a sensual woman, foreplay happens all day long. Indulging in the senses is something that occurs all day, every day! There is little to no separation between living life and making love. When the opportunity arises, the sensual woman is always open, ready and available.
The feel of the clothes on her skin, the scent of her perfume, the movement of energy in her body, the strength and poise of her form is deeply within her awareness all day. It is a joy to simply to be a ‘woman’. She enjoys the simple pleasure of being able to inhabit the feminine energy permeating her entire experience of life.
Her life is infused with the energy of preparedness; and with earnestness she builds her home to support love, harmony, and rejuvenation. Simply being in her presence is healing and expanding. She laughs easily and is in a permanent state of deliciousness.
She is hardly ever stressed and loves to love. To give love is a pleasure and to receive is DIVINE!
Shame? Guilt? For HER desires…LAUGHABLE! She loves to get her needs met, which why she arranges her life to provide TOTAL SATIZFACTION!!
Truth is the nectar that oozes from her lips; Sweetly melting the walls of illusions that clouds the minds of fellow spirit beings. Drawing to her, honesty and truth in kind.
She sits like she knows the secret and that is because she does. She is prudent in her demeanor, but her depth is OBVIOUS! Without saying a word, you understand. This moment is a gift. You are in the presence of…WOMAN!
The feel of the clothes on her skin, the scent of her perfume, the movement of energy in her body, the strength and poise of her form is deeply within her awareness all day. It is a joy to simply to be a ‘woman’. She enjoys the simple pleasure of being able to inhabit the feminine energy permeating her entire experience of life.
Her life is infused with the energy of preparedness; and with earnestness she builds her home to support love, harmony, and rejuvenation. Simply being in her presence is healing and expanding. She laughs easily and is in a permanent state of deliciousness.
She is hardly ever stressed and loves to love. To give love is a pleasure and to receive is DIVINE!
Shame? Guilt? For HER desires…LAUGHABLE! She loves to get her needs met, which why she arranges her life to provide TOTAL SATIZFACTION!!
Truth is the nectar that oozes from her lips; Sweetly melting the walls of illusions that clouds the minds of fellow spirit beings. Drawing to her, honesty and truth in kind.
She sits like she knows the secret and that is because she does. She is prudent in her demeanor, but her depth is OBVIOUS! Without saying a word, you understand. This moment is a gift. You are in the presence of…WOMAN!
20 October, 2008
Healing is quite a strange process
Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel empowered as I step out in this new life. Despite all the changes and the fears and the residual pain...I know I can and am doing it!!!
Some days, I feel that pain. The pain that losing the familiar leaves behind. The questions start to flow automatically..."what ifs", "coulda, woulda, shouldas", "blames and faults"...
I vacillate back and forth between confidence and freedom, and lonely thoughts and the insatiable urge to run back to what I know. Begging re-entry into the past!
But deep in my heart, I know that what I know isn't the same...and it isn't for me anymore. Because despite my best efforts to remain the same...I am changed. I am change-ING! I am evolving, such a wonderful work in progress, If I must say so myself.
What was...is no longer... what can satisfy this urge. I yearn to deepen and expand and encompass and inspire. I cant do that clinging to that of late. I cant do that paralyzed by the fear that always accompanies change. I have to, for the sake of fulfilling myself, step out on the faith of the smallest voice in my mind...to TAKE what is rightfully mine! Today is a GOOD day!
Stride cant be stanker!!! Oooh wait...or can it???? Stay tuned!
Be blessed and live delicious lives.
Keelah
Some days, I feel that pain. The pain that losing the familiar leaves behind. The questions start to flow automatically..."what ifs", "coulda, woulda, shouldas", "blames and faults"...
I vacillate back and forth between confidence and freedom, and lonely thoughts and the insatiable urge to run back to what I know. Begging re-entry into the past!
But deep in my heart, I know that what I know isn't the same...and it isn't for me anymore. Because despite my best efforts to remain the same...I am changed. I am change-ING! I am evolving, such a wonderful work in progress, If I must say so myself.
What was...is no longer... what can satisfy this urge. I yearn to deepen and expand and encompass and inspire. I cant do that clinging to that of late. I cant do that paralyzed by the fear that always accompanies change. I have to, for the sake of fulfilling myself, step out on the faith of the smallest voice in my mind...to TAKE what is rightfully mine! Today is a GOOD day!
Stride cant be stanker!!! Oooh wait...or can it???? Stay tuned!
Be blessed and live delicious lives.
Keelah
16 October, 2008
Let it go....
Healing is a natural result of being wounded. In every sense of the word. Be it physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual. The existance of a wound necessarily means that its healing is also in existence.
Somtimes we dont realize this because pain we feel from our initial wound, or the residual feeling that we get when someone touches our private soft spots hurt so bad, that we feel we will be there forever. That is NEVER the case. The only reason anyone can stay in any type of pain is becasue on some level we have not let go of our 'attachments' to the painful part. There is an evolution to everything, and after pain, comes resolution. NO matter what the situation, this is the case. We would be best to realize and fully accept this.
When something hurts, feel it. Feel the hurt. Acknowledge the hurt...as fully as you can. Then let it go so that Life/God's cleansing energy can come thru and do what it does best. Heal. I dont believe time heals wounds, I believe wounds heal themselves...as long as we dont 'keep' them and make them our own. Thats the problem, most of us experience and injustice and then instead of letting it go, as a part of life. We hold it and coddle it. Keep it close to our chests. We talk about it, stew in the energies it manifests, share our stories with ourselves and preferably with others. We ponder it, think upon it, research it and try to 'understand' it. We give it the attention that we offer our most cherished love. We constantly seek clarity on the situation when the most important fact is already clear. You hurt. There is nothing to understand. It is... That is all! Let it go!
Somtimes we dont realize this because pain we feel from our initial wound, or the residual feeling that we get when someone touches our private soft spots hurt so bad, that we feel we will be there forever. That is NEVER the case. The only reason anyone can stay in any type of pain is becasue on some level we have not let go of our 'attachments' to the painful part. There is an evolution to everything, and after pain, comes resolution. NO matter what the situation, this is the case. We would be best to realize and fully accept this.
When something hurts, feel it. Feel the hurt. Acknowledge the hurt...as fully as you can. Then let it go so that Life/God's cleansing energy can come thru and do what it does best. Heal. I dont believe time heals wounds, I believe wounds heal themselves...as long as we dont 'keep' them and make them our own. Thats the problem, most of us experience and injustice and then instead of letting it go, as a part of life. We hold it and coddle it. Keep it close to our chests. We talk about it, stew in the energies it manifests, share our stories with ourselves and preferably with others. We ponder it, think upon it, research it and try to 'understand' it. We give it the attention that we offer our most cherished love. We constantly seek clarity on the situation when the most important fact is already clear. You hurt. There is nothing to understand. It is... That is all! Let it go!
Today I am grateful...
I have been doing something called Rampaging...Its basically writing down things you are grateful for as often as you think about it. I am always amazed at how many things that tend to slip beneath the radar of my awareness on any given day. Usually I feel very good, but today I'm a lil slow on the uptake, so I will use rampaging to bring me back into focus.
I am thankful that my car is holding on long enough for us to get another one.
I am thankful that I have a job to go to, that I enjoy, am good at, and that pays me for my time spent away from my darling children.
I am thankful that I have a CLEAR vison of what I am creating in my life. There is no more muddy confusion about where I am going or how I'm going to get there. It is already done!
I am thankful for communication and acceptance. I am flirting with mastery (imo) in both arenas! Go me!
I am thankful that I am getting better at womanly things. Not perfect, but I am super appreciative for the apparent progress that I am seeing from paying more attention to feminine qualities.
I am thankful that my life is being recreated and I KNOW that when its all settled, it will be filled with true love, good friends, good times, and MUCH PAMPERING!
I am so thankful for Jesus. He really is my homeboy and is helping me to lift up, when I am tempted to feel down! Good looking Hay-seus! (inside joke, lol)
I am thankful for the moments in life where I am truly alive! When I am 'plugged in', I feel a part of the entire fabric of life, and it helps when I begin to feel lonely or chronically misunderstood.
I am thankful for the pain that I feel...it offers me a wonderful contrast for the joy that is emerging in my life! It keeps me humble and in this delicious state of thankfulness.
I am thankful that even though I have COMPLETELY fallen off the whole 'diet' wagon...my body is still striving towards homeostasis! Gotta love the natural flow of the universe. Always lifeward--NO MATTER WHAT!
I am thankful for the deepening of my spirit! I had been feeling pretty surface for a while, since I decided to put a happy face on everything. But in the moments in the still of the night, when its just me and God...I can release my 'organicness' and just be me...the totally un-cut, raw, stripped to my core...ME! We all need a space to feel ourselves on that level.
I pray for courage to live from that space, because while its often uncomfortable, it is always genuine...and TOTAL HONESTY and full disclosure of spirit is my only goal in life. To live as I am...straight, no chaser.
I am thankful for unconditonal love. It exists! Sometimes, I dont allow it, because it doesnt come from where I want it to...or look how I think it should. But I have it, and I know it!
I am thankful for friendship. I went a long time denying my need for friends, but without them, my life would be emptier, colder and less 'comfortable'. I anticipate the day when I can fully express to all of them how much they mean to me, without feeling so...weak.
All in all...Its all good! If you made it this far, thank you for listening. Much love!
Keelah
09 October, 2008
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The Message...
I was waiting at the light, half sleep, half angry that I had to leave my house feeling like this...and I see him. You cant tell by the pic, but man was FOINE!!! Thats neither here nor there, but just WOW!!! I loved him. And am so thankfull for the reminder. Needless to say, I stopped complaining and sung for the rest of the ride!!!
08 October, 2008
MMM-MMM Good!!!
I dont need to possess you
to en joy
The precious moments where time
comes undone
For us to be-come
togetherness
Until....
What is that???
I dont know...just something I was thinking about. I usually get so caught up in ownership and labels, that sometimes I miss the gift. Its not always about saying, "Thats mine!" Sometimes its about sitting back and basking in the glow or warmth or pure joy of what is...at this moment. Not tomorrow or even afterwards. Sometimes its okay to stay RIGHT HERE. And open up to as much joy as the moment will offer you. And let tomorrows worries fret themselves. I like that! Yes...I will live like that! Cuz I CAN!!!
to en joy
The precious moments where time
comes undone
For us to be-come
togetherness
Until....
What is that???
I dont know...just something I was thinking about. I usually get so caught up in ownership and labels, that sometimes I miss the gift. Its not always about saying, "Thats mine!" Sometimes its about sitting back and basking in the glow or warmth or pure joy of what is...at this moment. Not tomorrow or even afterwards. Sometimes its okay to stay RIGHT HERE. And open up to as much joy as the moment will offer you. And let tomorrows worries fret themselves. I like that! Yes...I will live like that! Cuz I CAN!!!
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